Krampus Trumpus Rumpus

Seasons Beatings!

‘Tis the Krampusnacht time again, when Krampus, the hornèd, horny Xmas devil of rich medieval Alpine folklore and cheap Hollywood horror movies, roams the earth, wreaking hornèd, horny havoc upon the “naughty.”

Bad Santa

Krampus is the dark side of jolly old Saint Nick. He also looks a lot like Pan, the ancient Greek, half-human/half-goat “God of the Wild” who lends his horns, hooves, long tongue and tail to the Christian “Satan” and his name to the Latin classification for bonobos, Pan paniscus.

But Krampus is a bad Pan, to say the least. While sweet Santa Claus brings joy and gifts to “nice” boys and girls, Krampus kidnaps, frightens, whips and spanks “naughty” children of all ages during the punishing yuletide lead-up to the big Xmas gift-gasm.

Dark Santa, bad Pan, Big Foot and Freddy Krueger all converge into an amusingly grotesque figure that the faithful called “The Krampus.” Quite popular in the late 19th and early 20 century, adults often sent each other’s children postcards featuring monstrous, child-beating Krampuses, accompanied by cheerful warnings that they’d better behave… or else the Krampus would get them.

Following World War II, the Krampus character went through a makeover, developing more of an interest in sexy ladies, rather than kids. That’s the Kinky Krampus I prefer. Not that it’s up to me. Over the years, Krampuses of all kinds have come and gone in reality and fantasy.

To this day, young people of Alpine villages from Bavaria to Slovakia dress in Krampus “cosplay” and bang on drums to mock-terrorize the populace. Somewhat ironically, but in keeping with Krampusnacht tradition, it’s considered good luck and great fun to be terrorized by a Krampus.

Perhaps not surprisingly, the old Popes and the Nazis both expressly forbade Krampus depictions under penalty of Krampus-like punishments and, of course, much worse.

Apparently, they didn’t appreciate the Krampus mocking their serious cruelty.

Krampus as Trumpus

The current incarnation of the Krampus haunting and tormenting the populace, the one who has kidnapped our psyches with his grabby little hands and poisonous serpentine tongue, is, of course, that demonic Swamp-Thing-in-Chief, the Orange Tyrannosaurus Rich, the anti-Santa, aka, The Trumpus.

Through his bloated body and bombastic mind, the medieval Krampus folklore has sprung back to life in the modern Trumpus. While Krampus has long represented the dark foil to Santa that scares and punishes the naughty during the Xmas season, the Trumpus is a real-life holiday horror (and popular meme) in more ways than there are verses in The Twelve Days of Christmas.

Most disturbingly, whereas the Krampus is a fairy tale, the Trumpus really does kidnap, cage and punish children!

As Salon’s Andrew O’Hehir puts it, the Trumpus is “a ghoulish and unpredictable trickster. His gifts are never quite as they appear… Although he is an insignificant demon (in his home universe) he has the power to convince all of us, those who worship him and those who would cast him out, of his immense importance.”

Indeed. Like the ancient supernatural Krampus, mere mortals can’t outrun the Trumpus, at least not on the Internet where his ghoulish presence is everywhere, sucking up every molecule of air in the room, torturing us all… though some of us actually enjoy it (that’s one type of Post-Trump Sex Disorder).

While other Krampus incarnations around the world and over time have been worse, the Trumpus is the one who tortures us now, so his powers seem infinite, but they are not at all.

The Xmas “present” of the Trumpus is his presence, a Pandora’s Box for our times, a gaudy mirrored disco ball with a thousand reflections that show us how greedy, tacky, selfish, sexist, racist, ignorant, narcissistic and nasty we all can be.

Unlike Venus springing forth fully formed from the sea, the Trumpus has been spawned and nurtured by both Repugnicans and Democraps. The Repugs are decidedly the worst of the two proverbial evils, especially under the tiny thumb of the cancerous Trumpus, but we should not lose sight of the two American parties being, as Noam Chomsky put it, just two factions of one “business party,” which Gore Vidal similarly dubbed the “property party”… both of which showed their true, very bi-partisan colors by voting, with greed and perhaps a touch of sadism as their guide, to expand the range of the Trumpus’ terror with a Space Force (yes indeed, there’s no money for Bernie’s Medicare for All, but plenty of cash for a Space Force)!

So now it’s up to those of us who don’t have our heads fully up the Trumpus’ foul butthole to do what we can to rid the body politic of the devil, the disease and the devastation of the terrible Trumpus.

Unfortunately, there aren’t many options for doing that.

Therefore, we’re going with the least violent: In the immortal words of Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib: Let’s Impeach the MF!

10-15 Flushes

I really wish that Nancy Pelosi had had the cajones to impeach that other, arguably worse MF, George W. Pussy-Bush, along with his abidingly evil consigliere Dick-tator Cheney, for war crimes based on a pile of lies (some of which are *just* coming out) that murdered a million people and put us on the dreadful course of a Perma War that is good for nothing and no one except the top players in fossil fuels and the Military Industrial-Complex.

Well, at least, folksy Pelosi is finding it in her “heart full of love” to impeach this MF, and to that I say Amen. And AWOMEN. Go Bonobos for Nancy, swatting away “hate” like a boss with her manicured finger wag, white suit and black pearls. Impeach the MF!

Of course, the Senate is so far up the Trumpus arse, it’s unlikely they’ll convict the MF.

Speaking of which—trigger warning!—some of you might want to skip this paragraph because the Trumpus Rumpus seems to be as packed with rotting filth as old Krampus’ ghastly green 1000-year-old intestines. Yes, Brothers and Sisters, our precious Presidunce’s poops are so nasty, they take 10-15 flushes to go down and, “the chosen one” that he is, he felt the urge (ahem) to call a press conference about this.

From “locker room talk” to toilet training, it’s a slippery slope.

I’m a sex therapist, so it doesn’t bother me to hear about the Commander’s coprophilia fetish (well, not much). What’s disturbing, however, is that he’s presenting his feces fixation as evidence that more environment-friendly technology is dirty and useless, so we all might as well just eat hamberders, guzzle gas, burn coal, drop out of the Paris Accords, drop bombs and pollute our air and water in a massive deregulation orgy—which is a lot worse for climate change than ordinary orgies.

How does he get away with this? As stated, there are a lot of people—from U.S. Senators to ammosexual armies of “deplorables”—in addition to overcooked junk food, currently up the Trumpus ass. So, it’s no wonder he flushes his toilet more frequently than anyone in the world.

Unless he’s trying to shove his Depends down there.

Obviously, those people now kissing and virtually living in the Trumpus’ stinky ass, are likely to depend upon and defend their man, aka their asshole, no matter what either one say or do.

After all, even though that asshole stinks—I mean, really stinks—at least it’s warmer than being ejected into the frigid, unaffiliated waters of the toilet—not to mention subject to those punishing 10-15 flushes. Talk about water torture!

So it’s “crystal clear” that no matter what kind of shit comes down on them, those Trumpsters will stick with—or in—their asshole.

Impeachment may even strengthen their stubborn resolve and, horror of Trumpusian horrors, sweep the flushing fiend into a potentially catastrophic second term, and then there are his adorable “jokes” about never leaving office.

Nevertheless, with a Krampus like the Trumpus, impeachment is the right thing to do.

Even if we just narrow our focus to the Dems’ two measly little articles of Impeachment (and even though this puts me in agreement with the loathsome likes of Thomas Friedman), it’s clear that our Trumpus was trying his Trumpiest to get himself a bit of baksheesh, a golden bauble, a little quid pro quo, a personal bribe, an “errand,” a political favor in exchange for the release of U.S. aid, which is as impeachable as it gets. Of course, this is nowhere near the worst crime the terrible Trumpus has committed by far—not even close to caging migrant children, Trump Crime Family nepotism, emoluments, keeping America entangled in our perma wars, signing SESTA/FOSTA, inciting violence from the craziest of his crazed cult of Trumpsters, stoking racism, embodying sexism, denying Climate Change, lying every day, often many times a day, and the list goes on.

But his Personal Gain in Ukraine scam is pitch-perfect impeachable, not to mention bite-sized like those peach slices soaked in syrup, just made to go down easy.

Fresh, canned or infused into booze, I love me some juicy fruit.

Not that most members of the Cult of the Trumpus will swallow it.

But that doesn’t mean the rest of us shouldn’t serve up tasty Impeachment banquets anyway. Maybe we can entice a few vestigial taste buds to this delectable, potentially healing, sweet-to-eat, high fiber antidote to the draining and debilitating Trumpus virus afflicting the body politic.

Peaches are much easier on the toilet than all those hammy hamberders. Just two flushes max!

More articles by:

Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For information and speaking engagements, call 626-461-5950. Email her at drsusanblock@gmail.com  

July 02, 2020
Stan Cox
It’s Not Just Meat: All Farm and Food Workers Are in Peril
Marshall Auerback
We Won’t Have a Truly Global Economy Until People Start Taxing It That Way
John O'Kane
Progressive Pulses Among the Ruins of Riot
John Feffer
Time to Rethink the US-ROK Alliance
Binoy Kampmark
The Kafkaesque Imperium: Julian Assange and the Second Superseding Indictment
Kim C. Domenico
Disbelief, Belief and the Perils of Pandemic Re-opening
George Ochenski
Trump’s Contagion Road Show Heads West
Haydar Khan
The Great Wall of Wokeness
Jeremy Kuzmarov
Biden Compared Indicted War Criminal to “George Washington”
Howard Lisnoff
Try to Get Published; Try to Be Heard
Rebecca Gordon
Fear of Falling: Can Making Black Lives Matter Rescue a Failing State?
Gary Leupp
Traditional Russophobia in an Unusual Election Year
John Kendall Hawkins
Biopic? Shirley, You Jest
Gary Macfarlane – Mike Garrity
Conservation Groups Sue Trump Administration to Halt Massive Logging in Steelhead Critical Habitat
Quincy Saul
Who Made the Plague?
July 01, 2020
Melvin Goodman
De-Militarizing the United States
Kenneth Surin
UK’s Labour Leader Sacks the Most Left-Wing Member of His Shadow Cabinet
Ruth Fowler
Then as Farce: the Commodification of Black Lives Matter
Kent Paterson
Crisis After Crisis on the Border
Rick Baum
The Pandemic and Wealth Inequality
Michael Welton
“Into the World of Bad Spirits”: Slavery and Plantation Culture
James W. Carden
The Return of the Anti-Antiwar Left
Dan Wakefield
Charles Webb Enters Heaven
Julian Vigo
A Call for Radical Humanism: the Left Needs to Return to Class Analyses of Power
Binoy Kampmark
A Trendy Rage: Boycotting Facebook and the Stop Hate for Profit Campaign
Michael D. Knox – Linda Pentz Gunter
As Monuments to War Generals Come Down, Let’s Replace Them with Monuments to Peace
Cesar Chelala
Attorney General William Barr’s Insomnia
Raphael Tsavkko Garcia
Is Bolsonaro Plotting a Self-Coup?
Mandy Smithberger
COVID-19 Means Good Times for the Pentagon
Joe Emersberger
On Pablo Celi, Ecuador’s super shady “Auditor General”
June 30, 2020
James Bovard
Bill Clinton’s Serbian War Atrocities Exposed in New Indictment
Bianca Sierra Wolff – Lisa Knox
ICE is Leaving Immigrants to Die in Detention, and Retaliating When They Speak Out
Don Fitz
Should NYC’s Wall Street Be Renamed “Eric Garner St.?”
Chris Hedges
My Student Comes Home
Richard C. Gross
Obamacare Vulnerable
John Feffer
The Hatchet Man’s Tale: Why Bolton Matters
Thomas Knapp
Afghanistan Bounties: Pot, Meet Kettle (and Turn Off the Stove!)
Charles Reitz
Anti-Racist Engagement in the Kansas Free State Struggle, 1854-64: Horace Greeley, German 48-ers, and the Civil War Journalism of Karl Marx, 1861-62
Howard Lisnoff
A Student Murdered in Cold Blood and a Kids’ Bike Ride Through Queens, New York
David Swanson
Hey Congress, Move the Money
Aparna Karthikeyan
Memories of Pox, Plague, and Pandemics in Tamil Nadu
John Kendall Hawkins
Democracy Chasers in a Badly Injured Nation
Binoy Kampmark
Wasteful, Secret and Vicious: the Absurd Prosecution of Witness K and Bernard Collaery
Norman Solomon
Ro Khanna and Barbara Lee Could Defy “the Madness of Militarism” as Co-Chairs of the Democratic Convention’s Biggest Delegation
Jon Hochschartner
Imagining a Vegan Superman