A sampler, with apologies to Ambrose Bierce.
African Americans: an anthropological abstraction; any ethnic grouping or race that can be deleted from congressional representation; a lost tribe.
Audit: Something bad that happens to other people.
“Beautiful:” an adjective, best used to modify “missile strikes”.
Ceasefire: arabic; when less than a thousand children in Gaza are killed in a week.
Climate change: archaic; often thought to be used in connection with car air conditioning in the 1950s that provided separate air flows to the front and back seats.
Civil rights: in physics, a state of being that disappears when surrounded by money.
“Deranged scumbag:” diplomacy; any foreign state official of color.
Epstein: German for “a terrific guy.” (Dieser Epstein ist wunderbar.)
“Open the Fuckin’ Strait:” Attributed to Thomas Jefferson (1804) in correspondence over the Barbary Coast.
Gaza: any piece of land or territory where international law does not apply.
Gerrymander: an ancient burial ground for any ethnic grouping that opposes White Christian Nationalism.
Ghislaine: a person mentioned in Ripley’s Believe It or Not for having generated six million pages of documentary evidence in a pedophilia case brought against her, and only her, in 2022.
“Good, I’m glad he’s dead”: from the doxology; often sung at funerals in southern Florida, usually on the ninth fairway.
“Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything:” Latin; attributed to Pope Clement VII in 1527 A.D.
Graham, Lindsey: a jester; any court figure with little self-worth.
Greenland: an altered state of consciousness; any bad reaction to mescaline.
“Grocery prices, energy prices, airfares, mortgage rates, rent and car payments are all coming down, and they’re coming down fast:” a rap song popular in the 2020s, chanted especially by billionaires confronted by beggars.
Hegseth: in Danish mythology, the god of Onanism.
Hillary: a legal expression; meaning a model prisoner.
Inflation: in magic; anything that only goes down.
“I’m not a rapist”: in the language of attraction, often used to instill confidence in a possible mate.
“I have been exonerated”: “Baby Face” Nelson’s last words.
“I’m the best President America and the world has ever seen:” Attributed to William Henry Harrison, briefly president in 1841.
Immunity: slang; for unprotected sex that never results in pregnancy.
Iran: a mythical kingdom where American presidents seek humiliation and self-flagellation.
IRS: from which billionaires secure payday loans.
Johnson, Mike: at certain men’s clubs in Washington, D.C., the name assigned to all the male waiters, so as not to tax the memory of the busy members.
“Low IQ:” first mentioned in Hegel’s Phenomenology of Spirit (1807).
Melania: from Serbo-Croatian, a woman who demands payments for everything.
Mexico: the Spanish word for cartel.
Netanyahu: physics, an irresistible force that corrupts power.
NATO: any undeserved gift offered to the Russians.
“No one reads the Bible more than me:” overheard at the Last Supper (33 A.D.), in jest, between Jesus and Pontius Pilate.
“Nut job:” first used in Machiavelli’s The Prince (1532).
Obama: at certain men’s clubs in Washington, D.C., the name assigned to all the male waiters, so as not to tax the memory of the busy members.
“Oh, look at my African-American over here!” Of uncertain origin, but perhaps used by A. Lincoln in the 1858 Lincoln-Douglas debates.
Putin: vulgar; from Russian, meaning phone sex.
“People are very happy with me:” French (“Les gens sont très contents de moi…”), often attributed to Robespierre, but uttered by Marat just before taking his last bath.
“Quiet, piggy:” attributed to George Washington during his Farewell Address (1796).
Rubio: in biology, a small chameleon.
Shithole countries: any nation or territory without golf courses.
Supreme Court: in poker, meaning kings are wild.
Tariffs: from literature; first used in Mario Puzo’s The Godfather; gangster slang for a piece of the action. As in: ‘You f-ing guys owe me, big-time, over the f-ing tariffs. You bettah talk to my sons.”
“The President is in perfect health”: in medicine, a terminal diagnosis.
“The likes of which nobody has ever seen:” politics; anything run-of-the-mill.
“They came in illegally during the Biden administration:” Attributed to President James K. Polk, prior to the Mexican war of 1846-48.
“Tremendous progress has been made:” in classical economics, impending bankruptcy.
“The war is over”: In military parlance, when a cabinet has run out of ideas, and Lockheed has run out of cruise missiles.
“There is no policy of starvation in Gaza, and there is no starvation in Gaza:” Hebrew, a tautology.
“They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people:” inspired by the inscription on the Statue of Liberty, “Give me your tired, your poor…Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…” and the text suggested to go on the proposed United States Triumphal Arch in Washington D.C.
“Unbelievably nasty, mean:” any non-consenting woman.
VANCE: an acronym; meaning Victory for Aryan National Christian Exceptionalism.
“We’ve never seen anything like it”: in Hollywood, a reality show soon to be cancelled.
“We have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from China. It’s going to be just fine:” First attributed to Flavius Aetius, the Roman general who fought the Huns in 451 A.D.
Windmill: in Scotland, a golf hazard; slang, any politician who talks about himself for two hours at a rally.
Weaponize: from Sicilian; to pay off a small-time criminals with stolen funds; in psychology, a term of self-pity.
