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Matters of National Insecurity

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(Autumn, 2023: Congressional hearings continue on the Trump family’s “collusion” with Russia.)

Sen. John McCain: The committee will now come to order. Yesterday we heard from Marla Maples. Today’s first witness is Barron Trump, son of President Trump. Thank you, Barron, for coming in today. You are free to speak your mind but I remind you that you are under oath. Because these hearings involve matters of national insecurity… if you perjure yourself, you’ll go to Jessup.

Barron Trump: You know, senator, whenever people talk about you, they always say the same thing: it’s a shame the Vietnamese pulled you out of that lake. And then you sang like a canary — weak!

Sen. Lindsey Graham: There is no reason to make this hostile! All of us in Washington have done our level best to make the Trump family welcome.

Barron Trump: And you, whenever you come on the TV at home, dad just says, “Oh, there’s that faggot ferret from the land of cotton — who does he want to bomb today?”

Sen. Dianne Feinstein: Young man, we’re interested in how you came by that set of Russian nesting dolls that your parents bought back in 2005.

Barron Trump: First of all, I wasn’t born yet in 2005. My mom and dad didn’t know if they were having a boy or a girl so they bought me the nesting dolls and a lifetime platinum membership to Slutload. But because my parents are generous they let me keep the nesting dolls too.

Sen. John McCain: Former CIA director John Brennan says that all 17 US intelligence agencies believe that there was probably microfilm hidden in your Kremlin nesting dolls because that was likely the only thing that could fit in them. The agencies feel very confident about that and so does the Washington Post and The New York Times who repeated what the CIA told them. When these blockbuster stories appeared, James Clapper submitted them to this committee as the unimpeachable evidence that they are. So my question to you is: When you opened Vladimir Putin’s last Rosemary’s Baby-like nesting doll, what was in it? Was it glowing evil? Was it plutonium? Polonium?

Barron Trump: Nah, it was deadlier — it was baloneyum.

Sen. John McCain: I’ve never heard of that. Did Putin give the baloneyum to your father to use on his future political opponents? Is that why Hillary looked awful during the 2016 campaign? Is this why Senator Ted Cruz looks so bad?

Sen. Ted Cruz: I don’t look bad! You’re the one who looks like a rancid Gila monster! I’m so sick of you getting away with vicious attacks simply because you’re old as dirt! You got too acclimated to dropping napalm on babies — you can’t treat United States senators like that!

Sen. John McCain: Well cry me a Mekong River! What a whiner! Please answer the question, Barron.

Barron Trump: By 2005, weren’t spy agencies probably using flash drives — and not microfilm? Just sayin’. Also, my mom and dad bought the nesting doll set at the Moscow Airport when they were done vacationing. Anyway, on my 16th birthday — which is close to Easter — when I opened up the last nesting doll, it turned out to be a gag gift from dad. There was a rosary in there plus a pack of condoms and a little note that said: “For when He rises.”

Sen. Lindsey Graham: This Russia scandal gets more perverted the more we look into it.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein: There’s something I don’t understand, Barron. Your parents waited 16 years from when they bought the set of KGB nesting dolls to when they gave them to you?

Barron Trump: They told me they wanted to make sure I was secure in my sexuality before they gave me dolls. Some things went wrong in the raising of Donnie and Eric — they’re always sneaking up on God’s creatures and blowing them away while they’re nursing their young or getting a drink at a watering hole — and my parents didn’t want me doing that. And, of course, the nesting dolls aren’t really dolls. I keep my diamond-studded solid gold cufflinks and tie clasps in them.

Sen. Lindsey Graham: Well, did it work — do you feel secure in your sexuality? Or do you feel the need to bomb innocent people all over the world?

Barron Trump: I’m 17 years old and I’m completely well-adjusted. I have no problem at all playing with GI Joes with my friends if that’s what I want to do. We have competitions to see who can get the scuba diving suit on and off the fastest.

Sen. Lindsey Graham: That scuba outfit was such a pain!

Sen. Robert Menendez: You’re not kidding!

Sen. Lindsey Graham: I tore off one of his arms trying to get it to fit.

Sen. Robert Menendez: I was so frustrated I ripped off his head!

Sen. Chuck Schumer: We’ve all been there.

Sen. John McCain: Barron, when did your parents give you the lifetime platinum membership to HoeLoad?

Sen. Robert Menendez: It wasn’t HoeLoad — he said BurkaBoyzBlow.

Sen. Marco Rubio: No he didn’t — it was SpankThang.

Sen. Lindsey Graham: I heard CornHolinPal.

Sen. Chuck Schumer: It was HippyJizzLamp.

Sen. Ted Cruz: Wrong — he said CuckedNLoaded.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein: No, I’m pretty sure it was GrannyTranCam. Staff, could you read back Barron Trump’s answer about his lifetime subscription to whatever that was.

Staff: It was Slutload, Senator Feinstein.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein: Thank you. It’s amazing, but never humbling, how all of us can be wrong about things. It must go against the laws of chance.

Sen. Ted Cruz: Now Barron, last night it was reported on the Rachel Maddow show that Vladimir Putin was in Dallas on November 22, 1963 —

Barron Trump: Oh, so you’re using this hearing to cover up again for your dad on the grassy knoll? Let’s ask Alex Jones where your pops was on that day, doughboy. Rachel Mad Cow? How can I comment on something I’ve never seen? My parents won’t let me watch that trash.

Sen. Ted Cruz: So you’ve never seen that show?

Barron Trump: Every night that Mad Cow is on — that’s my time period to study Russian literature. This week I’ve been reading The Brothers Karamazov. Last week it was Fathers and Sons by Turgenev.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein: So, is it your testimony that Rachel Mad Cow causes people to love Russia and Russian culture more?

Barron Trump: It causes people to hate Democrats more — I know that.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein: But the nesting doll scandal, these KGB heirlooms passed down from Stalin to your father, this has also been reported on by Whoopi Goldberg on The View.

Barron Trump: When The View is on that’s when I study the great Russian composers. This week I’m learning Rachmaninoff’s Prelude in C Sharp Minor. Senator Feinstein, did you know that the span between Rachmaninoff’s thumb and his little pinky was longer than John Holmes’s cock? How rad is that?

Sen. Lindsey Graham: Wow! What I could do with something like that!

Sen. Chuck Schumer: Please tell this committee everything that you could do with something like that, Senator Graham. I’m sure all the Gamecock voters in the great state of South Carolina want to know.

Sen. Lindsey Graham: I’d — I’d —

Barron Trump: He could play all those two-handed octaves in “The Great Gate of Kiev” from Pictures at an Exhibition. I mean, my dad couldn’t do that cuz his hands aren’t that big… but maybe Senator Graham could.

Sen. Lindsey Graham: That’s right! Thank you, Barron. I was having trouble thinking of the name of that piece. Let’s put this behind us.

Sen. Marco Rubio: I don’t understand this abnormal interest in literature and music. Let’s move on. Previously, we’ve heard testimony from former FBI director James Comey which suggests that your father is Putin’s Manchurian Candidate and you’re Damien of The Omen. Which one is more true?

Barron Trump: I’m more the Manhattan Candidate. As soon as I get complete control over my trust fund, every one of you will be lining up from here to the Lincoln Memorial for Trumpo dinero.

Sen. Marco Rubio: You apparently lead a very self-centered life. Has it ever occurred to you to do anything for your fellow man — like bomb Cuban airliners or go to the Holy Land and shoot Arabs for sport? How committed are you to the nation of Israel?

Sen. Lindsey Graham: Oh, great! Why did you bring Israel into this, Marco?

Sen. Chuck Schumer: Now we’re going to be here awhile.

Sen. Ted Cruz: Do you ever stop running for Sheldon’s shekels, you little punk?

Sen. John McCain: Well, we all have to say something. I’ll begin: We need to bomb Iran — like yesterday.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein: It isn’t good enough to move Israel’s capital from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem — we need to move it to Tehran.

Barron Trump: If you both get what you want, you’ll be bombing Israel’s new capital.

Sen. Chuck Schumer: Am I up? There is no daylight between my lips and Bibi’s ass.

Sen. Ted Cruz: There’s only 1.5 billion Muslims in the world — it wouldn’t be too much trouble to kill them all if it makes Israel feel better.

Sen. Robert Menendez: This tepid, rote support of Israel disgusts me. To guarantee the security of Israel, I’d be willing to kill every non-Jew in the world, including all my family members and cap it off with my own suicide. Not only that but also every liberal self-hating Jew who supports the BDSM movement.

Sen. Lindsey Graham: You’re a patriot and a poet, Bob! It comes so natural when you love your country.

Sen. Chuck Schumer: The what movement? What did he say…? Staff, what was the last thing that Senator Menendez said?

Staff: He said he wants to kill every liberal self-hating Jew who supports the BDSM movement.

Sen. Robert Menendez: What’s the problem? I don’t get it. Why should the Israelis be the only people in the world that the BDSM people punish?

Sen. Ted Cruz: So fucking stupid he’s right. He probably just started a new cottage industry.

Barron Trump: I don’t see the problem either. Part of the definition is… they like it!

Sen. Marco Rubio: This is all worse than I thought! Do Haim and Sheldon know about this?

Sen. Dianne Feinstein: All great questions. Senator Menendez is playing on so many different levels today that my head is spinning. I fold.

Sen. Ted Cruz: I’m out too. Unpacking this isn’t going to lead anywhere good.

Sen. Chuck Schumer: You Latino senators are amazing — it’s like Cinco de Mitzvah 24/7!

Sen. Dianne Feinstein: Tell me about it! I feel like I’m constantly being out-Jewed!

Sen. Marco Rubio: It takes a lot of chutzpah for you to say that!

Sen. Robert Menendez: Tedious kvetching. She’s got bupkes.

Sen. Ted Cruz: Let’s get back to Barron’s Commie tchatchkes.

Sen. John McCain: Staff, please forward Senator Menendez’s original comment to the Guinness Book of World Records. Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve been at this for twenty minutes today. I think we should adjourn until tomorrow. We have some very promising leads to follow up on. Tomorrow, Melania Trump will be testifying again. She’ll be bringing in the newest additions to the Trump family, the fraternal twin girls — Lolita “the bomb” Molotov Trump and Modest “mouse” Mussorgsky Trump. God only knows who the father is but we’ll be looking into that too. The girls were born in 2019 just as Putin ramped up plans to throw the 2024 US Presidential election into chaos and make America look like a laughingstock across the world. Thankfully, we won’t let him do that. We’re going to be paying particular attention to the timeline of the twins’ birth and conception because the first lady accompanied the president to the summit with Putin in Sochi, a place which is apparently as romantic as it gets for the hammer and sickle crowd. DNA will be collected. Both Putin and Lavrov spat on me at the G20 and I saved it so we already have theirs. The twins are too young even for Jessup so I hope counsel will inform them about the honor system.

Sen. Lindsey Graham: Come on, senator — if we want anything close to the truth, they should be made to swear on a stack of Chekhov plays!

Sen. John McCain: Well, we’ll sort out the swearing-in process tomorrow. By the way, former Senator Joe Biden has told me privately that Lolita, in particular, is a fetching young lady.

Barron Trump: She’s only four years old you fucking pervs!

Sen. John McCain: And last but not least, be prepared for a full day on Monday when the entire committee flies to New York for the exhumation of Fred Trump’s body. I understand you never met your grandpa, son. Well here’s your chance. I thank you all. It’s been a pleasure to conduct the people’s business today.

Barron Trump: Right — dolls, porn and Israel.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein: It’s been a long day and tempers have flared. Barron, let’s leave this on a friendlier note: Do you have any political ambitions for yourself?

Barron Trump: No, not at all. This is the one thing that dad got wrong. It’s much better to sit in the penthouse and bribe you idiots than live in a shit hole in DC and try to work with you. What kind of world do we live in where rabble can jump over the fence to the CEO’s front lawn and live to tell about it? How is there not a pack of Presa Canarios on that ass? We’ve been here for almost eight years and we still haven’t seen a secret service agent! What’s with cherry blossoms that only last a couple weeks when I can have Juliet roses, Saffron crocus and Shenzhen orchids in our foyer every day of the year. And don’t even get me started about the pedestrian, depressing National Gallery of Art with stern old fogies staring down at us, interrupted occasionally by exhibitions of Cameroonian 2 x 4’s — statues — art we’re told. Or Archie Bunker’s chair at the Smithsonian — talk about deplorable — who thought up this shit! And the DC Metro — have you ever seen the Moscow Metro? Muscovites travel in art every day while American yahoos travel hundreds of miles on broken down roads to fetishize Dorothy’s ruby slippers! So you got the East Wing, big whoop — how many decades are you going to rest on that laurel? You gonna wheel out I.M. Pei to do something right again and hope it lasts another 50 years? And your most famous film production — your mayor smoking crack in a motel room? The Oval Orifice — Bill Clinton’s glory hole! Do you understand how underwhelming Ford’s Theatre is? What a tacky, terrible place to be shot dead in! When my dad goes, I hope he goes fighting out of a deep state sand trap on the back nine at West Palm! MOMA, Guggenheim, The Met, Broadway, The Garden, Lincoln Center, Juilliard, Carnegie Hall, Coney Island, Central Park, here I come!

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Randy Shields can be reached at music2hi4thehumanear@gmail.com. His writings and art are collected at RandyShields.com.

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