Ubu Orange

Ubu Roi (Ubu the King or King Ubu) is a play by Alfred Jarry. The title is sometimes translated as King Turd; however, the word “Ubu” is actually merely a nonsense word. The 1896 play resounds again in our own time of nonsense, when an Orange king turns the world upside down.

Ubu Orange: My gut tells me it’s raining.

Chamberpot: I shall notify the sun, sir.

UO: Some people say I spent the night in a bunker. I was there briefly on an inspection tour. Antifa Deep State complex. Very sad. You know, Chamberpot, I can do whatever I want as president.

CP: Protesters tried to burn that church of presidents last night.

UO: I was thinking of going there and holding up a Bible. Ivanka keeps one in her$1,540 Max Mara tote bag. Such a sign I can tell you that she’ll be the first woman president.

CP: Over a hundred journalists were assaulted by the police in the fray.

UO: Enemies of the people. Antifa. Was that little climate change girl there? What about The Woman from Michigan? Nasty both of them. How are our friends doing?

CP: All flights out of the country have been cancelled, sir, except for private aircraft heading for islands they own. Others are sheltering in place on their yachts. Your son in law, Cushwad, is outside. Also, Vice President Putz, wanting to thank you on behalf of the nation for your holy domination.

“UO: Tell Cushwad to come in. No wait. Let’s send him to …ah, Hong Kong. Patch things up between those guys and the Chinese. They’re all Chinese, aren’t they? It’s not like somebody was Mexican. The Covid stopped them swimming across the Missouri.”

CP: Might I ask, sir, whether the virus is a conspiracy, sir?

UO: Obamagate. It’s been going on for a long, long time … from before I even got elected … some terrible things happened. Some people say that. We’ll see. This could go all the way to my Supreme Court, but I don’t think so. Some people want to wear masks. Some don’t. It could be fake news. Some old people, sick ones too, and the homeless. Some people say blacks and browns are dying at a very high rate. Turn on Friends & Fiends. I mean the whole thing. China. I would think the people would want an investigation. Some people died, you know, Chamberpot.

CP: Of the Covid?

UO: That’s what fake news says but maybe a lot of people died for a lot of reasons. It’s like the weather changes for a lot of reasons. Nobody really knows. They don’t like their guns being taken away. The people. So, you get suicides. They’d rather kill themselves than let Crazy Nancy take their guns away. You know some people say socialism makes good everyday Americans suicidal. China.

CP: Is Sleepy Joe a socialist, sir?

UO: The Squad will own whatever mind he has left. I got a guy now…I don’t know him. He’s a fine man. He took over the whole health department and he’s lobbying hard to keep pharmaceuticals American. We need them in the game. He was a drug lobbyist. A real success. But you know, he’s got to deal with a bunch of wingnuts took over there with the Democrats. It’s a shame. So sad when you want to take the profit out of something and think you’ll still get your pills. We’re going to get rid of Obamacare and put something really beautiful in. Send Barge in.

Barge: We’re investigating the jury that sent Stonebag to jail.

UO: What about Shifty? House arrest? Antifa? They’re terrorists you know. You know I can do whatever I want as president.

Barge: Absolutely.

UO: Like Louie the Ninth.

Chamberpot: I believe he was canonized by the Catholic Church.

Barge: We can’t get rid of Congressman as quickly as inspector generals. It’s difficult. Shifty is a Congressman. We’d have to invent a crime. Also, these Antifa people are Americans.

UO: Illegals. Are there any inspector generals left?

CP: You made your son in law Inspector of all inspector generals. He’s the uber general.

(A shout is heard: “The whole nation thanks you for that, Mr. President!”)

UO: Who was that? Putz?

(Shout: “The quickest way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun!)

CP: I’ll go out there and calm him down.

UO: Some people say Shifty murdered that woman in Joe Coffee’s office?

Barge: That could work. Let me get on it.

UO: Some people say Madame Speaker was at the crossroads. Sold her soul for some teeth and a face stretch.

Barge: I could get behind that.

UO: Made a pact with the devil. I don’t know. It’s what some people say. You know, I think we should investigate the post office. Some people say they got a sleezy deal going with Jeff Gazillion. Tell me again, why I can’t close The Washington Post? Forget it. Who reads old technology? Wood pulp prop. We’ll close Twitter though. They’re working for the Deep State now. Obamagate. China. Antifa.

Barge: Twitter is your feeder into MAGA minds, sir.

UO: OK. Let’s nationalize it. Amazon too. You know, I think we should do something to get old Sleepy Joe out of his basement. Get him talking gibberish on camera. What do you think?

Barge: He’s got a lot of caregivers. Hard to get to him.

UO: Tell Callie Ann Runway to run her mouth with a camera crew outside his house. Day and night. She’ll wear him down or give him a stroke. She’ll bring him out.

Barge: I believe she’s still chained in the old Nixon bowling alley.

UO: She’s a helluva an asset. Husband Moonface. Deranged, stone cold loser from Hell.

CP: (rushing in) Someone in an orange wig and an orange face shot a man in black face on Fifth Avenue and they re-elected him!

UO: I’ll retweet that.

Barge: Just a dry rehearsal Ubu Orange, Jr. is running in case Sleepy Joe wins the election.

UO: He can’t win because I can’t lose. Did my bikers show up last night?

Barge: Cushwad might not be able to shut the post office down in time.

UO: Did I make him Postmaster General?

CP: Surgeon General. He stopped the testing. What a perfect guy. He brought peace to the Middle East before the Palestinians knew what was up. He’s working on a warp drive to get us to Mars.”

UO: Some people say Odrama put the wrong testing kits out there. Some people say it was Hellary, but I don’t know. That’s a pretty nasty trick. We should look into that.

Barge: I could get behind that.

UO: I hear nobody died from the Covid. That’s what they say.

CP: Perhaps my great aunt died?

UO: That’s a nasty question, Chamberpot.

CP: I mean she died of old age.

UO: She was dominated. Like Sleepy Joe. Totally. Fear of dying has him choked. He can hardly breathe. That’s why they don’t put him on TV much. Some people say that Fluoride isn’t dead, that the whole thing is a conspiracy. Staged they say. I think we should look into that. Antifa. Sad very sad. They say Flood’s been shipped off to a Democrat safe zone.

Barge: I could get behind that. You mean George Floyd?

UO: It could be. Never met the man. I might have seen him fight Joe Loomis. Big black guy. You know, I’ve got Dr. Fotch on the run. Small man. Weak. Easily dominated. He wanted more tests. Don’t smoke. Wear a mask. Don’t carry a gun. Now he doesn’t know what he wants. If you don’t test and you don’t keep count it’s like you don’t have a post office and you can’t send in your ballot and if you don’t have a House of Representatives, then you don’t have an impeachment.

Barge: The DOJ is close to charging Congressional instigators of that with treason.

UO: I could dissolve the House like Crumbwell did.

CP: I believe he was a limey and it was the limey Parliament.

UO: Still, some people say he did it here too. I could do that. Put Crazy Nancy out of a job.

Barge: Your lawyers did an excellent job in asserting your absolute power.

UO: It’s in the Constitution, if you read it the way it should be read and not the way they teach you to read in public schools.

UO: Get DeDross on the phone. Hullo, Betz. Any public schools left?

DD: We don’t use that word anymore, Mr. President. We’re all BASIS curriculum for profit enterprises managed for profit, teacher union free and managed for profit for the greater good of profit and God. We are building God’s kingdom in the classroom. “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the Truth’ (3 John 4).”

(Shout: “The nation wants to thank you for bringing Christ into the world, Mr. President!)

UO: Putz. Pay him no attention. I hope you don’t have those kiddies wearing a mask.

DD: Not part of the required uniform. Those destined to die will die whether they wear a mask or not.

UO: Strong. Dominating. I like that. Education not a change maker, hun?

DD: But a marketing frontier, Mr. President, that some are destined to develop for the good of all.

UO: A perfect conversation! See you at Margaloogey.

UO: Did you say Uncle Ben’s out there? You think he’s a looney, Chamberpot?

CP: Compared to? You were going to make Dr. Ben the new health secretary. He’s a surgeon. Brain surgeon.”

UO: Is he? Seen anybody he’s worked on?

CP: He’s our only cabinet member of color.

UO: Is he? Where?’

CP: Housing Secretary. Bi-partisan urban renewal. Demolish the low rent areas and renew them with Gucci and Prada. High end condos and artisanal shopping.

UO: Some people say if you throw people out on the street, they’ll get a job quick enough. Makes sense. Why would anyone work if you pay them not to work? It’s like the environment. How could it be a natural thing if you stop everybody from acting naturally? Only socialists want to leave the air and the water alone. We’d all still be in caves if we let nature alone.”

(Shout offstage: “Thank you for giving us Nature as God meant it to be, Mr. President!)

CP: The Vice President had too much coffee this morning, sir. You need to you’re your new Press Secretary, KellyKaye for the press briefing.

UO: Okay, KellyKaye. That woman in Michigan. Nasty. Antifa.

KK: Very nasty. Who are we talking about? Oh, yeah. Terrorists.

UO: Some people are asking to see the body.

KK: Of course. Whose body might that be?

UO: Hellary has a body they hid. Joe Coffee has one. A lot of bodies in blue states. You have to wonder. Obamagate. The video shows the officer was kneeling over the neck, like protecting him. Or praying for him.

KK: Of course. Who exactly was kneeling over whose neck?

UO: They should know that if there was a loss in November, things could get much worse than Antifa is making them now. Much worse. I’ve got the Bikers and the generals.”

KK: The Bikers and the Generals?

UO: That was a treasonous attack on the executive office. The Attorney General is on to them and will prosecute the whole lot.

KK: By the whole lot, you mean?

UO: There will be a price to pay for that insurrection.

KK: I think we’re on the same page here. Page?

UO: I won’t walk away because of that. I mean what is it really? Hoax? Fraud? Conspiracy. Deep State. Antifa. Obamagate. I got so much confusion going I’m confusing the most stable genius in the world.

KK: And that of course is?

UO: You think you can get a 150% behind me, KellyKaye?

KK: Of course, sir. No president has ever been impeached and then re-elected.

UO: I wasn’t impeached Constitutionally, and I can’t lose the election, whatever Crazy Nancy says. My concession speech? Fraud at the polls. Deep State conspiracy. Guns and bikers get out there! Dominate!

KK: Just do a tweet and say you won and let it go at that. Fake news if they say you didn’t. Your acceptance speech could go viral even if you didn’t win. So, really, you won.

UO: Cushwad wants the White House to announce all the returns as they come in. Sort of the real Donald J. Trump returns. Fox will verify. We show our numbers. They show theirs. I think we’ve got the generals behind us on this. The cops too. And the Bikers.

KK: About them. Who are ….

CP: Senator MacConklin wants a few seconds of your time, sir.

UO: The Turtle? Send him it.

Sen. Turtle: The Senate would like to thank you, Mr. President for bringing the people the Republican Party wants to liberate from government into the party. It was a wonderful bi-partisan move. Most of your MAGA need the government in some way or another to survive. We will free them to sleep on grates and live under bridges and in boxes. As Ronald Reagan prophesied. Our Party will defend them from the banks. And the folks at Goldfinch and Sacks.

UO: Well, you know, Senator, I can do anything I want as president.

ST: About these race riots controlled by left wing terrorists.

UO: Antifa. They’re opposed to American values.

ST: I know that in your second term, Mr. President, you will make it clear that you and the Republican Party do not need to spread hatred, fear and confusion to attract voters. We do it because we’re admired for our success, our ownership, our rich lifestyles. Envy has always been the lubricant of the yearning to be better than the next guy. You’re loved, Mr. President, because your supporters want to be like you. My wife was labor secretary under Bushwa, and she told the Teamsters to their face that they were a bunch of crooks and that’s what they should expect from her Labor Department. We pay for private security, of course. The Teamsters can’t get to her. You have a very attractive daughter and your son in law is a one-person replacement of the State Department, the Pentagon and the school lunch program.

UO: Let’s cancel that. Kids should eat lunch at home. Uncle Ben is building homes for them. By the way, are we still in the United Nations? We are? Get us out. Keep up the good work, Senator.

ST: I won’t lose the Senate for you, Sir. Everything will be dead on arrival. May I kiss your ring?

UO: Cushwad is tallying the Senate returns so don’t worry. The numbers will be ours.

CP: Your senior counselor is here, Mr. President.

UO: KathieKellieAnne. Everything good?

KKA: No one but Fox will let me on. They say I’m an apparatchik propagandist and talking to me threatens to undermine the Everyday American’s brainpan. They say I shoot out words like bullets from a Gatling Gun. Whatever that is. Liberals don’t like facts alternative to their own. They want to own words and facts and I don’t let them. They can’t shut me up.

UO: Melania says I’m not a racist. She’s Slovonian or something like that. Ivana was Morovianin. Not colored, but foreign. Kind of the same thing. Not orange. Absolutely not a racist.

KKA: Don’t ever repeat that, Mr. President. Crazy Nancy will weaponize it.

UO: Can we jail her?

KKA: In your second term. When you can really show everyone you can do anything you want. Like Mussolini. Of course, he wound up hanging from a lamp post.

(Shout off stage: “The nation thanks you for being a very stable genius who is not a racist, Mr. President!”)


Joseph Phillip Natoli’s The New Utrecht Avenue novel trilogy is on sale at Amazon. Time is the Fire ended what began with Get Ready to Run and Between Dog & Wolf. Humour noire with counterpunches. .