FacebookTwitterRedditEmail

If You Can Read This, You’re Too Close

The problem as I see it (and from where I’m sitting it’s all I can see) is that us Americans are too dumb to survive. When I say “too dumb”, I don’t mean any slight against persons of the mute persuasion, although sign language is so pretentious. Neither do I just mean ignorant or undereducated-in fact these are qualities I admire in women of an athletic build. And by “us Americans”, I don’t mean every single American currently abroad in the land. I mean Americans in the collective sense, as I might mean sheep, lemmings, or herring. We’re so dumb, ladies and gentlemen, we get our politics off the fenders of other people’s cars.

The scary part is, so does the man who styles himself president. You think he’s dumb? What does that make the people who support him? When I say that Americans are dumb, I’m talking about bone stupid. Stupider than a sack of fried wombat scats. It’s a miracle that people this stupid can breath simultaneously with both lungs. If you pitted a glass of tap water against the average citizen of this nation in a contest of wits, I’m guessing the outcome would be too close to call. How can you tell if water is potable? Pick it up and carry it around. There are Oldsmobile Cutlasses from the mid-1970’s smarter than Americans today, and the Cutlass came with factory air.

Among the Buddhist koans I have studied is this one: “What is the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield?” Years after I left the temple to wander the Old West on a pilgrimage in search of enlightenment, setting things right wherever I went with a mixture of Eastern philosophy and Kung Fu, I comprehended the answer. The last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield is, of course, its ass. That’s where we’re headed, Spanky, and this windshield isn’t a product of Oldsmobile. This windshield is the almost inevitable future, a vast pane of triple-hardened glass we can see through, but cannot pass through. God help us. When I say “us”, I mean of course “We”, as in, “The People”. One of whom I am, and this is the crux of the nub of the gist of the essence of the pith of the kernel of the marrow of the matter, whatever that was. I forgot what I was saying. As for ‘God’, you either know who that is, or isn’t. I leave it to you. “God Said It, I Believe It, That Settles It”, as the bumper sticker goes.

What in Sam Hill does “Power of Pride” mean? Or “These Colors Never Run”? Pride hath no power, you Bible-thumping thimble-brains. Words and deeds is where it’s at. I’m proud of my moustache, for example. It’s a special moustache. It’s on my forehead, right above the tattoo of the topsail ketch ‘Mary Rose’. But my moustache pride has no inherent power. I can be proud of it for eight hours a day and nothing changes. These colors never run? They sure do fade. The red goes first, so you end up with this white flag with a blue square in one corner. Isn’t that Denmark? Americans are crouching behind bumper-sticker slogans rather than think. That’s Kerry’s problem (aside from a three-foot head): he doesn’t know how to reduce his statements down to where they’ll fit on a seven-inch strip of vinyl in 120-point type. On the other hand, George W. Bush is the bumper-sticker president. “One Nation, Under God”. “Dead Or Alive”. “You’re With Us, Or You’re With The Terrorists”. “I’m A War President”. “Is Our Children Learning?” We earned him.

I’m an American, and a patriot, and it doesn’t say so on the bumper of my car. My bumper doesn’t say anything. It must be dumb. I don’t need a sticker printed by slaves in China to prove I’m American. I prove I’m American the old-fashioned way: by thinking for myself, insofar as I’m capable of thinking. Support Our Troops? I did, I tried to keep them home. And now I’m trying to get them back. Affixing a magnetic yellow ribbon to the back of your Oldsmobile isn’t going to help our troops one damn bit. Hey, I have an idea: why don’t you enlist? That’s what a real patriotic American who believes in George W. Bush would do. Me, I think he lied us into this situation, so I’m not volunteering. “United We Stand”, the sticker says. Divided We Are, however. Props to George, prince of fenderspeak.

I suggest we stop putting stickers on our bumpers, and start putting them on our windshields. That way we’ll have something to read in the last instant before our asses go through our heads.

BEN TRIPP can be reached at credel@earthlink.net.

His book, ‘Square In The Nuts’, has been held up at the printers by thugs but will be released as soon as hostage negotiations conclude.

See also www.cafeshops.com/tarantulabros.

 

More articles by:

bernie-the-sandernistas-cover-344x550

June 19, 2019
Matthew Stevenson
Requiem for a Lightweight: the Mayor Pete Factor
Kenneth Surin
In China Again
Stephen Cooper
Abolishing the Death Penalty Requires Morality
George Ochenski
The DNC Can’t Be Allowed to Ignore the Climate Crisis
John W. Whitehead
The Omnipresent Surveillance State
William Camacaro - Frederick B. Mills
Guaidó’s Star Fades as His Envoys to Colombia Allegedly Commit Fraud With Humanitarian Funds for Venezuela
Dave Lindorff
What About Venezuela’s Hacked Power Grid?
Howard Lisnoff
Try Not to Look Away
Binoy Kampmark
Matters of Water: Dubious Approvals and the Adani Carmichael Mine
Karl Grossman
The Battle to Stop the Shoreham Nuclear Plant, Revisited
Kani Xulam
Farting in a Turkish Mosque
Dean Baker
New Manufacturing Jobs are Not Union Jobs
Elizabeth Keyes
“I Can’t Believe Alcohol Is Stronger Than Love”
June 18, 2019
John McMurtry
Koch-Oil Big Lies and Ecocide Writ Large in Canada
Robert Fisk
Trump’s Evidence About Iran is “Dodgy” at Best
Yoav Litvin
Catch 2020 – Trump’s Authoritarian Endgame
Thomas Knapp
Opposition Research: It’s Not Trump’s Fault That Politics is a “Dirty” Game
Medea Benjamin - Nicolas J. S. Davies
U.S. Sanctions: Economic Sabotage that is Deadly, Illegal and Ineffective
Gary Leupp
Marx and Walking Zen
Thomas Hon Wing Polin
Color Revolution In Hong Kong: USA Vs. China
Howard Lisnoff
The False Prophets Cometh
Michael T. Klare
Bolton Wants to Fight Iran, But the Pentagon Has Its Sights on China
Steve Early
The Global Movement Against Gentrification
Dean Baker
The Wall Street Journal Doesn’t Like Rent Control
Tom Engelhardt
If Trump’s the Symptom, Then What’s the Disease?
June 17, 2019
Patrick Cockburn
The Dark Side of Brexit: Britain’s Ethnic Minorities Are Facing More and More Violence
Linn Washington Jr.
Remember the Vincennes? The US’s Long History of Provoking Iran
Geoff Dutton
Where the Wild Things Were: Abbey’s Road Revisited
Nick Licata
Did a Coverup of Who Caused Flint Michigan’s Contaminated Water Continue During Its Investigation? 
Binoy Kampmark
Julian Assange and the Scales of Justice: Exceptions, Extraditions and Politics
John Feffer
Democracy Faces a Global Crisis
Louisa Willcox
Revamping Grizzly Bear Recovery
Stephen Cooper
“Wheel! Of! Fortune!” (A Vegas Story)
Daniel Warner
Let Us Laugh Together, On Principle
Brian Cloughley
Trump Washington Detests the Belt and Road Initiative
Weekend Edition
June 14, 2019
Friday - Sunday
Michael Hudson
Trump’s Trade Threats are Really Cold War 2.0
Bruce E. Levine
Tom Paine, Christianity, and Modern Psychiatry
Jason Hirthler
Mainstream 101: Supporting Imperialism, Suppressing Socialism
T.J. Coles
How Much Do Humans Pollute? A Breakdown of Industrial, Vehicular and Household C02 Emissions
Andrew Levine
Whither The Trump Paradox?
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: In the Land of 10,000 Talkers, All With Broken Tongues
Pete Dolack
Look to U.S. Executive Suites, Not Beijing, For Why Production is Moved
Paul Street
It Can’t Happen Here: From Buzz Windrip and Doremus Jessup to Donald Trump and MSNBC
Rob Urie
Capitalism Versus Democracy
Richard Moser
The Climate Counter-Offensive: Secrecy, Deception and Disarming the Green New Deal
FacebookTwitterRedditEmail