Yes, our world is often predictable enough, or at least it was once upon a time. But give Donald Trump credit. He’s only predictable in one way — in his remarkable unpredictability. In almost every imaginable sense, in fact, he was distinctly unimaginable (until, of course, he happened). And since entering the White House in January 2017, he’s been the most distinctly unpredictable, unpreventable, unprecedented, and, of course, unpresidential president in the history of these (ever more dis-)United States.

In fact, in a Trumpian fashion, perhaps he should be renamed Donald — not J. for John, as in, of course, a place to take a crap, but C for Crazy as a loon, although there’s no reason to insult loons by assuming they’re actually anywhere near as loony as him, especially since that J could also be for Jerk, though that’s way too mild, right? — Trump(ed), since he Trumps everything in his vicinity (including himself). There may, in truth, never have been a great imperial power on the downward slope of history ruled by quite such a maniac.

He’s presidentially unique in so many ways. Let me just take one as an example. How many other presidents have ever had to deny that the hair on their head wasn’t a wig or that they weren’t actually bald? (”I went up to the speaker, and it was blowing so hard,” Trump said about the wind that day. “I don’t wear a wig. But that night, they found out I did not wear a wig because if you did, it was not going to be on your head very long.”) Ah, it all makes sense now, right? He’s the wigless president.

Not a wiggle in sight, right?

And how many other presidents — with the exception of Grover Cleveland — ever took a specific medicine to try to prevent baldness? Okay, I’m joking about the balding President Cleveland, though in the Trumpian universe, the all-too-bald President Dwight D. Eisenhower would undoubtedly have been considered a deep embarrassment (as, of course, would I).

Despite being bald myself, I certainly understand “our” president’s urge to be hairy and not to remind any of us that he is indeed the oldest man in the White House since John Adams first moved there in 1800. (I didn’t say person, of course, because no woman, including Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris, has ever been elected president of the United States.)

It goes without saying (though I’ll say it now) that he is also undoubtedly the “greatest” American president ever! And how in the world would I know that? What source could I possibly cite? Well, an unimpeachable one, that’s for sure. Whoops, maybe what I actually mean is a distinctly impeachable one… whoops again, a doubly impeachable one, in fact — Donald J. Trump himself, of course!

At Truth Social, he recently posted a chart (that he assumedly ordered produced) of all American presidents starting with the “greatest” and moving on down to “great,” “near great,” “average,” “below average,” and finally, “failures.” And there he is (can you even believe it?), absolutely alone atop the chart, simply the greatest of the greats, just above Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Woodrow Wilson, Thomas Jefferson, and Andrew Jackson. And I’m sure you won’t be shocked to learn that, first and foremost (or do I mean lastmost?) at the very bottom, leading the “failures” is Joe Biden, followed by (of course!) Barack Obama, and then Ulysses S. Grant, Warren Harding, and Jimmy Carter.

And here’s one way that, strange as he may be, he’s been like all too many other presidents (at least in our time). He’s gotten us into another endless war — not in Afghanistan, Iraq, or Vietnam (to mention three obvious past nightmares), but this time in Iran (of all places) where he now claims to control the Strait of Hormuz, a body of water a mere 6,000 or so miles from Washington, D.C., that he only recently declared “an American territory.” In fact, here’s exactly what he said in a speech at a New York police academy: “Essentially, that’s what it is. We have the blockade. No ships get through unless we want them to… We control it with the blockade, and I like the idea of declaring it a territory.”

Ah, a “territory” of the United States of America. Of course, why not? In fact, he’s even suggested renaming it. Here’s what he wrote at Truth Social recently: “Now that we have it under USA control, should we change the name Hormuz Strait to TRUMP STRAIT??? Like America itself, it would be ‘hotter’ than ever before!”

Actually, given the war with Iran that he got this country (and himself) into more than six months ago and hasn’t been able to get this country (or himself) out of ever since, I have a small suggestion for him: maybe instead of renaming it the TRUMP STRAIT, he should consider calling it the TRUMP STRAITJACKET.

Don’t you think that makes a certain sense?

Oh, wait, let me apologize! I’m so sorry. It’s not actually a “war” with Iran in the Strait of Hormuz. I should have known better. And I say so because a real authority, Vice President J.D. Vance, has assured us that that’s the case. As he put it, “I wouldn’t call it a war right now… there is no active shooting.” Of course, an exchange of fire the very night before he said that doesn’t count for obvious reasons (not that I can faintly imagine what they are!).

Ah, and that makes perfect sense, perhaps because that overnight exchange of fire led to the death of four people, including a four-year-old Iranian child, all part of a wedding party. Why would that count as “war”?

On the cheery side, while I was writing this, diesel fuel in this country hit $5.85 a gallon. So, if Trump’s straitjacket of a war isn’t a success, I can’t imagine what it might be. Can you?

Unlike Donald Trump, when it came to war, his predecessor Joe Biden was a genuine disappointment. Yes, he did help get us out of Afghanistan after a trillion years fighting there, but he never actually started another full-scale war himself. No wonder the Democrats were voted out of the White House again in 2024!

On the other hand, The Donald’s new war has the support of a startling number of Americans. According to the latest Reuters/Ipsos poll, a striking 25% of us think that “the Iran war is worth it” and a mere 54% disagree. In other words, a full quarter of Americans are, like “our” president, eager for this country to be straitjacketed, which is no small thing, all in all.

And behind all of this is a long history. As James Baldwin wrote back in— yes! — 1972, “Though no one appears to learn very much from history, the rulers of empires assuredly learn the least. This unhappy failing will prove to be especially aggravated in the case of the American rulers, who have never heard of history and who have never read it, who do not know what the passion of a people can withstand or what it can accomplish, or how fatal is the moment, for the kingdom, when the passion is driven underground.”

And just remind me of one thing, because — and maybe it’s my own straitjacket — I don’t quite understand. Why does this country, possibly the greatest power ever on planet Earth, despite the fact that it hasn’t won a single war since World War II, so regularly make war in distant lands on this increasingly unnerving planet of ours? Maybe the balding Donald has an answer for us (but, in all honesty, I doubt it)!

This piece first appeared on TomDispatch.