“If wars can be started by lies, peace can be started by the truth.”
– Julian Assange
Now, more than ever, we need to “Make Kink Not War.”
Rattled by battles, wars and more wars, including the war on women, plus rising inequality, tyranny, misogyny, insanity, political criminality, sex-negativity, truth-relativity, hyper-religiosity, murder, mass murder, appalling apartheid, worsening climate chaos and the nuclear Doomsday Clock at 100 seconds to midnight… like so many other thinking, caring humans, I feel like I’m losing my marbles and my mind at the same time.
Thus, I’ve taken this little jingle as my light in the dark, my mantra against the madness and a bit of a gag (all puns intended) in the gloom:
Make Kink Not War!
It’s the fierce yet peaceable kinkster’s *battle cry*… but what does it mean in the real world—on the battlefield, in the bedroom, the boardroom, the classroom, the dungeon, the protest march or the play party?
Making Love vs. Making Kink
Everyone’s heard “Make Love Not War,” that groovy nugget of Swinging ‘60s-70s gold that’s guided my life since I was a child accompanying my draft-age older brother to protests against the American War in Vietnam and the nukes at Three Mile Island. As I ogled the sexy, earthy hippie protesters, I fantasized about beautiful people “making love” so passionately, they would somehow stop the wars. Unfortunately, they didn’t. Though they did stop the draft (woohoo!), the wars got worse.
Why kink instead of love? Well, many people “make war” in the name of “love.” It might be love of country, religion, family, heritage, “democracy,” or just one person (see Helen of Troy) who may or may not be real (see Jesus). Unfortunately for humanity, love-sweet-love can ignite all manner of murder and mayhem.
Another famous saying explains why: “Love has no rules.” Though no one’s sure who said it first, everyone knows it’s true. Kink, on the other hand, has lots of rules. Otherwise, it’s not kink; it’s abuse.
A kink is a “twist,” as Thomas Jefferson, one of the first to use the term to describe a feeling as opposed to a bend in the bondage rope, opined. One rule of kink is that it must be between consenting-adults when practiced in real life. SSC or “safe, sane and consensual” is the guiding imperative of kink and any kind of erotic power exchange. A step beyond SSC is RACK: Risk-Aware Consensual Kink.
This may sound like alphabet soup or seem to lack spontaneity, but kink rules when it’s based on rules.
Since Jefferson’s sexual relationship with Sally Hemings—a real slave—was not consensual, that would be abuse, not kink. Even if her shackles were made of French perfume, her reality was that she couldn’t choose to leave or say no to Master Tom.
If your kink is just fantasy, I say anything goes. Go ahead and roleplay Master Tom and slave sally, or Mistress Interrogator and hapless prisoner, Antifa and MAGA mud-wrestling; nothing is taboo when it’s all just playing in the movie of your mind… at least until our corporate owners start implanting us with microchipped “thought police.” It’s coming.
Meanwhile, just imagine… anything you like! Habitual fantasies of abuse might be a red flag, but even that’s *okay* if it’s only happening in your dreams. Sometimes your dreams are the only freedom you have.
However, if and when you transition from your impossible dreams into fragile, fleshy reality, there are many consenting-adult kink rules and protocols, and following them is part of the fun. Moreover, when you adhere to these rules—which may vary, depending on your fetish—your kinky playtime is the opposite of abuse. Indeed, kink can even help survivors of past abuse heal from their trauma.
Making “love,” on the other hand—at least in the old-fashioned, PIV (penis-in-vagina) sense of the term—is a pretty risky matter, especially these days, with America morphing into a Christofascist Gilead out of The Handmaid’s Tale, overturning abortion rights and threatening to restrict contraception, in addition to various old and new STDs going around (monkeypox anyone?) like party-crashers at a masquerade.
#GoBonobos for Kink (Not War)!
Kink can channel natural violent energy and erotic desire into mutually agreed-upon playtime activities for the sake of physical and mental expression and pleasure. You can even include a little consensual, carefully monitored pain; for kinksters, that can be the best part.
Does this sound like some strange unnatural perversion? Sorry to pop your neo-Puritanical bubble, but kink flows through nature, from the horny mountain goats to the FemDom hyenas to the pansexual dolphins frolicking kinkily in the sea. Humans are far from the only kinky—or even the kinkiest—creatures on the planet.
Indeed, our closest great ape cousins who share over 98% of our DNA, the female-empowered, male-nurturing, sex-positive bonobos, are very kinky in a Bonobo Sutra of ways. I call them the “Kinkiest Apes on Earth.” They’re also astoundingly peaceful and have never been seen killing each other in the wild or captivity. It’s amazing but as true as my stiletto heel is sharp: bonobos utilize various kinds of kink to make peace through pleasure… with a little pain.
Can we do it too?
I don’t know If we will (in time to save civilization), but I do believe that we can and—considering a cataclysmic WWIII is always hovering on the horizon—we ought to try. Let’s give kink a chance! It might well save the world… or at least, improve your love life. It’s also the basis for my presentation, “Make Kink Not War: Be Bonobo,” Version 6.0 of The Bonobo Way at DomCon LA (now playing on a platform near you) 2022.
Comic Con of Kink & Met Gala of Latex
I love DomCon LA. It’s one of my favorite “homes away from home,” or you could say, a BDSM-focused Bonoboville away from my Bonoboville. DomCon is the MetGala of Latex and the Comic-Con of Kink. All that lubed-up flash, flesh and studded fashion gives it eye-candy allure for the voyeur connoisseur… for sure!
But the heart and soul of DomCon are the Dommes, Doms, subbies, Tops, bottoms, fetishists, exhibitionists,Masters, Mistresses and kinksters of all kinds—plus a few kink-positive sex therapists like me—all of us coming together (sometimes literally) to share the love, the spanks, the ideas, the accessories, sometimes politics, but always the rules, the protocols and the kink, always the kink.
My DomCon Evolution
It takes a village to create a DomCon, or maybe a school, and the Headmistress of that School of Hard Knocks and Impact Play is Mistress Cyan St. James, who happens to have given me my first consenting-adult birthday spanking in 2004, the same year she founded DomCon,“the World’s Premiere Lifestyle and Professional Domination Convention.” I didn’t get there until 2015 when the divine Goddess Soma and her then-BF, kinky lefty Fat Mike of NoFX, invited me over for a tour and a talk about my then-new book, The Bonobo Way, and its implications for kink and the FemDom lifestyle. With that, a series was born, tailored for the largely Mistress-led DomCon, delivering an updated version of The Bonobo Way at DomCon LA in 2015,2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019, getting more elaborate each year, even incorporating a kinky cast of characterswe called the Bonoboville Commedia Erotica Players.
In 2020, Mistress Cyan named me DomCon Mistress of Ceremonies. No dominatrix myself (just a humble sex therapist), I was honored; but alas, the Coronapocalypse kept us apart, so I MC’ed DomCon 2020 Virtual from my couch. DomCon 2021 was held in person, though it was too soon for Covid-phobic me, but when 2022 rolled around, with two vaccines and boosters, I felt ready to return. I almost didn’t make it when an erotic exotic Covid-tested Bonoboville Reunion with Vice TV left me with a whopping case of pneumonia. At least, it wasn’t the wretched Rona, so within a couple weeks, I was good to #GoBonobos at DomCon.
Mistress Cyan kindly offered me MC honors again, but to reduce the risks, I declined, determined to make this DomCon a quickie. The old in-and-out, aka “the quickie,” may not be the greatest way to make love, but if you’re pushed for time or want to minimize human contact, it might be best. Besides, this was about making kink, not making love. And with the right timing, good kink can be as quick as a single, sharp, well-placed spank, the whisper of a naughty name or the swift kick of a pointy-toed shoe.
I decided to further diminish risk by taking the RV rather than staying at the Hilton. Eating in the restaurants and drinking at the hotel bar with all those laughing, chatting, maskless people crowded together just seemed like inviting Covid to an orgy in my lungs.
Considering how the Coronapocalypse had kept me captive for two years, this felt like a major jailbreak. It was great to connect with fellow kinksters, but masked physical-distancing, though sensible (as it turned out, very sensible), meant less hugging, less physical affection, less connection and less fun. We also had a few technical glitches, never good for going bonobos or even just going with the flow. As we learn from the mythical suffering of Prometheus—the plucky Greek Titan who gave humans fire technology is a great gift… and an equally great curse.
Peace through Pleasure
Despite the challenges, we powered through for the pleasure of all. Technology be damned; these kinksterscame for the Bonobo Way, and I was bound to deliver it—bonobo female empowerment, male well-being,sharing resources and peace through pleasure in all kinds of weather—even Climate Changed weather—infused with this year’s theme, “Make Kink Not War” (get the shirt), which felt especially imperative then (and now).
Russian forces had just attacked Ukraine, with Shock & Awe, the likes of which the MSM (mainstream media) hasn’t shown us since the U.S. attacked Iraq. Sitting safely in our Hilton lecture hall, we were all still pretty shaken up by the atrocities of another war—a big one—that the U.S. didn’t even start (this time).
Being a sexologist, I mused about Putin’s legendary long Covid-era meeting table (at the time) compensating for his shortcomings below the belt, literally distancing him from his fellow humans and his own humanity. Of course, that happens to all leaders who become dictators… but there seems to be something especially, disturbingly shady about Vlady.
Maybe it’s the KGB in him. In Vladimir Putin, the U.S. “War Machine” has an enemy even Hollywood couldn’t create; he’s so easy to hate. Putin’s brutalities make it a little more challenging to “be bonobo” and advocate for peace, to say the least. Of course, nobody said this would be easy, and it’s likely to get worse. But peace is the way, the Bonobo Way.
This is why, even though I loathe Putin’s Russo-fascist war crimes (what’s to like?), the Bonobo Way is to make peace somehow, so I try not to demonize him as “pure evil” or “inhuman” (I don’t even call tRump those names), like some of his other critics.
Unfortunately, the little dick-tator is all too human—just another numb, dumb, disturbed, desensitized member of our species with way too much power… and too much gas (pun intended).
On the other side, NATO is no bonobo organization. Quite the contrary, NATO’s purpose is war and, unfortunately for humanity, Putin’s inexcusable aggression has given NATO greater purpose than ever.
My fantasy is that a hot DomCon Dominatrix seduces little Vlady into surrendering his outsized power and making peace through pleasure… with a little pain.
I’m only half-kidding when I say that the right Domme could do the job—that is, use her kinky wiles to persuade Putin to make peace… though I don’t think NATO would let her.
Christofascist Wars & Liberating Kink
As I write this four months after DomCon, other wars have taken the headlines, from America’s Christofascist Supreme Court’s war on women, police wars on protesters, and a Civil War (or somethingcrazier) brewing between “Left” and “Right,” as individual mass-shooters declare war on their communities for revenge, fear, racism, sexual frustration or a moment of ill-begotten fame.
Between Putin’s aggressions and NATO’s expansions, the war in Ukraine rages on—as does the Saudi war on Yemen, Israel’s war on Palestine, colonial wars on indigenous peoples, the wealthy’s war on the poor, the Capitalocene Megamachine’s war on the Earth, and many other wars around the world—making the arms dealers and oil barons rich and everyone else broke, afraid, sick or dead. Meanwhile, the MSM covers war like a wrestling match, mass murder like a video game and sex like the work of the Devil.
Actually, the “Devil” (recently voiced by Danny DeVito and denounced by Louisiana Congressman Mike Johnson) isn’t such a bad fellow, being a Christianization of the Greek God Pan, Lord of the Wild and a rather kinky creature. Pan also lends his name to Pan Paniscus, the Latin classification for the bonobos.
Which brings me back to The Bonobo Way at DomCon LA 2022, which may not be my *best* in the series, without my sensational Bonoboville Commedia Erotica Players, signature OTK (Over-the-Knee) Bonobo Way book-spankings nor hugs for my audience when they asked good questions. Though I did fling green garlands around their necks (from two yards away) proclaiming, “You got lei’ed… at DomCon LA!”
Well, it was good enough. Actually, it was a lot better than “good enough.” Sometimes I swear I whip myself harder than any Mistress or Master would.
But really, the important thing was just to be there, even for just a quickie, and to deliver “Make Kink Not War.” Not that most DomCon attendees are war criminals, warmongers or even pro-war, although quite a few are veterans of America’s wars.
Most (though not all) DomCon folks are out of the closet and know what’s good, and mass-killing at home or abroad—with or without the badge, stripes or kinky medals—is demonstrably not good.
However, there are a lot of closeted kinksters currently working in all branches of government and the military, on police forces, in sheriff’s departments, in conservative billionaire-funded think tanks, in bigoted enclaves, even in the anti-abortion groups that are making war on women and LGBTQ people. Hopefully, some will realize (as a closeted Chelsea Manning did in 2010) that this military juggernaut is growing and will continue to grow—domestically and internationally—even as it slides towards tyranny, consuming us all, destroying life on Earth—unless we stop it, or at least slow it down.
Kinksters in the Military and in the Militias: Lay down your arms! Pick up a sex toy. Expose the War Machine in whatever way you can. Make kink, not war.
I’m only half-kidding when I say maybe kink can liberate us from the War Machine, the first and worst tyranny of the MegaMachine. So far, nothing else has.
Perma-War vs. Peaceful Kink
The U.S. War Machine, aka the “Defense” industry, with a bigger budget than the next 10 countries combined, is getting slicker, trickier and more effective at making its case for war, war and more war—even as it LOSES war after war, only to brazenly demand money and support to fight more wars.
Perma press stays wrinkle-free thanks to isocyanates and other toxic chemicals, but the chemicals of war are far more lethal. Not only does war kill countless millions and damage our fragile ecosystem; it also does irreparable harm to our collective human spirit.
As another great old 1960s saying goes, “War is not healthy for children or other living things”… and that was before we learned that the U.S. military is the worst polluter and contributor to global warming on the planet.
War is not only unhealthy and the opposite of the Bonobo Way; it’s not even the Human Way. More and more archeological evidence is showing us that warfare is not an innate human trait (though violence is), but a function of private property ownership, agriculture and so-called civilization. For over 100,000 years, humans with bodies and brains like ours lived without war. Can we do it again? Can we make peace through pleasure or are we hell-bent on burning the Pale Blue Dot to ash?
The erotophobic Victorians called masturbation “self-pollution,” but unless you toss your tissues out the window, it actually pollutes very little. Indeed, a little self-pleasure is the ultimate in clean energy, releasing feel-good hormones. Same with kink. Both are rewarding, renewable human resources.
Most kinky pleasures—with a little consenting-adult pain—can be shared with no serious harm to anyone or anything on or in Mother Earth (unless your kink is ammosexual roulette or joining the Mile High Club). War always causes serious harm and has a tendency to destroy everything in its path.
As far as humans go, there are almost as many different kinks as there are stars in the sky, but a lot of them fit under the Big Tent of BDSM, which breaks down to consenting-adult Bondage & Discipline (B&D), Dominance & Submission (D/s) and Sadomasochism (SM).
If you want to engage in BDSM play, I recommend you study this ancient, somewhat esoteric practice, preferably with an experienced BDSM practitioner, then start light and gradually ease into more intense activity. Share ideas and techniques with fellow kinksters on the MKNW path. Take classes at DomCom!
When responsibly handled, BDSM can be a great bonoboësque channel for erotic power exchange, a way to express potentially violent passions without hurting anyone, including yourself. It can involve sexual psychodrama, safely and imaginatively releasing aggressive forces that fester in our subconscious, so they don’t explode into real-world destructive behavior.
In our modern militaristic, ammosexual culture, it’s no surprise that many of us have violent fantasies and desires. Of course, acting on these fantasies nonconsensually would be unethical, criminal and profoundly heinous. So… what to do about them?
Complete suppression is usually the only solution on the table, even though it has long been proven to be ineffective and, for many, impossible.
BDSM is certainly no panacea, and kinksters can be abusers like any other humans. However, the conscientious practice of SSC and RACK BDSM can effectively channel these feelings, even sometimes helping to heal trauma. Studies have yet to be done on this subject, but based on my three decades as a sex therapist, relationship counselor and kinkster, I’ve personally seen that, yes, kink can be that healing.
Of course, it’s not just about healing ourselves; we desperately need to heal this earth we’ve harmed and continue to harm. Many endangered species need our help, including our kinky kissing cousins who show us the way to peace through sharing pleasure and resources. Save the bonobos—and they will help us save ourselves! Please support Lola ya Bonobo and the Bonobo Conservation Initiative for a kinkier, friendlier, more peaceful and sustainable world.
Lay Down Your Arms
DomCon 2022 was fun, but I’m glad we made it a “quickie,” mainly because we didn’t catch Covid and unfortunately, a lot of my fellow attendees did. We may be “done” with Covid, but it’s not quite done with us. On the other hand, Covid-avoidance definitely cramps one’s kinky style. Hopefully, there will be more intensive, extended, touchy-feely Covid-free fetish fun at future DomCons.
In the meantime, the MKNW seed has been planted in the great, swirling, sparkly, lubed-up and lusty DomCon-o-sphere, and now on Youtube, IG and Facebook, it can wind its way into the closeted kinky ears of government, think tank and military personnel, as well as poor lonely misguided ammosexuals everywhere.
Lay Down Your Arms! MKNW (Make Kink Not War).