Dear Americanskis,
Greetings from Siberia!
Allow me to introducing myself. I am Boris Badenov, once was world’s greatest no-goodnik — until Vladimir Putin came along. Boris Commie atheist self no longer popular in Motherland but I have five year plan to make Boris great again!
First, let it be stated as fact that Boris possess overflow sympathy for Americanskis having no choice between orange mooses’s ass and cheeky neocon squirrel in last presidential election.
Boris now ready for jump on anti-Putin shit wagon and put offer of humble services to CIA to send Vlad packing. Boris is full agreement that Vlad is bad for Motherland — let Boris count ways:
1) Vlad is capitalist roadster forgetting good reason for Cold War: if United States government not fought everywhere at all times — Yugoslavia, Iraq, Libya, Ukraine, Latin America, Africa — it will appear at doorstep, breaking borscht bowl. Nothing personal, Americanskis, but Great Satan can do no other than evil, so must protect against it.
2) Fan boys speak of Vlad playing eleven levels of chess and we now see meaning: Iraq leveled, Libya leveled, Ukraine leveled, Syria leveled. Great Satan begins every match by leveling chessboard — and Motherland gets on knees picking up pieces. Comrade rat-face, we see the levels and the leveling — where is the chess? Great Satan say: “Thanks for playin’, sucka!”
3) Vlad possess powerful S-300 and S-400 missile defense systems in Syria which are said to seal Syrian airspace — so much so that only American, Turkish, British, Bahrainian, Dutch, Canadian, German, French, Saudi, Jordanian, Australian and Israeli jets can bomb Syria with impunity. Vlad succeed to keep out the Transylvanians and the Erewhonians! Boris not to mention the 59 cruise missiles recently launched.
4) Vlad not get that Syria is for all the rubles. If hegemon conquer Syria it will come at Hezbollah in Lebanon from less-defended, ill-prepared angle. CIA terrorist takfiri army will overrun Hezbollah and wreck Lebanon. Israel will be “forced to defend itself” by annexing the Litani river resource. Palestinians will be more perilous than ever without 150,000 Hez rockets aimed at Israel. World’s “most moral army” might impose “final solution” or another Nakba. Then hegemon will go on to wreck Iran and Motherland and China. Like shark always moving, hegemon must always be killing and conquering, replacing munitions to keep economy going and petrodollar alive.
5) Vlad won’t believe what Chairman Mao knew: America is paper tiger if only stood up to — its people weak, fat, deluded, alienated, not care the least what goes on beyond borders. It hasn’t won a war since World War II and that’s only because we won it for them. As infrastructure, services and living standards crumble — and useless eaters die off from suicide, addiction and despair — America’s unclassconscious millions believe iWorld in their hand is more meaningful than blue/green thingy spinning in space. This isn’t a country that’s going to make any sacrifices or take any casualties for another war for Israel or a Qatari pipeline. So, Vlad, stop worrying and learn to love the Kaliber!
6) Vlad turned his back on Ukraine when it mattered and now it’s run by neo-Nazis — and Motherland gets pilloried and sanctioned by the west anyway. How much better would it have been to put the bear paw down on the Banderites. But, nyet, Vlad just had to see if Nazis would behave like Nazis — and thousands of dead civilians in eastern Ukraine proves formula still correct. Thanks for not playin’, Vlad!
7) Vlad is presented as shirtless tiger-wrestling centaur-riding diabolical former KGB head but as Israel Shamir points out: for most of lifespan, Vlad is procrastinating conciliatory lawyer, eager for the approval of the west and who prefers to do nothing until forced by catastrophic events.
8) One year ago Vlad snatched defeat from the jaws of victory in Syria by pulling out Russian air force just as Aleppo was about to be liberated and Raqqa shortly thereafter. Instead, he let the takfiris regroup, resupply and recover — with TOW anti-tank missiles and surface to air missiles — for another year of carnage. Last year the US had no air base in Syria and no troops. Now there’s hundreds of US military personnel in Syria and the US has its own air base in northeastern Syria. Exactly what the American people and Congress put foot down about just two years ago. You don’t matter, Americanskis. How many times must you be told? Last year Vlad had the ability to impose a no-fly zone over Syria but he didn’t do it and now US has put assets into place to carve up Syria. US not leaving Syria any more than it left Afghanistan. Hegemon’s CIA will plant the ISIS scarecrow in every nation on earth and then destroy whatever country “harbors” the scarecrow. Oh, and this just in: Trump is considering plan to send as many as 50,000 US ground troops to Syria, ostensibly to fight ISIS but really to chip away at Syrian government.
9) Turkey shoots down Russian plane and says two words, “We’re sorry,” and Vlad offers pipeline deals and tourist dollars. Vlad warns Erdogan against US-sponsored coup and Turkey repays by invading deep into Syria, erasing borders, loudly and publicly demanding no-fly zones for Russia and more US air strikes against Syrian government. So many levels of chess, comrade! Such friends and “partners” you have in Turkey and Israel!
10) Capitalism means war, always and forever. No world leader, neither Trumpski, Vlad nor Xi, can repeal laws of capitalism. The only reason China and Motherland not at each other’s throats is that hegemon is at everyone’s throat. Forget personalities, look at systems. Forget the puppets of oligarchs — the salvation of the world is with a classconscious worldwide working class. Forget peaceful capitalist dream of “one belt one road” connecting China to Portugal. The ISIS scarecrow will be planted all along that road and it will never be built, all because Russia and China refuse to break the petrodollar with a new world reserve currency and, unlike Iran, won’t treat Great Satan like the enemy it is.
In closing, Americanskis, enjoy Vlad while you can — enjoy his offers of diplomacy, his fatal need to be accepted by Anglo-Zionists, his fondness for the ethnic cleansers of Chosenville, his abhorrence of socialism, his introductory sacrifices to the west of friends and allies (South Ossetia, Libya, Iraq, Hezbollah, the Donbass) until he’s cornered and there’s no choice but to fight. Enjoy all of this and more because there’s probably someone old-style coming up through Russia’s political system who will know the proper way to deal with neocons, Zionists, Ukrainian Nazis and takfiris. Which is to say: mercilessly.
Vlad’s term ends in 2018. Boris ready to come out of deep freeze. Boris 2018! Boris campaign on promise of neocon in every pot!
By the way, Pope has still no divisions. Allah, on other hand, has 99 problems but lack of jihadis ain’t one of them.
Now if you may be excused, Boris and Natasha have unfinished hanky-pank.
