We don’t run corporate ads. We don’t shake our readers down for money every month or every quarter like some other sites out there. We provide our site for free to all, but the bandwidth we pay to do so doesn’t come cheap. A generous donor is matching all donations of $100 or more! So please donate now to double your punch!
Don’t agonize over the creature now president. The impetuosity, bigotry, and misogyny of the man who makes retard jokes is neither new, nor unique. He’s actually quite precedented.
This shit was normalized years ago. The only shocking thing about it is that people are somehow still shocked. Because the president-elect simply unifies under one big toxic tent all the worst component parts of his numerous vulgar hypocrite predecessors.
For a quick pick me up, just pause to consider our nation’s many discredited past generations of white christian landowners. Truman, Johnson, and Nixon always said nigger. JFK’s sexploits so enraged LBJ that he’d bang the table and shout he had more women by accident than Kennedy ever had on purpose. And Johnson shook his dick at people.
Nixon was also an alcoholic, criminal, and likely wife beater. Reagan fell asleep during meetings and would abruptly jerk awake, demanding jellybean bowl refills. And Dubya was a half-sentient ape who could barely read or craft his own sentences.
We’ve now elected a Mad Men/Daddy Warbucks/Simon Legree hybrid. Revealing the good and wholesome archetype of the prototypical American male for the scandalous, sometimes sinister hypocrisy it always has been. Perpetuating the disgraceful worst of what yesterday has to offer.
Hypocrites of historic proportions
Onstage, they are toothy and able family values American dreamers. But off: foulmouthed and immoral sensualists, cynically sneering at the rubes left behind in America’s dying towns. Where the audience slowly eats itself to death via single use, disposable, supersize, all inclusive, red letter life.
Cyber Monday: an exciting opportunity to buy online all the crap one normally would. If these people have nothing better to look forward to, why should the rest of us?
Channeling the combined spirit of yesteryear’s most legendary embarrassments, our new president rolls all the poisonous greatest hits into one. An all-star idiot baby boomer ensemble time-machined here from the 1968 Chicago police department.
So cut your hair, hippies. Everyone else, back to the kitchens, closets, or fields from whence you came. You got another eight years of Reagan and Nixon coming. It’s mourning in America. Eight more years of yesterdays.
Let us never forget who this man really is. A trust funded billionaire and failed businessman turned celebrity reality star. Who used to be in Playboy and on Howard Stern.
He has been married three times. Accused of rape. Always says the worst things he can think of to make the stupidest and meanest among us like him more. Fascistically threatens minorities, journalists, and personal enemies. And makes retard jokes.
All while spraytanned orange with a bird’s nest perched on his head. Living atop a golden tower in the world’s most expensive city. Crossing the world in a goldplated jet. Buoyed by a dangerous, authoritarian cult of personality. And bragging about how boneable his own daughter is.
Godbotherers and gunlovers had 17 candidates this year. But the anti-everything/believe-anything set picked a man whose values are inimical to their own. It all boiled down to just a question of who Merica hated more: him, or Crooked Hillary. And America has always loved to hate the Clintons.
It’s not because Hillary’s a woman
As my young daughter rushed out of the house in tears to her school bus the election morning after, I found myself thinking shameful thoughts. “This is why there’s still not a woman in the White House. You have no control over your emotions, managed your time poorly this morning, and made illogical decisions about which gloves are most appropriate for today’s weather.”
These stereotypes are absurd. Men exhibit the same characteristics, yet women unfairly suffer the indignities of the prejudice. By any measure of character, the man soon to be president is far less stable than his vanquished female foe.
Scant reassurance after this electoral embarrassment, but most voters didn’t check the pussy grabber box because they’re gender biased. Hillary didn’t lose due to little emotional control or volatile unpredictability.
Quite the opposite. Her restraint led critics to call her cold and emotionless. It’s not because she’s a woman; the people who elected Trump will also try to elect Palin in four to eight years.
It’s because she’s a Clinton
She lost because she’s a Clinton. A name that has fouled U.S. gutter politics since internet sleuths first publicly shared a president’s private life. And Ken Starr proved beyond a reasonable doubt that her ithyphallic husband jizzed on his intern’s dress. Back when Bill became the first president to battle sex crime accusations.
Democrats this year had their pick of the litter — Warren, Sanders, Van Jones — to take on a universally disliked celebrity. But instead chose someone everyone can find a reason to dislike even more: a former 60s radical, feminazi, neolibercon interventionist, and Bill Clinton’s wife.
America, you’re fired
Our country has long been a humiliating spectacle manifesting the world’s worst stereotypes about us. But this election proved that the depraved anticulture of at least 60 million meatheads and bimbos does indeed fit neatly into these crude generalizations.
There may be 320 million Americans of all different colors and creeds. But the face no consequences, don’t give a fuck, pussy grabbing, white alpha males and their self-loathing airhead arm candy still predominate. The freedom of speech unabashedly equaling the freedom to be as cruel and willfully ignorant as possible.
Cue dick in world’s face. A la LBJ suddenly turning from Senate bathroom urinals to proudly flourish his at unexpecting, stunned colleagues: “You ever seen anything as big as this?!”
America’s prurient standards were already very low, but our new, accidental president is game to slink ever further beneath them. Nothing is below him and the hooting, hollering, whooping, wailing, howling hillbilly horde that greeted the world the morning after the great upset.
Team USA staggering home on its latest walk of shame.
Dripping with detestable 90s slime, today’s recycled names are oddly the same as yesterday’s: Gingrich, Falwell, Giuliani, Bolton. We’re one Cheney, Rumsfeld, Ashcroft, and Helms away from full discredited zombie apocalypse. Wait, someone did elect a Cheney.
Let’s face it: this man is Merica. All of his most famous, offensive zingers are lines just as easily delivered by embarrassing childhood friends in camos, cutoffs, and Carhartts. Their faces at triumphant results parties were the spitting image of trailer park frat party locker room gangbangs.
“Fuck yeah, we want hookers and blow! You don’t!? What’s wrong with you!? You queer, bro?!” There aren’t enough epithets, exclamation points, or pussies to grab in the world for these excitable neanderthals.
Single party state
The electoral college once again saved the day for them too. First Dubya. Now small hands. This is the second time in the digital generation that the electoral winner received less votes than the popular winner. Nonvoters’ simplistic self-righteousness about votes not counting has been revindicated. And the elector system haunting us from the Holy Roman Empire continues apace.
With dipshits in control of all three branches, the USA is now effectively a single party state. Like Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union, they can suppress the media, target the opposition, or prosecute rivals. Should the urge strike. And depending upon how our notoriously stable new president might feel at any given moment. “If I make this shot, I will close Politico…”
Fuck yeah, we’re great again. Stomping libtards will be like dismantling the communist and socialist parties back in the 20s. Aging whites from New York to California share the same gleeful concept that yesterday’s America was so great it bears repeating. This in the internet age, when anyone who cares to learn our disgraceful history can find out in a few clicks.
All the worst stories about us are true. Middle Americans might not fully understand the depth of our political crimes, but crucially they all understand the name Trump is not associated with them.
Our vile recent legacy of assassinations, lone gunmen, Phoenix and Condor, Nixon, Kissinger, the Secret War, the October Surprise, Iran-Contra, the School of the Americas, arc of instability, and sole indispensable nation arrogantly astride the end of history has nothing to do with this man. Regrettable, because it deprives us of another good reason to hate him.
And slavery, the expulsion and extermination of our natives, eugenics, America First, Jim Crow, and the atomic bombs were all before his time. Like his fans, he missed the chance to live those great moments in American history, but loves them fiercely nonetheless. Make the country what it was when it was only for landowning white men.
His first move: finish off Palestine. Shore up support among disaffected Jews suspicious of his multifarious KKK and Nazi endorsements. Inspiring first thoughts for a president: “Are Jews fools too? Can I transparently manipulate them the same way as braindead gentiles?”
Despite this preposterous Jew lovin’, Transition Manager Alex Jones is already hard at work. Brainstorming with the alt-right in the darkest recesses of the internet about which coverup to expose first: Illuminati? Aliens? Subterranean lizard people?
The rest of the transition team is probably preoccupied with more important questions. Should the president prosecute his defeated opponent? What role will Sarah Palin play? Tune in this January to find out.
Assholes better enjoy it while it lasts, because this is the last gasp of the dying white tribe and first step in their ultimate self-destruction. No one from any other demographic will ever vote for these people again. America will be rainbow brown, and its former owners on the outside looking in.
Scarce consolation, but most people didn’t vote for him anyway. They voted against her. And the glib, educated class she represents. Or as she calls it: “hopeful, inclusive, big-hearted America.”
Open condescension of white christian life ended in disaster for progressives because values voters, like blacks and women, had no alternative. It was an unpopularity contest between two candidates with less than 9% support from party primaries.
Now, a repellent new wave of self-loathing antiamericanism will sweep the nation outside hillbilly jackass churches. As the rest of us strike back at dipshit morons’ insistence that this land is their land, this land ain’t yer land, they got a shotgun, and you don’t got one. If you don’t git off, they’ll blow yer head off, cuz this land is private property.
They are not interested in the world’s tired, hungry, poor, huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Nor the wretched refuse of someone else’s teeming shore. Fuck that. Keep ’em. The land of immigrants is closed.
All the world’s opportunity at our fingertips, everyone wants to come here, and we now greet them wielding lady liberty’s torch like a caveman’s club. We bear no responsibility for creating the rubble heaps of the Muslim world, the narcoslums of the Latin one, nor generating the refugees and migrants fleeing both.
Voters secretly thinking vicious, stupid thoughts like these with no one watching elected a tyrant president. And tell their friends they voted for Hillary. If we voted in rooms full of people, this wouldn’t happen. Being alone in the booth is not a good thing. People do shameful things they regret when they think no one is looking.
In their eagerness and zeal to do away with both the Clinton brand and the establishment, these throwup throwbacks declare they shall singlehandedly destroy the trading blocs and international economic systems that bind the entire planet together. It’s not working for them, so burn it to the ground like a black church in Bama.
Though fear not, our strong institutions will endure. That’s the takeaway from optimists following the man who wears enormous ties’ come from behind, perhaps on her face, pussy grabbin’, Mexican rapists, Muslim killers, anti-everything, believe anything, retard jokes victory.
And despite professing the constitution’s sacrosanctity, they will not hesitate to change it again and quickly if it suits their fiendish ends. Especially not now. With all the machinery of state at their vicious, vengeful fingertips.
With the nation’s attention on the presidency, congress, and supreme court, ultraconservative state legislatures from bumfuck nowhere will amend the constitution at everyone else’s expense.
Nearly two-thirds of these states are dipshit red. Almost enough. Soon, there will be literally nothing stopping them. Certainly not America’s average in every sense of the word congressional elections turnout rate of 40%.
The great extinction event
White people’s parents and grandparents will do everything in their power to roll back as much of sickular, modern America as possible before the great extinction event hits. And the salt of the earth ignominiously move on to their hard-earned, well-deserved graves. With the sweat of their own brow. And by their own bootstraps.
These generations are not interested in leaving the next a better world to inherit. No one will mourn their inevitable passing. To the contrary, it can’t happen soon enough. Ten more years maybe. Even if President Palin were to replace President Trump in some perverse even laster gasp of America’s ruling white trash class, the baby boom will definitely die by 2028.
Ironically thank whatever magical being they doubtless believe in that most of them won’t be able to afford the healthcare they so desperately need once they’ve successfully repealed progress toward its universal affordability.