FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

(Job) Interview With a Vegan

by RANDY SHIELDS

(I can’t believe it. This woman hates me and I hate her — on sight. And I need this job.)

(Why does personnel keep sending me these losers… If I ever get a six-three 220 pound orderly I’ll fall over dead. I want linebackers not place kickers — or cheerleaders.)

(She’s got pig farmer written all over her — from the cold blue eyes and fat face to the disappearing features.)

(Something’s not right about him. He’s dressed nicely… but why is he wearing sneakers to a job interview?)

(She just looked at my  Chuck’s — the shoes of the animal rights movement. I wonder if she noticed the canvas belt…) 

(A canvas belt? There’s no way he was ever in the service. How many more of these apps will I have to go through?)

(She’s definitely wrung the necks of chickens. She reeks of murder. Somewhere, she’s slaughtered the innocent.)

(I wonder if he’s got some Jew in him? He looks like he reads a lot.)

(In karate they teach us so many different ways to kill people. I bet I’ll think of every one of them before this interview is over.)

(He’s polite but… he’s enraging me. Am I transferring something from Jimmy… or from someone else?)

(People murder their bosses but does anyone kill them before they get hired? “Hey, my first job lasted a lifetime — too bad I spent it in Lucasville…”)

(I know where I’ve seen those big brown eyes. He looks like that deer that Jimmy shot last winter. It’s almost lunchtime. Lord, I want some pork.)

(Her son, “Jimmy,” works here too… Christ on a stick, how bad does this git…)

(Wouldn’t it be awful, every time I went to Jimmy’s and saw his deer head, to be reminded of this guy?)

(No blonde bombshell is ever going to fuck me and no one like this is ever going to hire me. Two different worlds. The only thing that’s come out of all this job-hunting is that I’ve memorized my social security number. When will this end… I’ve got to get out of here and find a job I really want.)

(He’s skinny.  He doesn’t look like he could protect himself, much less the patients and nurses. He’d have his work cut out for him with the group on the unit now. Probably wouldn’t make it past the drug test, anyway.)

(What’s she droning on about… piss test… Jesus, who cares… you’re talkin’ to someone who won’t take an aspirin…)

(Where have I hated him before?)

(If I got hired, I wonder if I could get her fired for something? That might be worth it. Could anybody possibly like her?)

(I think I’d like to torture him.)

(No, there’s no way  that I have to work at a place where I’m hated right from the start. There’s no future in that. I’m not that desperate. I swear to God, this is what I’ve been in training for, I’m tired of doing katas with a roomful of nine-year-olds — I’m going to leap over that desk  and do # 3 Eye Gouge right here right now — )

“We would like to offer you a job.”

“Great — I’ll take it.”

“Welcome aboard.”

Randy Shields can be reached at music2hi4thehumanear@gmail.com.

More articles by:

Randy Shields can be reached at music2hi4thehumanear@gmail.com. His writings and art are collected at RandyShields.com.

Weekend Edition
February 16, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Jeffrey St. Clair
American Carnage
Paul Street
Michael Wolff, Class Rule, and the Madness of King Don
Andrew Levine
Had Hillary Won: What Now?
David Rosen
Donald Trump’s Pathetic Sex Life
Susan Roberts
Are Modern Cities Sustainable?
Joyce Nelson
Canada vs. Venezuela: Have the Koch Brothers Captured Canada’s Left?
Geoff Dutton
America Loves Islamic Terrorists (Abroad): ISIS as Proxy US Mercenaries
Mike Whitney
The Obnoxious Pence Shows Why Korea Must End US Occupation
Joseph Natoli
In the Post-Truth Classroom
John Eskow
One More Slaughter, One More Piece of Evidence: Racism is a Terminal Mental Disease
John W. Whitehead
War Spending Will Bankrupt America
Dave Lindorff
Trump’s Latest Insulting Proposal: Converting SNAP into a Canned Goods Distribution Program
Robert Fantina
Guns, Violence and the United States
Robert Hunziker
Global Warming Zaps Oxygen
John Laforge
$1.74 Trillion for H-bomb Profiteers and “Fake” Cleanups
CJ Hopkins
The War on Dissent: the Specter of Divisiveness
Peter A. Coclanis
Chipotle Bell
Anders Sandström – Joona-Hermanni Mäkinen
Ways Forward for the Left
Wilfred Burchett
Vietnam Will Win: Winning Hearts and Minds
Tommy Raskin
Syrian Quicksand
Martha Rosenberg
Big Pharma Still Tries to Push Dangerous Drug Class
Jill Richardson
The Attorney General Thinks Aspirin Helps Severe Pain – He’s Wrong
Mike Miller
Herb March: a Legend Deserved
Ann Garrison
If the Democrats Were Decent
Renee Parsons
The Times, They are a-Changing
Howard Gregory
The Democrats Must Campaign to End Trickle-Down Economics
Sean Keller
Agriculture and Autonomy in the Middle East
Ron Jacobs
Re-Visiting Gonzo
Eileen Appelbaum
Rapid Job Growth, More Education Fail to Translate into Higher Wages for Health Care Workers
Ralph Nader
Shernoff, Bidart, and Echeverria—Wide-Ranging Lawyers for the People
Chris Zinda
The Meaning of Virginia Park
Robert Koehler
War and Poverty: A Compromise with Hell
Mike Bader – Mike Garrity
Senator Tester Must Stop Playing Politics With Public Lands
Kenneth Culton
No Time for Olympic Inspired Nationalism
Graham Peebles
Ethiopia: Final Days of the Regime
Irene Tung – Teófilo Reyes
Tips are for Servers Not CEOs
Randy Shields
Yahoomans in Paradise – This is L.A. to Me
Thomas Knapp
No Huawei! US Spy Chiefs Reverse Course on Phone Spying
Mel Gurtov
Was There Really a Breakthrough in US-North Korea Relations?
David Swanson
Witness Out of Palestine
Binoy Kampmark
George Brandis, the Rule of Law and Populism
Dean Baker
The Washington Post’s Long-Running Attack on Unions
Andrew Stewart
Providence Public School Teachers Fight Back at City Hall
Stephen Cooper
Majestic Meditations with Jesse Royal: the Interview
David Yearsley
Olympic Music
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail