Advising the Biden Advisors…and Debating Cornel West

My core political belief is that we are governed by gesturing cadavers immune to any concept of human progress. And no matter which gradation of their moral depravity triumphs, all the cadavers will be just fine as they continue to gnaw the guts from the powerless while belching idle words toward ever more uninhabitable horizons.

Some find that cynical.

I believe EVERYONE is racist, sexist, and religiously bigoted. And most white people (the only race on which I’m remotely qualified to generalize) seek to eat and drink and speak and laugh and screw without being made to feel as though they were Adolf and Eva overseeing a plantation of illegally detained pre-school transsexuals.

Some find that asleep.

I believe class matters above all, and many non-rich people take pleasure in hate because loathing and a lottery ticket are often the only means of getting through the day with a semblance of hope.

I myself loathe at will, seeking neither to understand nor be understood. It’s an invigorating free-range style of loathing which wanders across and beyond Donald Trump, the Pentagon, the Freedom and Congressional Black Cauci, Wall Street, Benjamin Netanyahu, whoever came up with BUY 2 GET 1 FREE, those who discern a difference between FOX NEWS and MSNBC, sodium, Clap-Your-Hands-Like-Smug-Douchebags-While-The-Car- Drives-Itself commercials, The Boston Celtics, the sound of Neera Tanden’s voice, the sight of Lindsey Graham’s face, everyone who has their lawn serviced or believes God wrote a book, and Patton Oswalt.

Some find that privileged.

By current societal standards I identify as an ass. In fact most casual observers and a not inconsiderable percentage of my friends would identify me as an ass too.

Fortunately my genetic code has sequenced me with an almost total indifference to the certainties of others. Don’t get me wrong. Like any functioning adult I am capable of insincere conversation yet, on the whole, I’d rather not have to appear to care about Identity Politics and comfort zones and empowering anyone’s truth.

But regardless, and with apologies for the Rachel Maddowesque journey to my point, I believe I can offer serviceable advice to Biden’s advisors on making Democratic voters less despondent. And more importantly, who to blame if the voters stay home.

I’m not talking about courting my vote. That would require droning Joe Manchin’s yacht and publicly beheading Chris Coons. I’m talking about empty gestures designed to expand the party’s base of motivated voters beyond lobbyists, different lobbyists, former members of congress turned lobbyists, and that BlueNoMatterWho ethically non monogamous couple in suburban Tucson vowing to intermittently fast until Liz Cheney’s “Oath and Honor” is published in November.

Let’s face facts. While Rob Reiner will flounce down the middle of Sunset Boulevard on his way to the polls like Robert Preston in The Music Man, the average progressive Democrat’s journey is more apt to resemble a community theater production of The Stations of the Cross.

So for starters, while it’s savvy to have an inarticulate candidate when your party has nothing to articulate, realize that the election is 16 months away and Joe Biden is currently at the apex of his communicative powers.

Biden’s oratory has always possessed the clarity of Professor Irwin Corey on acid, so why not fully embrace the gibberish!? Dress him in a funky suit and bowler hat and let him be Lawrence Ferlinghetti! Let him meander across campaign stages alternately shouting and whispering stream of consciousness musings on “my word as a Biden” and “no joke”! He might even say something zany about cluster bombs!

Secondly, add some issues onto the ballot next to “Democracy”. They can be anything at all and you don’t have to mean them. It just has to sound responsibly adult enough so no one notices “Democracy” doesn’t stand for single payer or paid leave or anything that will positively impact anyone’s life. Maybe America’s right to inflict a sensible amount of global death while being open to monetizing marginally fewer aspects of the human condition blah blah blah? This way, if fighting Fascism by unquestioningly voting for Biden has the same result as fighting Nazism by unquestioningly voting for Von Hindenburg you won’t endanger your branding fees for the ‘26 midterms.

Luckily there is absolutely nothing in the public record of  Charles Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries to indicate that Vichy-style governance would be too arduous for either to endure.

But above all BLAME THE LEFT! Remind everyone that everything has always been their fault since 2016 when they had the audacity to point out that a Hillary Clinton presidency would be exactly like that of LBJ’s…except domestically.

And remember, as a Democratic Party operative what you require more than anything are unassessably vague policy positions as tangible as the shadows in Plato’s cave! So, if worse comes to worst, you will have no choice but to let Joe debate Cornel West!

Yes I know. Biden will probably refer to him as “Colonel Westbrook” and tear up over his Strom Thurmond eulogy or how his dad always told him “Joey don’t let those predators hit your mom on the head with a lead pipe”, but it’s never good politics to let a decent man say sane things without pushback.

Besides, the media will shiv West like they did Bernie and then Jim Clyburn will deliver South Carolina (*primary only) and before you know it you’ll have the binary choice you want! A multi-billion dollar contest between a party that stands for the powerful and the connected and the greedy and the dishonest and the vile. And one that stands for the powerful and the connected and the greedy and the dishonest and the vile and transgender bathrooms.

So buck up! You helped bring a million corpses to Iraq and a million home foreclosures to working people. In a nightmare scenario you’d flourish under a Tom Cotton/Martin Bormann administration!

And if all else fails, blame me. I’m an ass.

Jerry Long is a writer, actor, podcaster and political satirist who, with his brother Joe, has worked with Adam McKay on numerous projects. He can also be reached at