Trump Isn’t the Worst President, But He is the Most American

Donald Trump is the worst president in American History! That seems to be the downright unanimous opinion of every left wing wonk from here to Noam Chomsky, and I might have a bit more respect for the view if these throngs of progressive intellectuals weren’t so goddamn smug about it. After all I’ve never been particularly tame in my criticisms of the son of a bitch myself. His penchant for pure evil is pretty well documented. Any human being who fucks with children the way he has at the borders deserves things I can’t publicly advocate without being shipped off to Gitmo. As if that weren’t enough, his role in the ongoing genocide in Yemen, the ethnic cleansing in the West Bank, and the downright apocalyptic baiting of Iran and China should make it crystal clear to anyone with half a working soul that Donald Trump is a world class bastard in the first degree. But the worst president in American history? I don’t know, the Donald has some pretty stiff competition there.

First of all, we have to seriously ask ourselves what makes an American president the worst? Are we talking about intent or results? If worst is simply another word for failure than Trump leads the pack by a mile. But what does it really mean to fail when the job is essentially running the most violently despotic empire in human history? It’s a bit like asking who’s the worst Mafia don in Little Italy. If morality has anything to say about it then I would make the argument that the worst is the best. The most successful presidents are men who have done the most catastrophic damage at home and abroad and have completely gotten away with it with their reputations and the reputation of the evil empire they rep perfectly in tact. If this is the test, Donald flunks with flying colors. The man has been an absolute human tire fire, making an ass of himself on a daily basis and dragging the totally undeserved good name of the nation for which he stands down with him. Good. The world has lost respect for America on the world stage? Fucking great! They never should have respected this prolapsing anus of a genocide factory to begin with. In fact, allow me to be the first commie faggot to say, thank you Donald Trump, for setting the record straight, you psychotic race-bating imbecile. I really don’t know what else to say. Karma couldn’t do a better job.

Then who is the worst president in American history, you ask? It’s kind of a trivial question, but I’m a petty bitch with way too much goddamn time on my hands thanks to Trump facilitated COVID hysteria, so fuck it, I’ll go there. Why not? But you’re probably not gonna like what you asked for. In my book, the title for worst, at least in modern history, goes to a three way tie between the widely celebrated progressive presidencies of Woodrow Wilson, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Harry Truman, for the very simple fact that no other three presidents did more to establish America as a successfully violent modern day Rome abroad and a carefully centralized executive dictatorship at home. That was the real point of both World Wars and all the millions of bodies they claimed. It didn’t have a goddamn thing to do with mom, apple pie, or fighting them over there so we didn’t have to fight them over here. It was about preparing our plucky little ex-slave colony to take the place of the British on the world stage and the results extend well beyond the blast radius of Hiroshima. They include Korea, Vietnam, and Iraq.

I would also argue that a close second place tie actually goes to Trump’s three slovenly vaunted predecessors, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and yes, the left’s beloved Barack Obama. These are the administrations, more than any others, who have gone to the most hysterically despotic and hyper-violent lengths to preserve Wilson, Roosevelt, and Truman’s blood speckled American Century well after it has become abundantly clear that the party is over and keeping it going means a global Jonestown scenario. There is no resuscitating an empire in the throws of stage four decline. Any attempt to do so is beyond suicidal, it’s downright genocidal. Another word for this self-destructive form of geostrategic denial is fascism.

With America’s pristine veneer of liberal democracy in a heap, Clinton, Bush, and Obama spent three successive administrations in total harmony creating a high tech dystopian global police state complete with shadow courts, armed drones, supermax prisons, and Patriot Acts galore. Every evil deed the Donald has actually shown a modicum of success with achieving was a gift from one or more of these three giants among bastards. Clinton turned the feds into an army, Bush invaded the Middle East, and Obama, the great progressive hope the left still seems to be so hopelessly in love with, built those fucking camps where Trump shipped the migrant children, began America’s sponsorship for that damn genocide in Yemen, and provided that syphilitic orange man-child with a fleet of manhunting armed drones to stalk black lives with. These are great presidents, and that’s precisely why they are the worst.

Lets face it children, the last three bastards made this orange bastard possible, and what has every leftist’s least favorite president done with this bounty of lethal gifts? He’s fucked it up. He’s fucked everything up. He’s failed to start a single war and he’s tied most of the existing ones into knots with his completely incoherent foreign policy. He’s reeked havoc at home, but it’s not like he’s even come close to getting away with it. Obama deported more Mexicans than Trump probably ever will and he won a fucking Nobel Peace Prize. Rolling Stone has given the psychopath his own nostalgia drenched collectors issue like Paul damn McCartney. Meanwhile, Donald Trump has made the American Empire a laughing stock with his buffoonery and this is the guy who makes Noam Chomsky and Medea Benjamin desperate enough to endorse a century old white supremacist to defeat him? Apparently Biden isn’t the only one who’s gone and lost his damn mind over the last four years.

Donald Trump is not the worst president in American history. He’s just not. That presumptuous notion is just categorically and empirically untrue and I don’t give a fuck how unpopular it makes me to say so out loud. What Donald Trump is is the most American president in American history. Think about it, he’s the perfect fiendishly decrepit mascot for an empire in free fall. A fat, greedy, pussy grabbing, Big Mac gobbling, corporate welfare cashing, old shyster on his last grift. A flatulent, race-baiting, social media trolling, double-dealing, megalomaniac who thinks he’s never looked sexier sprayed Dorito orange and loudly shitting himself on live television. Donald Trump is America. He’s Uncle Sam without the airbrushing, and that is precisely why the most evil people in this country, from Barack Obama to Dick Cheney, despise the motherfucker as much as we do, if not more so, because he is them. He’s them without the charming mask of imperial sanity to hide behind. He’s Wilson in a Klan hood. He’s Truman giggling like a schoolgirl over Nagasaki. He’s Bill without the saxophone and Obama without the charming diction. Donald Trump is America’s mirror, look upon ye mighty and despair.

The most tragically hilarious thing about the American left’s imperial anti-Trump hysteria is that it’s the byproduct of the very lesser evil mental illness that the Donald thrives on. Responsible American propagandists have been shoving the sick delusion down our throats for generations that the patriotic thing to do is not just to vote but vote for one of two pre-approved, corporate sponsored, oligarchs in our two party duopoly. They don’t even try to deny the fact that both choices are downright evil anymore. Of coarse they are! Democracy, they tell us condescendingly, is picking the least destructive psychopath, and that is precisely what America did in 2016. When the Rust Belt was given the option between a clearly incompetent psychopath who pissed off all the right people for all the wrong reasons, and a smashingly successful psychopath who spent the last two decades complicit in shipping their jobs to Mexico and their children to Iraq, these good old boys did exactly what they were instructed to do. They picked a man too goddamn stupid to be as evil as another fucking Clinton.

And here we are now in 2020, and even the anarchists are telling us to suck it up and save America from despair by giving it a slightly more respectable psychopath to steer it around the icebergs. To this my only response is to ask why I should do anything to keep this juggernaut from sinking? You want me to pick a lesser evil? Well, which one even is the lesser evil here? I honestly can’t even fucking tell anymore. I vote for which ever candidate on the ballot opposes the empire the lesser evils turned this country into, and that ain’t Donald Trump or Joe Biden, so y’all can just kiss my irresponsible anarchist ass goodnight. Peg me a dreamer, dearest motherfuckers, but I’d rather be a bad American with a clean conscience than a morally feckless dupe any day of the week. Enjoy your scumbag pageant. I’m opting out.

Nicky Reid is an agoraphobic anarcho-genderqueer gonzo blogger from Central Pennsylvania and assistant editor for Attack the System. You can find her online at Exile in Happy Valley.