Click amount to donate direct to CounterPunch
  • $25
  • $50
  • $100
  • $500
  • $other
  • use PayPal
We don’t run corporate ads. We don’t shake our readers down for money every month or every quarter like some other sites out there. We provide our site for free to all, but the bandwidth we pay to do so doesn’t come cheap. A generous donor is matching all donations of $100 or more! So please donate now to double your punch!

Why France?

“Why France?” is the question civilized white people are asking. “How could anyone (except perhaps the Germans, English and, occasionally, the Americans) harbor so much hatred for a race of secular humanists and cynics who have hung more pictures on more walls than other nation in history?

The problem dates back to Paleolithic times, when the original inhabitants of France grew envious of the quality of the cave wall pictures that abounded in Asia and Africa. Artful depictions of hands and bison in foreign lands so incensed the French, they became ridiculous and difficult to deal with, traits which have endured and which the French have carefully refined into “culture,” as illustrated in the wildly popular and influential Paris art magazine Charlie Hebdo.

Much like the post-modern crayon drawings in Charlie Hebdo, ancient art critics were uncertain what purpose the French cave wall paintings served. But the French were unfazed, and in their fanatical pursuit of culture and shiny objects in foreign lands, they began stealing food recipes from their Italian neighbors to the south and east. To conceal the derivative nature of what they rebranded as “cuisine,” the French smothered Italian dishes in rich buttery sauces and flakey pastry.

The Italians were furious.  Julius Caesar retaliated, conquering France and famously declaring: “All of Gaul is divided into three types, of whom there are the fakes, the frauds, and the thieves!”

As the Roman Empire adopted Christianity and thus devolved into the Dark Ages and warring city states, the Germans invaded France and installed a leader named Clovis, whom the French quickly rebranded as Louis. King Louis was naturalized and smothered in perfume, and thus the French language and liberal immigration policies were born.

The centuries passed, as did kings named Louis, until the French created revolution. Freedom, equality and liberty flourished for a year or two, until the nobility, financed by the capitalists, staged the counter-revolution; “shortly” thereafter, Napoleon introduced the world to colonialism and military haute couture (especially the big funny hats the French adore).

Soon the French were sharing their big hat culture and cuisine with the rest of the world. The Algerians and Moroccans, and much of the West Coast of Africa, exchanged precious metals for snails smothered in garlic and butter. Cambodians and Canadians traded forests for pastis and onion soup, respectively, while the Egyptians and Lebanese built profitable brothels and casinos to service their new, lascivious masters.

Initially the English responded with cold determination against the encroachments of perverted French culture. The English in particular resented the ability of the French to babble incoherently and provocatively, using tantalizing Latin terms like fellatio and cunnilingus.

Later the Germans grew hostile as well, leading to the First and Second Word Wars, when the French rediscovered their Arian roots and affinity for fascism. “Vichyssoise,” the French proclaimed after the wars, as they launched counter-revolutions to maintain their crumbling colonial empire.

But the uncouth Americans, with their free-wheeling capitalism disguised as post-colonialism, had taken over. Boycotts of French wines and the rebranding of French fries as “freedom fries” were the final, unforgiveable insult.

As history shows, the French have always been prone to resentments and over-reaching. Ridiculous and difficult to deal with, their culture derivative, their men too short, their women too swarthy, they have finally, inevitably been reduced to exalting juvenile cartoons that insult billions of people they consider their inferiors.

And that is why France.

Douglas Valentine is the author of The Strength of the Wolf: The Secret History of America’s War on Drugs, and The Strength of the Pack: The Personalities, Politics, and Espionage Intrigues that Shaped the DEA.

More articles by:
Weekend Edition
October 19, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Jason Hirthler
The Pieties of the Liberal Class
Jeffrey St. Clair
A Day in My Life at CounterPunch
Paul Street
“Male Energy,” Authoritarian Whiteness and Creeping Fascism in the Age of Trump
Nick Pemberton
Reflections on Chomsky’s Voting Strategy: Why The Democratic Party Can’t Be Saved
John Davis
The Last History of the United States
Yigal Bronner
The Road to Khan al-Akhmar
Robert Hunziker
The Negan Syndrome
Andrew Levine
Democrats Ahead: Progressives Beware
Rannie Amiri
There is No “Proxy War” in Yemen
David Rosen
America’s Lost Souls: the 21st Century Lumpen-Proletariat?
Joseph Natoli
The Age of Misrepresentations
Ron Jacobs
History Is Not Kind
John Laforge
White House Radiation: Weakened Regulations Would Save Industry Billions
Ramzy Baroud
The UN ‘Sheriff’: Nikki Haley Elevated Israel, Damaged US Standing
Robert Fantina
Trump, Human Rights and the Middle East
Anthony Pahnke – Jim Goodman
NAFTA 2.0 Will Help Corporations More Than Farmers
Jill Richardson
Identity Crisis: Elizabeth Warren’s Claims Cherokee Heritage
Sam Husseini
The Most Strategic Midterm Race: Elder Challenges Hoyer
Maria Foscarinis – John Tharp
The Criminalization of Homelessness
Robert Fisk
The Story of the Armenian Legion: a Dark Tale of Anger and Revenge
Jacques R. Pauwels
Dinner With Marx in the House of the Swan
Dave Lindorff
US ‘Outrage’ over Slaying of US Residents Depends on the Nation Responsible
Ricardo Vaz
How Many Yemenis is a DC Pundit Worth?
Elliot Sperber
Build More Gardens, Phase out Cars
Chris Gilbert
In the Wake of Nepal’s Incomplete Revolution: Dispatch by a Far-Flung Bolivarian 
Muhammad Othman
Let Us Bray
Gerry Brown
Are Chinese Municipal $6 Trillion (40 Trillion Yuan) Hidden Debts Posing Titanic Risks?
Rev. William Alberts
Judge Kavanaugh’s Defenders Doth Protest Too Much
Ralph Nader
Unmasking Phony Values Campaigns by the Corporatists
Victor Grossman
A Big Rally and a Bavarian Vote
James Bovard
Groped at the Airport: Congress Must End TSA’s Sexual Assaults on Women
Jeff Roby
Florida After Hurricane Michael: the Sad State of the Unheeded Planner
Wim Laven
Intentional or Incompetence—Voter Suppression Where We Live
Bradley Kaye
The Policy of Policing
Wim Laven
The Catholic Church Fails Sexual Abuse Victims
Kevin Cashman
One Year After Hurricane Maria: Employment in Puerto Rico is Down by 26,000
Dr. Hakim Young
Nonviolent Afghans Bring a Breath of Fresh Air
Karl Grossman
Irving Like vs. Big Nuke
Dan Corjescu
The New Politics of Climate Change
John Carter
The Plight of the Pyrenees: the Abandoned Guard Dogs of the West
Ted Rall
Brett Kavanaugh and the Politics of Emotion-Shaming
Graham Peebles
Sharing is Key to a New Economic and Democratic Order
Ed Rampell
The Advocates
Louis Proyect
The Education Business
David Yearsley
Shock-and-Awe Inside Oracle Arena