Why France?

“Why France?” is the question civilized white people are asking. “How could anyone (except perhaps the Germans, English and, occasionally, the Americans) harbor so much hatred for a race of secular humanists and cynics who have hung more pictures on more walls than other nation in history?

The problem dates back to Paleolithic times, when the original inhabitants of France grew envious of the quality of the cave wall pictures that abounded in Asia and Africa. Artful depictions of hands and bison in foreign lands so incensed the French, they became ridiculous and difficult to deal with, traits which have endured and which the French have carefully refined into “culture,” as illustrated in the wildly popular and influential Paris art magazine Charlie Hebdo.

Much like the post-modern crayon drawings in Charlie Hebdo, ancient art critics were uncertain what purpose the French cave wall paintings served. But the French were unfazed, and in their fanatical pursuit of culture and shiny objects in foreign lands, they began stealing food recipes from their Italian neighbors to the south and east. To conceal the derivative nature of what they rebranded as “cuisine,” the French smothered Italian dishes in rich buttery sauces and flakey pastry.

The Italians were furious.  Julius Caesar retaliated, conquering France and famously declaring: “All of Gaul is divided into three types, of whom there are the fakes, the frauds, and the thieves!”

As the Roman Empire adopted Christianity and thus devolved into the Dark Ages and warring city states, the Germans invaded France and installed a leader named Clovis, whom the French quickly rebranded as Louis. King Louis was naturalized and smothered in perfume, and thus the French language and liberal immigration policies were born.

The centuries passed, as did kings named Louis, until the French created revolution. Freedom, equality and liberty flourished for a year or two, until the nobility, financed by the capitalists, staged the counter-revolution; “shortly” thereafter, Napoleon introduced the world to colonialism and military haute couture (especially the big funny hats the French adore).

Soon the French were sharing their big hat culture and cuisine with the rest of the world. The Algerians and Moroccans, and much of the West Coast of Africa, exchanged precious metals for snails smothered in garlic and butter. Cambodians and Canadians traded forests for pastis and onion soup, respectively, while the Egyptians and Lebanese built profitable brothels and casinos to service their new, lascivious masters.

Initially the English responded with cold determination against the encroachments of perverted French culture. The English in particular resented the ability of the French to babble incoherently and provocatively, using tantalizing Latin terms like fellatio and cunnilingus.

Later the Germans grew hostile as well, leading to the First and Second Word Wars, when the French rediscovered their Arian roots and affinity for fascism. “Vichyssoise,” the French proclaimed after the wars, as they launched counter-revolutions to maintain their crumbling colonial empire.

But the uncouth Americans, with their free-wheeling capitalism disguised as post-colonialism, had taken over. Boycotts of French wines and the rebranding of French fries as “freedom fries” were the final, unforgiveable insult.

As history shows, the French have always been prone to resentments and over-reaching. Ridiculous and difficult to deal with, their culture derivative, their men too short, their women too swarthy, they have finally, inevitably been reduced to exalting juvenile cartoons that insult billions of people they consider their inferiors.

And that is why France.

Douglas Valentine is the author of The Strength of the Wolf: The Secret History of America’s War on Drugs, and The Strength of the Pack: The Personalities, Politics, and Espionage Intrigues that Shaped the DEA.

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