Sex, Lies and WMDs

Perma-war pops as the dollar drops. Our leaders lie as people die. Of course, there are lies, and then there are lies. Four years ago, a President of the United States was impeached because he lied about details of his sex life. His enemies insisted: It’s not the sex that’s the impeachable offense– although they couldn’t stop talking about the sex–it’s the lying! Though nobody died for those lies.

Now the mob that practically lynched President Clinton is running the country, with the major media as their handmaiden. And their President who would be King, George II, has been caught in a lie so big, Joseph Goebbels must be tipping his peaked cap in admiration from his grave.

Little Dubya told a lie, not about sex (unless he really does strap on a missile slathered with Crisco between his legs before mounting one of his beloved ranch animals). No, the Great Pretzel Swallower didn’t lie about sex, but about the basis for war. So far, this particular war has killed untold thousands of soldiers and civilians, including hundreds of Americans, as well as more than a few British blokes, cost us billions of dollars in the midst of the worst deficit in U.S. history, gotten our leaders charged with war crimes by a Belgian court, served as an Al Qaeda recruiting symbol beyond Osama’s wildest dreams, and shows no signs of being over, despite Top Gun Georgy’s costume-drama proclamation of the end of major fighting on board the U.S.S. Lincoln. Moreover, Gulf War II is but one part of the Perma-War condition into which the lies of the Bushites have submerged America.

So, which lie should be an impeachable offense? A personal fib to cover-up a blow-job, or an elaborately orchestrated web of deceit, forgery and Big Internationally Broadcast Whoppers about Vast Stores of End-Times Armaments, for the clear purpose of terrorizing Americans into supporting war, even when all the evidence showed us that Saddam, Evil-Doer that he was, hadn’t developed any major weapons since the Gulf War I.

So what if Saddam acted like he had something to hide? A lot of men do. Like I explained, almost a year ago in these pages, “Saddamis the kind of guy who brags he’s got nine inches, then won’t let you unzip his pants for fear you’ll laugh at his actual four and a half (and he’d have to kill you for that).”

So, now we all know Saddam is just that type of guy, and we can all see clear-as-a-day-without-bombs that our President and his henchmen lied to us. So which lie is worse-Clinton’s or Bush’s? The sexual sin or the war crime? The blow-job cover-up or the ruse for the rape of Iraq?

Obviously, covering up a blow-job is worse, according to Congress (also according to the TV pundits who are still after the Clintons, as evidenced by their enraged reaction to the blockbuster sales of Hillary’s memoir “Living History”). And oh, those awful semen stains! Much, much worse than the bloodstains across the ancient land of Mesopotamia, laid waste upon a Pack of Lies.

Hey now, there’s a pack of playing cards I’d like to see! Each card could have a different WMD that the Bushites lied about. The Ace of Hearts could be the 500 tons of sarin, mustard gas and VX nerve agent. The Queen of Diamonds could be the 25,000 liters of anthrax. The Jack of Clubs would be the 38,000 liters of botulinum toxin. The King of Spades would be the 500 tons of “yellowcake” uranium from Niger. And so on.

According to Dubya’s State of the Union Address, Saddam had enough weapons to blow us to the moon within 45 minutes. A lie like this shouldn’t even be protected by the First Amendment; it is the national equivalent of yelling “Fire!” in a crowded theater. Sure, many of us knew the Shrub was full of it. But some of us believed him (just like some of us believed that Billy Jeff “never had sexual relations with that woman”), and on the basis of that belief, we heaved ourselves and our loved ones into this major war that is just beginning, even as the scope of the lie comes clear.

For months, our troops have been bravely searching for these tons upon tons of horrible stuff from FrankenSaddam’s evil laboratory (and the search, along with the war, continues), and all to no avail. They can’t even find enough poison in those two Winnebagos to kill a rat. At this point, if anyone comes up with anything (a vat of lye? a really big can of Raid?), everyone will wonder if it’s a plant.

So, caught in a lie, what does our leader do? Remember what Clinton did? He came clean–cleaner than any other American president has had to come about his sex life. He was a man, a sexual man, and he apologized for his indiscretion and took his punishment, insanely overblown as it was.

And what does Bush do? He blames the CIA.

Of course, Clinton couldn’t blame the CIA. Ever since the Puritans invaded this land, Americans have been sticklers for making us all “take responsibility” for sex. Too bad we aren’t so hypercritical of our leaders when it comes to war.

On a positive notethough we can’t find Weapons of Mass Destruction, we do have some nifty Weapons of Ass Destruction (state-of-the-art strap-on butt-busters that take “blowing you to the moon” to new dimensions). Bush may want to try switching focus from WMD to WAD, of which he’s sure to find plenty, though he may have to share them with his “inclusive” buddy Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) who, judging from his commentary on “man-on-manman-on-dog” sex, would know exactly how to use weapons like these.

Dr. SUSAN BLOCK is a sex educator, host of The Dr. SUSAN BLOCK Show and author of The 10 Commandments of Pleasure. Visit her website at

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Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For information and speaking engagements, call 626-461-5950. Email her at