Wake up Stupid! Biden Wants War with Iran Too

Image by Maria Oswalt.

Is it just me or does the JCPOA seem to be cursed? Everybody who isn’t Trump or Israel seems to agree that the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action known colloquially as the Iran Nuclear Deal was working smashingly before it was unilaterally violated by the prior on behalf of the latter. Every other signatory of that deal and the International Atomic Energy Agency who oversaw it are all in total agreement that Iran was in compliance with what amounted to the most obnoxiously intrusive nuclear inspections regime devised by man or beast, all levied against a nation that even Israeli intelligence admits never appears to have even had a nuclear weapons program to begin with. Joe Biden ran for president and won on a promise to revive the deal and the Mullahs have steadfastly offered to comply as soon as the crippling Trump regime sanctions are lifted. And yet, here we are now, over a fucking year after Biden entered the Oval Office and somehow, we seem farther from the JCPOA than ever before.

Talks have been dragging on for months and leading nowhere. Iran’s demands are simple and remain virtually the same since day one, save for a few concessions that they’ve made to the Biden Administration; knock it off with the fucking sanctions that crazed orange orangutan gagged us with and we’ll offer you back our nuclear program on the same silver platter we awarded to Obama back in 2015. But somehow this simple message is two fucking complicated for Biden’s people, who let’s not forget are essentially just Obama’s people in new ties. America won’t even meet with Iran directly. We send them coded messages in a bottle through EU intermediaries at drop sites in Doha or Vienna and they fucking put up with it! Yet somehow, the simplest snafu to undue in imperial history continues to be derailed by a never-ending procession of tripwires and landmines.

Iran offers to return to the JCPOA, and Biden demands they make concessions to the maximum pressure ransom note of the same ginger asshole who continues to insist Joe stole the fucking election. Iran offers to return to the JCPOA, and their scientists are assassinated in broad daylight by hired guns who do everything but wave an Israeli flag over their bodies after dropping the gat to announce who sent them. Iran offers to return to the goddamn JCPOA, and America hijacks their oil tankers on the high seas like Blackbeard with battleships. Iran finally caves to the crazy concessions Trump made and Biden demands, and talks are put on hold. Iran finally loses their shit with these honky whack jobs and raises their plutonium enrichment to well beneath the threshold necessary for nuclear weapons to even be an option and suddenly they’re the crazy brown rogue state swinging a saber at the wilting Western World.

This is fucking lunacy and I’m getting sick and tired of people making fucking excuses for Biden’s fucking excuses. “Oh, Biden is in a really precarious position because if he rolls back Trump’s sanctions he’ll be tarred as an appeaser and midterm elections and rable, rable, rable!…” Bullshit. The Republicans are already calling Biden an appeaser for not acting even crazier than Trump did. Biden could drop a fucking A-bomb on Tehran tomorrow and Fox News would call him a pussy while Israel sulks in the corner for not making it a hydrogen one. No more fucking excuses. Everybody without Bibi’s circumcised cock in their ass knows that pulling out of the JCPOA was stupid. So why not just return to the damn thing already?

At a certain point the only answer left to this question is because Biden wants a war with Iran every bit as much as the Republicans do and as far as I’m concerned, any doubts to that answer’s validity died as the tires of Air Force One hit the tarmac in Tel Aviv during the dog days of mid-July. Before he even left his Delaware bunker for his sojourn to the Holy Land, President Biden afforded a rare one-on-one interview with Israel’s state television Channel 12 which aired the day of his arrival. In this interview, while paying lip service to the JCPOA, Biden promised to use military force against Iran if it failed. He reiterated this barely veiled threat in Israel by signing a joint declaration with Prime Minister Yair Lapid, promising to use all of our empire’s “national power” to prevent Iran from acquiring weapons we seem to be daring them to acquire, and this madness only metastasized in the House of Saud.

While the rabid hounds of war in the press yipped on about oil prices and Jamal Khashoggi, the Biden Administration made no secret about the true motives behind their visit with Mohamed bin Salman. Before Biden jammed his tongue deep into that swarthy young sociopath’s indubitably well-manicured asshole, he used it to tell the few spin masters who’d listen that the real goal of his prostration was to beef up Trump’s Abraham Accords and build a Wahhabi-Zionist alliance between Israel and Saudi Arabia against Iran.

The Biden Administration has painted the message in bright bold letters, in every conceivable language including Klingon, and Americans in both parties still can’t seem to read it. WAKE UP STUPID! WE WANT WAR WITH IRAN! Both parties do and regardless of which feckless twat the few hardworking Americans still dumb enough to vote shove into the White House, unless their name is Omar or Paul, they’re going to deliver this coded promise in 2024. The only question now, aside from which Beltway intersection antiwar activists should jam with our broken bodies first, is why? Why Iran and why now?

On paper, Iran seems like the most obvious choice for a Western ally in the Middle East. Compared to the psychotic sheiks in the Gulf who we arm to the fangs, Iran is actually a relatively moderate and stable theocratic republic, founded on the bedrock of a popular revolution. Despite the virtue signaling of the ancient Mullahs, they have a young and socially tolerant population. Women and Jews can vote. Transwomen can medically transition (in near record numbers). They even have a vibrant and avante garde film industry that rivals many European countries on the festival circuit.

And in spite of our many differences, even the hard asses in Iran’s military elite have repeatedly gone out of their way to accommodate the Great Satan in their neighborhood. They have actively aided and abetted the US in many of our quixotic military adventures in the Middle East, from savaging the Baathists in Baghdad to overthrowing the Taliban in Kabul and reigning in the Islamic State. Even Iran’s preferred “terrorists” like Hezbollah and the Houthi rebels amount to little more than indigenous ragtag militias set up to protect vulnerable Shia populations from the same people who threw commercial airliners into the World Trade Center. Despite what you’ve been told by the Zionist smear campaign, Iran is probably the closest thing to a functioning democracy without an apartheid state in the Middle East and sadly, that’s actually the real problem here.

America doesn’t want democracy in the Middle East. If we did, we wouldn’t have spent the last cold war overthrowing the only ones that ever even existed there. Go ask Mossadegh’s gravestone, Iran knows all about this history. America doesn’t even want stability in the Middle East. That flaming sandbox is a permanently fucked basket case of failed states and forever wars because we made it that way. America made the sheiks. It was our oil companies that picked out the meanest tribes in the Gulf and built them palaces and skyscrapers in return for unfettered access to the oil that flows beneath them. America made the terrorists. We secretly funded every head-chopping psychopath from the Mujahedeen to the Islamic State to murder any Shiite or communist crazy enough to avoid entanglement in our infidel pissing match with Moscow.

The sick truth is that the Middle East is a fucked-up place because America likes it that way and ever since they overthrew our bloody little tool, the Shah, Iran has been a consistently annoying obstacle to burning that section of the world off the map. America doesn’t want an independent neutral government as willing to work with Russia or China as they are with us. America doesn’t want a functioning nation of well-adjusted brown people with some assemblance of agency. That kumbaya hippie bullshit just isn’t the American way and I’ll tell you one more sick truth if you’re still willing to hear it. Obama’s JCPOA was a part of this colonialist tradition and those suckers in Iran fell for it.

The JCPOA wasn’t designed for world peace. It was designed to keep Iran under our thumb by giving Western imperialists full access to their supple young economy and absolute control over their formidable military. There was never a nuclear threat. Even those Shaw-shagging Mossadegh-flippers in the CIA admit this. The Ayatollah Khomeini declared nuclear weapons to be an affront to Allah and even went so far as to issue a fatwa against their manufacture. Yet Obama himself kept up Dubya’s threats to make Iran the next Iraq with brutal sanctions until that besieged nation finally submitted to the shackles of his “peace” deal. Trump simply pulled out too early for selfish and reckless reasons but the only reason a geopolitical imbecile like him even could undo that deal so effortlessly is because that was precisely what it was designed to do, unravel at the whims of its masters in Washington whenever they decided it was time to finish what they started and snuff out the Iranian Revolution once and for all.

Now, with Russia locked into our bloody proxy quagmire in Ukraine and China distracted with our provocations in the South China Sea, Iran is virtually on its own and decimated by Trump’s cruel sanctions unleashed at the height of the Pandemic. There is bipartisan unity on “stopping” Iran and it’s only a matter of time before the Mullah’s lose patience with Israel’s constant harassment and give them the Gulf of Tonkin they’ve been begging for on bended knee. War with Iran appears to be all but inevitable. I just pray to Kali and Mother Mary that there is still an antiwar movement radical enough to oppose it in the streets because peace never matters anywhere else.

Nicky Reid is an agoraphobic anarcho-genderqueer gonzo blogger from Central Pennsylvania and assistant editor for Attack the System. You can find her online at Exile in Happy Valley.