MAGA CRACKERs : New from Discomfort Foods!

The following is a hypothetical ad copy for a product released to commemorate this year’s US Senate race in Kansas, which pits First District Congressman Roger Marshall (R) against state senator Barbara Bollier (D). Both are physicians.

There’s no cracker like a WHITE LIES MATTER CRACKER! Take them along to superspreader rallies, voter intimidation operations, tiki-torch marches, and just about anywhere a good cracker is always appreciated.

Discomfort Foods brings you a wide variety of products and recipes that create new memories. Each of our CRACKERs carries the thoughts (in edible ink!) of our Dear Leader President Trump, as conveyed to us by his Prophet Roger Marshall on a recent Keep Kansas Great Bus Tour—including old favorites like

“We’re going to keep you safe.”

“We’re rounding the corner.”

“What we’re doing is working.”

“Does not Amy Coney Barrett represent Kansas values?”

Our CRACKERs are crackers like no one has ever seen, delicious and far superior to those lame CHINA fortune cookies. You can not only read the Dear Leader’s Wisdom but also bring that Wisdom inside the body, kind of like a Disinfectant.

But WAIT! There’s more! Does your city or town have an Unconstitutional CHINA VIRUS mask mandate? We have a solution! For a limited time, every box of our CRACKERs will include a special bonus prize: a one-of-a-kind MAGA MASK!

Unlike those dangerous CHINA VIRUS masks, the MAGA MASK can LIBERATE you to exhale freely, getting those CRACKER crumbs and CHINA VIRUS particles out of your lungs as you holler and chant for our Dear Leader and his Prophet at MAGA VOLUME!

You have plenty to cheer about through your MAGA MASK: The Prophet Roger Marshall (a Licensed Physician, no less!) recently revealed that the CHINA VIRUS so far killed ONLY TEN THOUSAND Americans, not almost a quarter million like the Fake CDC and those Corrupt Professors of Medicine want you to believe.

More reason to cheer: the Prophet (as we said, a Licensed Physician) has also revealed that our beloved State of Kansas is on the way to developing Herd Immunity!

And unlike an Unconstitutional CHINA VIRUS mask, the MAGA MASK can help you promote Herd Immunity by spreading both the CHINA VIRUS and the Dear Leader’s Wisdom with great efficiency, to achieve the Dear Leader’s declared vision for America: “HERD MENTALITY”!

AND, if you are following the excellent example of both the Dear Leader and the Prophet by taking a daily dose of HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE, you and your family will be able to take that Miracle Pill to stay safe from Malaria without removing your MAGA MASK!

So get your box of WHITE LIES MATTER CRACKERS today! Remember, no MAGA event is complete without some crackers!

Stan Cox (@CoxStan) is the author of The Green New Deal and Beyond: Ending the Climate Emergency While We Still Can (City Lights, May, 2020). Priti Gulati Cox (@PritiGCox) is an artist and the creator of the Sidewalk Museum of Congress outside the office of Kansas 1st District Congress member @rogermarshallmd in Salina, Kansas, where Stan and Priti live.