But the other day, the goofball grifter team of Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman held a bizarre, quasi-kinky press conference on the front porch of somebody’s red-brick condo, guarded by a nervous-looking, slightly out-of-shape bouncer named Louis.
A couple of far-right tRump supporters and notorious “sexual assault” fraudsters, Wohl (soon to be arraigned for illegal securities trading) and Burkman, aka Jacob and Jack, are at it again. Having ineptly attempted to smear former Special Counsel Robert Mueller and U.S. Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg, the duplicitous duo are now vigorously playing the same lame blame game with a different Democratic candidate.
You know who it is before they even start the press conference, what with the screen on the condo stairwell reading “Elizabeth WARREN Cougar?”
A “cougar” is a large American wildcat. That’s the standard definition. Like a puma or panther, the cougar is one powerful pussy who could possibly eat you alive, if she’s hungry.
The other, more urban meaning of “cougar” is “an ‘older,’ experienced woman who happens to find herself in a sexual relationship (committed or not) with a younger man” (sometimes called a “cub”).
This is obviously the definition that Wohl is going for on his screen, emblazoned with an American flag behind a photo of Senator Warren with her mouth open, speaking or maybe looking… hungry?
Speaking of mouths, Jacob Wohl also lets it be known that he is a man who sucks BBC (in this case, those famous initials stand for “big brown cigar”).
So, with great sanctimonious verbiage and fanfare, drawing derisive laughter from the journalists and jokesters on the front lawn below them, the bloviating, blundering Wohl and Burkman comedy couple present the leading man of their latest slapstick project.
Kelvin Whelly is a 25-year-old, “decorated,” hunky, but not-too-sure-of-his-script Marine/escort/cub who claims he was Elizabeth Warren’s BDSM sex slave or Master or whatever (where’s that script?) for $1000 a visit, more or less, plus tips and Uber rides.
Struggling to smother their own giggles, the Three Stooges team of Whelly, Wohl and Burkman proceed to tell the torrid—and hilariously inconsistent—tale of Whelly’s “deviant sexual activities” with Warren.
As music plays and vehicles roar by, a stuttering Whelly begins his fanciful story with the Senator first contacting him through an escort ad on the website “Cowboys for Angels.”
Details ensue, tales of taking planes and Ubers to the hotels where Senator Warren was staying and “complying” with her requests to have “not just rough sex, but extensive BDSM play.”
Poor widdle Whelly! Though “experienced” in the cougar escort trade, he was “shocked at the sheer intensity, duration and violence of what Senator Warren wanted.”
The Senator insisted on being “whipped 22 times prior to having intercourse,” Whelly divulges, emphasizing the number “22” as if it is of Kabbalistic significance, though he doesn’t explain the meaning. Maybe that will be clarified in the soon-to-be released docudrama. Graphic novella? Porn Parody? Trump tweet?
Young Kelvin moves on to describe the kinky Senator’s desire to be flogged with a Cat ‘O Nine Tails (which he procures from Amazon, “as we all do”), and to have a threesome with him and a beautiful busty female friend of his “from high school.”
Between guffaws and groans from the peanut gallery below, Whelly blurts something about a “lime green strap-on dildo,” and the disturbing image of Sean Spicer in “Dancing with the Stars” comes to mind.
Exhibit A is Whelly’s back with scars supposedly sustained by Warren the “dominatrix” whipping him (though his stories are all about him whipping her, but never mind… check out those sexy scratched-up rhomboids!), below and to the left of his XXX Vin Diesel tattoo, evidence, Wohl chirps, of “Senator Warren’s transgressions.”
The same tattoo shows up with a different scar on an Instagram account purported to be Whelly’s. Indeed, between military combat and cougar-serving duties, a Marine/escort, even a fake one, is bound to get a few scratches and bites (meow!), wounds of love and war.
Nevertheless, the alleged affair was totally consensual. It wasn’t even cheating, as Warren assured Whelly, and Whelly assures all of us that the Senator and her husband are in an “open relationship.”
“So what’s the big deal?” shouts an all-too sensible journalist from the lawn.
“We know that women are more hormonal than men,” intones Wohl… though he starts by stammering that “women are more ‘whore moral’” or something like that, to the groans and guffaws of the audience. “Trump is a peak alpha male… so him engaging in an extra-marital affair—if that’s even true, I don’t think it is—would be understandable, would be normal, would be average.”
Apparently, the hoary, patriarchal double standard is held high as Old Glory in Wohl World, where Elizabeth Warren, “a frail old woman, is going to be hormonally challenged by…”—well, Wohl can’t figure out what to say next, perhaps suddenly realizing that his hoary “whore moan” theory runs counter to Whelly’s story of hot marathon kinky sex with this “frail old woman.” So, he thrusts the mic at Burkman in the middle of his own sentence.
It all looks as bona fide bogus as everything Jacob Wohl says and does, and it’s a testament to American journalism’s descent into the depths of tabloid poppycock that these inadvertently hilarious, slime-spreading, misogynistic exhibitionists get the media attention they crave.
However, if Elizabeth Warren really is a kinky cougar wielding a cat o’ nine tails and a strap-on dildo of any color on a hunky twenty-something cub, well, more power to her. As long as they practice safe sex (no mention of that at the press conference), hot consensual lovemaking generally helps to keep a mature woman youthful and vital.
But will Cougar Power rule in the voting booth?
Me, I’m still a Bernie Bro. But I’m also an Anyone-But-Trump Gal; I’m so tired of the Baby-Fingered Bully-in-Chief. So, if Bernie drops out due to health issues, or if the Bernie-phobic Dems coronate Liz who is, more or less (at least, compared to the other candidates), “Bernie-lite,” then it’s Cougar2020 all the way.
Yes, Liz has been in bed with Wall Street, and that’s a lot worse than sleeping with a Marine.
Still, better lusty Liz than bumbling Biden or incarcerating Kamala.
And with this revelation—real or fake news—I like Liz even more. Better to be called a “Dominatrix” than “Pocahontas.” It gives the wonky schoolmarm some much-needed sex appeal. I think that many people—whether young men with cougar dreams or older women with 50 Shades fantasies—share those feelings.
“Get it Girl!” is one of the most common responses to Whelly and Wohl’s revelations.
Fantasy or reality, the Liz-the-Cougar concept is very bonoboesque, as the Make-Love-Not-War bonobos empower the females more than any other great ape culture. Many of these empowered females have sex with younger males. All that cougar sex (and other kinds of lovemaking) among bonobos helps them make “peace through pleasure,” creating a society in which no bonobo has ever been seen killing another bonobo in the wild or captivity.
As for that aforementioned porn parody, “Hello Cougar” comedienne Sally Mullins, aka porn star Jamie Foster, is a ringer for Warren and ready to pounce on it. With titles like “Jizz on Liz” and “Whorin’ for Warren,” how can she miss?
So, despite Wohl, Whelly and Burkman’s best efforts, most of us (though we don’t believe these grade-D grifters), are happy that Senator Warren might be having kinky cougar sex.
We especially appreciate Liz herself tweeting a snappy response to the accusations, establishing herself as America’s Queen of Shade (at least for that media cycle), slapping the douchebags down, making a titillating little pun, and staying on point with her “plan” for canceling student debt:
“It’s always a good day to be reminded that I got where I am because a great education was available for $50 a semester at the University of Houston (go Cougars!). We need to cancel student debt and make college free for everyone who wants it.”