Instant Bull in Istanbul

Heads will probably roll, but likely not those affixed to the most pertinent bodies.  The Trump administration, along with Prince Mohammed bin Salman (or his father) will see to that:  It was a completely rogue operation unknown to the little Prince.  An impromptu fifteen member debate team hijacked a plane (déjà vu) and with bone saw in hand, piloted themselves to Istanbul in an effort to rein in the impertinent voice of Jamal Khashoggi.  The debate, which seemingly lacked a moderator, quickly grew heated.  The visibly agitated Khashoggi became a violent threat to the fifteen member team, so his fingers were cut off to keep him from pointing. His still dangerous body was then dismembered to avoid further bloodshed.  The team’s quick action cooled Khashoggi’s impertinent rhetoric and ended the debate (he lost).

It leaves so many unanswered questions, especially to an outsider and one not so familiar with Islam.  By all accounts, Saudi Arabia is an Islamic monarchy, strictly governed by Islamic principles.  It’s known to be fundamentally zealous, adhering to the most stringent interpretations of Islamic doctrine.  The Wahhabi inspired monarchy must surely represent the epitome of Islamic culture, so this whole sordid Khashoggi affair must not be sordid at all, but actually is a faithful testimonial to the glory of Allah.  It has to be, right?  So why all the obfuscation?  Just explain it in Islamic terms and the world will understand.

The required sacrifice was obviously an observance of Sharia law.  Jamal Khashoggi was a Muslim, so he must have known that criticism of the Royal Family is nothing more than veiled blasphemy towards Allah.  Allahu Akbar!  Allahu Akbar!  (and Salman Akbar, too!)  Jamal should have known better.  He strayed from Royal Family doctrine and brought shame and violence upon himself.

So the debate in Istanbul went south from the get go, and the dangerous infidel was dispatched.  Were the proper rules followed?  There are so many infidels being dispatched these days; surely there are Allah sanctioned procedures in place.  Does it follow the rules of halal, or is that just for animals to be eaten?  (Please say you didn’t.)  Is it halal to start with fingers and advance to the larger appendages with a bone saw, or was that some on the spot, clever improvisation?  Does Allah condone that kind of ingenuity, or will there be hell to pay?  During the sacrificial procedure, was shahada given…or did the buzz of the bone saw and the drizzle of flesh render the words somewhat meaningless?  (Allahu Akbar!  Allahu Akbar!  Paper towel, please.)

President Trump is in your corner; he still wants to do business.  He’s pretty much said he’d be happy if you can just find some rogue elements to pin it on so as to make it look less like he’s dealing with a murderer.  It doesn’t have to be perfect (he likes to use four hundred pound hackers – were any of your hackers that big?).  Just make the claim and stand firm.  You’ve probably already started the process: for appearance sake, some real heads will have to roll (Trump has indicated he’s fine with that).  Do you have a few more culpable media types tucked away somewhere that may have offended Allah?  Trump would be all in with that…but if you can’t make it work, how about some volunteers from the debate team?  It doesn’t have to be all fifteen; six or seven would probably work.  Maybe you can offer martyrdom as in the tradition of Imam Tirmidhi (the 72 Virgins in heaven thing).  Probably all fifteen or eighteen won’t go for it, but half might if given a little persuasion (at least some of them must have families).

Even if you get just seven though, it will require 504 virgins (and at pretty much a moment’s notice).  Does Allah keep that many on hand?  Would it be impertinent to call ahead and confirm?  They actually are real human souls right, and not just some kind of weird, divine sex toy?  So where do they come from?  The martyrs come from Earth, so presumably the virgins do also.  Here’s a thought:  There’s still a few Yemen schools and buses filled with children that haven’t been bombed.  Trump’s knocking at your door in a fever to sell planes, bombs, and missiles.  That knock is opportunity.  It represents a win, win, win – one for Trump, one for the Royal Family, and 504 for the martyrs.  Don’t worry about the visuals.  You can handle your end of that, and the Trump administration doesn’t really mind the bodies as long as it’s part of a business deal with no discernible culpability.  (If there’s no evidence of fetal presence in the carnage, you can even count on Mike Pence’s silence).  It’s all for money, progress, and the glory of God.  Allahu Akbar!  Allahu Akbar!  (Or as Trump’s Christians are often left saying, “The Lord works in mysterious ways!”)