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Thank You Note

Yo, earthling, I’m just about to shove off so I wanted to say, you know, I had a good time. Thanks for the invite. Nothing to complain about in this neck of the woods. It was a hell of a party and I’m just going to stay out of the way of the clean-up crew. They look just about ready to move in with bulldozers.

So I’m checking out at noon, but thanks again and thank you for the take-aways. I’ve got my little goody bag all tucked up in my belly-pack. I think I already mentioned how much I enjoyed liking this and that. So I want to also put in my two cents for boredom. When you think about it, boredom is the flip side of liking. You like it, it bores you, you like something else. Cool! That’s what keeps the wheels of progress turning.

Many people don’t realize that boredom is a human invention. They think it is one of the blessings of nature, proof that capitalism is natural. That was probably because it was easy to bore other species. I knew a guy who could bore a spider. But don’t worry. I’ve got your back on the intellectual property front. Boredom will be recorded as one hundred per cent human intellectual property with all the rights that entails.

What else is good? Money. Money is good. Best way to run a slave state. Come on little person, do your tricks if you want some slop at the end of the day. Take it or leave it. Much better than being the master, and saves the cost of a whip. Gets rid of all the worry. You don’t even have to be around. Sick? Can’t work? Terminate the fucker! Unhappy? Makes mistakes? Can the bitch! Slow? Heave ho! Fuck them if they can’t take a joke. Slavery just cannot compete. Money keeps everyone in line. If ever another species comes down the pike that could use some money, I will be first on the doorstep with a fistful of bucks, at reasonable interest of course. I can hardly wait the hundreds of millions of years to get money back in circulation. Heck, money is right up there with “let there be light” on the hit parade. I mean that’s Hall of Fame caliber. Or at least a nomination.

Now having stupid, callous criminals in charge might not have been that good an idea. Unless, of course, human extinction is your cup of tea. But the species has by now sunk so low, at least in the USA, that I can understand how it might have been hard to find anyone who wasn’t total scum to take the job. I mean, after the Kennedy bump-off, the president was a hostage to the CIA. As the bird-man used to say, “when the canary dies, it’s worth a gander.” Fail to heed that at your peril. What kind of wacko works his tail off to get the job being a hostage? I don’t care how much sitting in the oval office makes you feel really really good about yourself, getting off on having a gun at your head for four years makes you one sick dude.

Look, I’m not naive. It’s Realpolitik. I know somebody’s got to cram the worthless Yankee dollar down the gullets of all and sundry. Isn’t that what US interests boil down to? That and shoving war shit up somebody’s ass. Why be a hegemon if you can’t cram your worthless dollar down all and sundry’s gullet and stuff war shit up their children’s ass in the form of anti-personnel weapons? Maybe it’s me, but I think guys and gals who want that job are weird. I mean what kind of guy gets his rocks off cramming worthless dollars down the gullets of all and sundry and shoving war shit up their children’s ass while having a gun held to his head to make him play the stooge! Aside from born stooges, who? How does someone like that dress in private? What do they eat? Never mind what goes on in beddy bye. Am I wrong here?

One more thing. Totally mucking-up the past was definitely a bad idea. You’ve got maybe a century or more of history that is pure bull flop. Nothing you think happened happened the way you think! A century plus of shit. That is a pile. Run your country from a city on a hill of bull dung and you have a government that is stinky and trying to wipe off its shoes. It’s coming through their eyeballs. Everyone knows that if anyone in the government opens his mouth out comes bull flop. Apes throw shit at zoo patrons the way these guys and gals trot out lies. Pee yew. You remember the kid who stepped in dog do and tried to deny it while everybody sniffed the stink? He’s in charge now! Pretends he smells like roses while everybody tries to, you know, ignore it.

I mean. what is a false flag attack but a great big pile of bull flop that some official plopped down to hide another pile of bull flop everyone has to now pretend is the first pile of bull flop? The economy? Bull flop. Education? Bull flop. The News? Do I really have to say it? Is that any way to run a country? Or am I overreacting? Are your freedoms eroding? Are they threatened? Are they undermined? Bull flop. They are gone. Human rights? Ditto. The future for the human species? Guess. And just exactly what is left? Is it worth the trouble to not step in bull flop at this point? Maybe it will help for next time.

Well, that’s about it. I could say I hope you’ll still be here when I get back, but we both know you won’t be. Fear not for your interests, I’ve got some really good news. I’ve got you covered back at the ranch. I don’t care if everybody calls you Mr. Numb-nuts, I’m going to put my two cents in for your place in the Extinct Species Hall of Fame. Isn’t that great? It’s harder to get in there than Harvard. Money alone ought to buy you a banner in the rafters. Perhaps boredom might be picked up at option by another species. That would give you another gold star. Given the immanent termination of your lease, I don’t see how you can cash in big time. I mean the real cream of the deal is going to be in a service contract. But, hey, anything is better than nothing, right? Oh, by the way, I obtained power of attorney from the deep state, so you don’t need to worry about the paperwork in a boredom deal if no one is left alive to sign. The proceeds will all go into the trust fund, Wasteland Trust.

So don’t fret. If some other species does pick up an option on boredom– ka-ching right into the old piggy bank! As ye olde economist used to say, “there are no human rights, only property rights.” And, when it comes to boredom, I’ve got your human property rights covered, dude. Your proceeds will be just waiting and piling up for in case, you know, by chance through some strange evolutionary relativistic quantum mechanical glitch a future worm can claim to be your descendant. A tape worm, perhaps. He or it would inherit the bundle.

But you know how evolution is, so unpredictable and long term. That is the fun of it – finding out what comes next. It’s always so surprising. So keep your fingers crossed. A worm-child may be in your future. It’s a crap shoot. You can hope. You never know. You might even get to be mentioned in some future new species’ retrospective. What a bonus! You know, “Can you believe it? We came from primitive humans!” Ted Talk, anyone? If it happens it will be gravy. It will only happen, of course, if a trace of you remains after the couple of hundred million years of rest planet earth is about to take to recover from your shit-faced stupidity.

But if we are honest, we have to admit, every last trace of you will most likely be gone after not much more than a million years, if that. Every last little trace. The rest of creation will celebrate. Oh, I feel so sad. But… happy trails until we meet again..

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Michael Doliner studied with Hannah Arendt at the University of Chicago and has taught at Valparaiso University and Ithaca College.

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