Merrily They Go A-Rampaging

There are only a few tigers and polar bears left in the world. These miracles of nature are now tax-deductible charitable donations. They are being counted down on tv their numbers only growing on sympathy lists, the outcome inevitable, the tale of a gaping wound and a bandaid.

Charities for people are the opposite. There are too many of us, those over there didn’t get their ducks in a row, now the ducks are dead. It’s the right thing to give and mere pennies will suffice, the price of a cup of coffee. They won’t mention it was likely another arm of the same bloated beast that rifled their pockets and slaughtered their ducks, it’s the Holidays after all, that would be rude.

The same ads appear every year. A soft pleading voice over sad soft music. Only money can help. Don’t change just send your change. There are no tigers or polar bears in your backyard, it has been swept clean, the problem is over there, keep doing what you’re doing, change nothing just send your change. And be aware. Don’t buy tiger dust for your wee wee. It doesn’t work and we got pills for that anyway. Enough money and awareness will fix the problem. Same with cancer. It’s democracy for your wallet. You are a consumer after all. What better way? Please, just a few more dollars, we are so close.

The tigers and bears move past the camera in slow motion as the soft voice pleads for their declining numbers. Please, don’t get up, it will hardly take anything, new technologies are in the works, change without changing, in the meantime little cameras will keep a sharp eye, when a tiger goes down by a poacher it will render in HD.

Face it. This planet is peopling. More people are coming, people. All macho animals better get to the nearest park or zoo and face a techno human future pacing behind bullet proof glass their animal utterances squawking through a stiff speaker in the wall.

In fifty years time they’ll likely net as many tigers as big-foots in night vision cameras. This peopling planet is pushing aside more and more of less and less. To get on in this world one may have to become a snapping turtle. More than that one should strive to be multi-animalistic in this people’d-up world. It has worked for me in the past. I’ve been a jail bird, a wolf and a mourning dove. It might be time to conjure up your inner gorilla.

People are the great imitators. We’ve already had a grizzly man, a few tiger mommas, some tattooed lizard people already roam our streets. We may end up with herds of human gazelle, after the actual gazelles are gone, prides of human lions, we already have the proving grounds of Cosplay as its natural predecessor. I have an elderly neighbor who would make quite the exotic bird. She opens and closes her eyes independently and she snacks on the seeds she flings around her backyard. For variety’s sake, and because most bore so easily, there will be plenty of people in mass produced costumes to fill the void.

It’s true this globe will go on without these incredible animals stalking the wilds (it doesn’t seem to miss the dinosaurs) but by definition with their exit there will be no more wilds. Planet earth will become a park in total. Papered in people. This is devastating.

The world is becoming like a fast food menu. The same ingredients pressed into different shapes and chemical tastes. Disguised as variety. Nothing truly wild. Just the nightmarish machinations of corporations, governments, serial killers and terrorists. I’d rather have real wolves at my door.

Michael McDaeth is a writer and musician living in Seattle. He is the author of the novel Roads and Parking Lots. He can be reached atmmcdaeth@msn.com


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