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Jesus for the Supreme Court?

by BRIAN J. FOLEY

Since Elena Kagan’s nomination for the Supreme Court, the chatter about President Obama’s possible nomination of Jesus Christ has died down.  That’s probably why, while riding Amtrak from Washington, D.C. to Boston yesterday, I found the following crumpled up, discarded document.

Right Wing Talking Points: Jesus Christ Not Fit for United States Supreme Court

Lack of Experience:  Jesus lacks judicial and real life experience – he has never served as a judge and has never been elected to public office.  Records show he has worked as a carpenter (Mark 6:3) and teacher (Mark 10:20).  He may be a union member. He may also be an intellectual.

Not a Strict Constructionist: Christ is a scriptural activist. He amended the Ten Commandments: “A new commandment I give unto you, that you love one another” (John 13:31-35). Can we trust someone who plays so fast and loose with the Old Testament to interpret our Constitution?

Thin Paper Trail: He has no published writings.  Who is Jesus Christ and what is he hiding?

Anti Business?  Christ forced moneychangers out of a temple (Matthew 21:12-13; Mark 11:15-17; Luke 19: 45-46; John 2:14-15). As a Justice, Jesus may rule against the free market and in favor of regulating business.

Socialist Puppet?  Christ fed multitudes with bread and fish, for free (Mark 6:30-44). This giveaway reveals likely support for welfare programs. And where did this low wage earner obtain all this food? From powerful friends to whom he may be beholden if confirmed as a Justice?

Health Care? Christ raised a man from the dead (John 11:38-44) and cured the blind and the lame (Matthew 21:14; Mark 8:22-26; John 9:1-41; Luke 18:35-43) – all for free.  Does Christ therefore support socialized medicine, which could come up for judicial review during his tenure on the Court?  Also, Christ practices medicine without a license. That shows profound disrespect for the law.

Soft on Crime? Christ intervened when men were about to stone a woman to death for adultery (John 8:1-11).  Is Jesus anti-death penalty?  Pro-adultery?  He appears to support prostitution (Luke 7:36-50, Matthew 21:31-32).

An Anti-Military Justice?  In a well-documented speech, Christ commanded people to love their enemies and, if attacked, to turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:38-48, Luke 6:27-36).  When Christ was arrested, he refused to fight back and even made Peter put down his sword (Matthew 26:52). Doesn’t this reflect hostility to the military?

Where’s the Birth Certificate?  We know little about the exact date of Christ’s birth, and many researchers say he was not actually born on December 25.  Ascribing December 25 as his birth date could be another liberal lie, a conspiracy to generate knee-jerk support for Christ by linking him with our national holiday.

Born in the Middle East: Christ was born in Bethlehem (Matthew 2:1), a Palestinian city. In terrorism cases, does Jesus think he and other Middle Eastern men are entitled to Miranda rights?

Personal Life: Christ never married.  He traveled with 12 men, washed their feet, and told them he loved them (John 13:1-16). It is well documented that another man kissed him (Matthew 26:47-56; Mark 14:43-50; John 18:3-12).  As our good friends at Americans for Truth About Homosexuality demand, we must ask nominees, “Are (or were) you a practicing homosexual?”

Our “verdict”:  It’s doubtful that Jesus Christ can be confirmed as a United States Supreme Court Justice. We can count on right wing conservative Christian Republicans to oppose his teachings and social policies.

BRIAN J. FOLEY teaches law and does standup comedy. He can be reached at brian_j_foley@yahoo.com  Visit his website, A New Financial You in 28 Days

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Brian J. Foley is a lawyer and the author of A New Financial You in 28 Days! A 37-Day Plan (Gegensatz Press). Contact him at brian_j_foley@yahoo.com.

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