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Battle of the Dicks

And so it comes to a head. Finally, the question of who is the bigger dick–Bush or Saddam–will be determined once and for all. This is what we mean by “measuring up” to the War on Terror. Speak softly, loudly or not at all, but whatever you do, carry a Big Stick, preferably with a 25,000-pound conventional warhead on the end of it.

Back in ’91, it was left largely undecided as to who wielded the bigger wiener: Saddam the Insane or Bush the Elder. First, Saddam showed off his thuggish cockiness by nation-raping Kuwait. Outraged to see another dipstick horning in on his oil, George the First gathered an international coalition of agitated nations, and then gangbanged that cocky Iraqi right out of his poontang. That showed ’em who was the Biggest Dick, huh?

George I’s polls sagged when he pulled out of Iraq “prematurely” –and ignored our limp economy to boot!

But the American Commander-in-Chief, lacking what some called the “balls” to finish the job, pulled out before the final climax. That is, Saddam did not die the Little Death (le petit mort–ooh baby) or the Big One either. Frustrating the hell out of George the Gangbang Leader, Saddam survived and, though the Iraqi people were decimated by bombs and sanctions, he prospered. In fact, in terms of sheer staying power as his nation’s head, Saddam outlasted his American rival by almost a decade, ruling like a king with his long, hard scepter. Which brings us to Bush Senior’s Boy George chomping-at-the-bit like a stud-out-of-the-stable to finish the job.

This dangerous dick-waving contest is, in my humble sex therapist’s view, at the heart of the reason why America now teeters on the brink of a New War on Iraq. After all, what better reason is there?

The reason given by the Great Pretzel Swallower himself is that Saddam has some kind of Weapons of Mass Destruction (built from materials he obtained from America in sunnier times). Probably he does, but so do a lot of other national leaders, evil maniacs and former allies of the United States. And just how much of this stuff does Saddam really have? If his biological weapons stockpile is anything like his ’91 scud collection, it’s pretty thin. Probably, if he ever actually showed those UN weapons inspectors his whole secret stash, they would not be impressed. Saddam strikes me as being the kind of guy who brags he’s got nine inches, then won’t let you unzip his pants for fear you’ll laugh at his actual four and a half (and he’d have to kill you for that).

And yes, Brothers and Sisters, Lovers and Sinners, there’s no denying the man is EVIL, your classic evil dictator. Like Bush the Younger, Saddam was not elected to his office. Both are oil men with reputations for sadism. While Saddam is rumored to have jerked off watching videos of his enemies being tortured to death, Bush is said to have ridden a bit taller in his saddle every time a Death Row prisoner was executed while he was governor of Texas. Saddam even supports the same terrorist group (MKO) as Bush’s own Ayatollah Asscraft. And, of course, both leaders have been compared to Hitler; Bush by former German Justice Minister Herta Daubler-Gmelin, Saddam by all the Bushes. Saddam’s moustache does bring him facially closer to the evil Adolf, while Bush’s stature makes him more Napoleonic (is that why the French won’t join the gangbang this time?).

Still, why attack Iraq, killing and maiming all those Iraqis? Iraq hasn’t attacked anybody in over ten years. Everyone seems to agree that the alternative to Saddam is massive chaos and religious fundamentalism like they have in Iran or like the Taliban. Right now, despite crippling sanctions, Iraq manages to boast some of the highest levels of education in the Middle East. The Taliban forbade women from going to school or showing so much as an earlobe. But Iraq is more of a democracy than most Arab nations and gives its female citizens more freedom than any other country in the Middle East except Israel. Do we prefer the religious autocracy of Iran or the royal family despots of Saudi Arabia?

Okay, well, then there’s 9.11. The Bushies always try to tie the proposed New War on Iraq into 9.11. But what exactly is Saddam’s relationship to 9.11? Just that he’s another evil camel-jockey?

Speaking of 9.11, what about Osama? Remember him, the other Big Evil Arab who fucked America in the ass with our own planes? That HURT. And Osama’s dick is still at large, as is the rest of him. Even with Saddam to distract us, losing Osama doesn’t look good. I mean, Osama is an X-tra Large guy in more ways than one; how difficult can it be for us to find him? Where is he? In a cave? In the CIA Witness Protection Program? In Pakistan? In Peoria? One place he’s probably not is Iraq.

At what point did Bush decide that we didn’t have to look for Osama anymore, and that we had to get Saddam? Is it just because Saddam is easier to find? Or is it that erection–er, election time is around the corner?

Of course, there is the Wag the Dog factor, the idea that a BIG NEW WAR on EVIL will distract Americans from the fact that our economy is limper than Bob Dole without Viagra.

Underlining just how absurd our New War on Iraq idea is, hardly any other countries in the world are siding with us on this one. What happened to the joyous international gangbang of ’91? Gone. Like yesterday’s condoms. Our New War on Iraq is viewed around the world as a cold, crude assault by a tactless brute who couldn’t get laid any other way, an oaf who can’t or won’t seduce his target with negotiatory words and gestures, but forces his way in, with no lube and no manners.

It’s embarrassing. All the global sympathy we stirred up when our great phallic edifices (Dick 1 & Dick 2) were castrated by the Terrorist’s fiery sword are fading into resentment, fear & ridicule of America, dick-swinging, bomb-tossing Bully of the World.

Speak softly, loudly or not at all, but whatever you do, carry a Big Stick, preferably with a 25,000-pound conventional warhead on the end of it.

So that’s what it comes down to: dicks. Size does matter. But so does staying power. Hundreds of thousands of people may die, all over a couple of Dickheads, one of whom has political blueballs.

Funny things is, I bet Dubya wouldn’t even mind being called a Dickhead. Maybe it’s because of his name, but Bush seems to be a lot more worried about being called a Pussy. George Dubya Pussy! I’m sure that growing up, other kids teased him about his last name, and as a sex therapist, I can appreciate his obsessive need to prove his masculinity and defend his family name. But should Americans kill and die for that?

Meanwhile, Saddam the cocky Iraqi, baits his adversary, defiantly stating that he will not swallow the U.S.-British proposal imposing tougher U.N. weapons inspectoins.

It’s a cockfight all right. With one difference: These two Dicks won’t be the ones doing the dying.

Dr. SUSAN BLOCK is a sex educator, host of The Dr. SUSAN BLOCK Show and author of The 10 Commandments of Pleasure. Visit her website at http://www.drsusanblock.com.

If you’d like to contact Dr. SUSAN BLOCK with questions, comments or contributions, please email liberties@blockbooks.com

More articles by:

Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For information and speaking engagements, call 626-461-5950. Email her at drsusanblock@gmail.com  

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