New GOP Product Launch
“From a marketing point of view, you don’t introduce new products in August.”
White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card in 2003, explaining why “Project Stampede America Into Iraq War II” was introduced in September.
MEMO FROM: KARL ROVE
TO: ALL CONCERNED (EYES ONLY, BURN BAG)
RE: NEW PRODUCT LAUNCH
First of all, GREAT JOB, PEOPLE! Our dynamic Iraq War Product is just about ready to go! Think of what we’ve achieved in less than a year! We’ve managed to:
*Demonize Democrats as “objectively pro-Saddam, terrorist-loving traitors” when they’ve dared oppose us!
*Take America’s Mind Off the Crappy Economy!
*Find A Great Reason To Stop Mentioning Bin Laden!
*Rally Our Wingnut Base!
*Keep Our Defense Contractor Campaign Contributors In Ecstasy!
*Trash NATO, AND the UN!
Of course, the man who deserves the most credit is President Bush, who has provided the focus, the passion, and the commitment to put our War Product across! If you don’t think he’s focused, just listen to this exchange from his most recent press conference!
Q: Mr. President, your fly is open. Do you plan on zipping up any time soon?
A: I believe that Saddam Hussein is a threat to the American people.
Q: Following up on that, Sir, what does that have to do with zipping your fly?
A: A threat to our people–that’s what Saddam is. A threat. To the American people. Who are threatened. By Saddam. Who doesn’t pray daily, like I do. Daily. To God. Because he’s too busy threatening the American people to pray. Like I do. Daily.
See, people? Now that’s focus!
Okay, people, the War Product is ready for roll-out. You know what they say–“A goal is a dream with a deadline.” Our dream is a second term for our beloved President, and the War Product is a vital part of meeting that deadline! Let’s keep our focus as “laser-sharp” as our President’s! Here’s what needs to be done during our March 17-18 launch window, and afterwards:
*LINE UP WINGNUT BLOVIATORS–Rush, O’Reilly, Savage, Hannity, etc.–to push line that “once war starts, anyone who criticizes government is a traitor, subject to arrest, blah blah.” Get the true believers foaming at the mouth.
*MAKE SURE ALL SMART BOMB POV CAMERAS ARE ON LINE for nice, clear “Shock and Awe” hits on FOX, CNN, etc. We need that big opening night “Main Street Electrical Parade” effect.
*GET WINGNUT THINK-TANKERS ON ALL THE NEWS SHOWS talking about what an astonishing success we’re achieving, how it’s the vision of our glorious President, how Democracy is breaking out all over the Middle East, etc. etc.
*MAKE SURE RIDGE DELIVERS “ORANGE ALERT” WARNING of possible terror attacks during initial attack phase. Use the usual, vague stuff about “increased cyber-chatter” and “Arabic voices saying the glorious day has almost come1 blah blah blah etc. etc.
*GET ASHCROFT ON BOARD to announce the arrest of a “dark-skinned male in his late “0’s planning dirty bomb attack in major city” to give people the jitters. Once we arrest the poor sucker, put him in a Navy brig somewhere.
*MOST IMPORTANTLY–RUMMY AND COLIN, READY FOR YOUR CLOSE-UPS! We need you on every news channel and front page telling the American public that now our brave boys and girls are at war, ABSOLUTELY NO CRITICISM WILL BE TOLERATED. Against the war? Go become a human shield, Osama!
It makes me laugh out loud when I hear all these hang-wringing liberal lightweights whimpering that the “war better go well, or President Bush is going to be in political trouble.” BWAA HAA HAA! Our War Product will power us through the full election cycle, so we can frame whatever Democratic patsy gets nominated as “encouraging Saddam” and “giving aid and comfort to the enemy, selling out our brave boys and girls overseas” every time he dare open his mouth against the glorious war to bring democracy to the Middle East.
Okay, Team, it’s SHOWTIME! I want to see you all tomorrow morning at the Prayer Meeting, praying for GREAT SMART BOMB VIDEO, SURGICAL MISSILE HITS, and some COOL FIGHTER PLANE GUN CAMERA FOOTAGE OF IRAQIS FLEEING IN TERROR.
Love you. Mean it.