Fly on the Wall: Davis Defeats Grant!

Jefferson Davis and some of his former cabinet members and generals sit in the Oval Office. Lots of Kentucky bourbon is being passed around. Newspaper headlines on his desk. Davis Defeats Grant. Republicans flee the capitol. Harriet Tubman is arrested. The Statue of Lincoln is replaced with one by John Wilkes Booth.

Davis: These Yankees sure know how to do the dog Dad-gummed.This white house makes my Montgomery white house look like-

Cabinet Member: A Bordello? (Jefferson Davis glares at the man who commented.)

A General: The Yankees are still shocked that you, who fought against the Union, is now its president.

Davis: I had good Yankee lawyers. They talk faster than a Hummingbird bats its wings.

As president of a foreign nation, the court decided that I could not be charged with inspiring an insurgency against the Union because the Union was a separate nation. But now that our nation has merged with the Union, I was eligible to run for president of a united union. And I want you to know that this job beats selling insurance. I must have worn out 50 pairs of shoes going from door to door.

Cabinet member: Has defeated presidential candidate Grant has called to congratulate you?

Davis: We had Grant arrested for invading a sovereign nation without cause, like the lie that the race traitor Abraham Lincoln put out. That we fought the war to defend slavery. I told my voters that I was their retribution.

We also arrested some of the abolitionists, and we’re requesting that the English extradite that rabble-rousing Frederick Douglass, who has been traveling abroad spreading lies about the South.

General: He doesn’t have a birth certificate. We should hang that Nigra.

Davis: Funny how things turn out. A few months ago, these northern crowds were shouting hang Jeff Davis. A lot of them voted for me.

This signifies that the Blue and the Gray nations have reconciled. Why, I even received Black votes! A lot of them are weary of Freedom. Exhausted with it. They want to return to the southern way of life. What about Varina, my wife?

General: We’ve made it clear around Washington that she’s not to be treated like the rest of the Negroes.

Davis: Good.

Ishmael Reed’s latest play is “The Conductor.”