Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, and Fantasy Island: An Imagined Conversation

“Donald Trump starts out playing around with Stormy Daniels, and the next thing you know, one of his final hurrahs is going to be down the street from an adult bookstore that’s been here for 40 years. You can’t write this stuff.”

Interview with owner of Fantasy Island, adult bookstore and sex shop in Philadelphia, down the street from Four Seasons Landscaping

What follows is a fictitious transcript of the conversation between Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani in the immediate aftermath of the Philadelphia press conference:

Muting the sound from Fox News, a visibly irate Donald Trump answers his cell phone shouting: “This better not another naysayer telling me I lost the election.”

RG: “Oh, no, Mr. President, it’s me – your faithful servant and lawyer extraordinaire, Rudy Giuliani. We just finished our press conference at the Four Seasons.

DT: “Wonderful hotel even though it doesn’t carry the Trump brand.”

RG: “Well, sir, we were not at that location. It seems one of my aides booked the press conference at a different venue, but still with “Four Seasons” in the name. I’m going to fire that person since he was the same one who arranged for that bogus interview that fabricated the incident in the Borat film.

DT: “You didn’t put your hand down your pants, again, Rudy?”

RG: “Actually, I did have to make a slight adjustment in my jockey shorts before going on camera. But, once the cameras were rolling, I never put my hands anywhere below my waste. I did raise them over my head to indict the networks and their ‘fake news’ about the projected call for Biden.”

DT: “There’s no way ‘Sleepy Joe’ could have won. They must have counted ballots from dead people and the deadbeats of Detroit and Philly. We’re filing lawsuits aplenty to stop the steal.”

RG: “Speaking of dead people, it turns out that there was a crematorium across the street from the Four Seasons Total Landscaping where we held the press conference. One of my security guards snuck around the back and saw truckloads of bodies being brought into the crematorium. There were obviously getting rid of the evidence of the dead people who voted for Biden.”

DT: “Good detective work. Try to check on those names. And, what the hell were you doing at Four Seasons Total Landscaping?”

RG: “Remember that aide I mentioned and the mix-up. Well, we wound up at this industrial part of the city more than ten miles away from the Four Seasons Hotel. But, it wasn’t a total loss. I bought a lot of smelly fertilizer to dump on the White House lawn to keep any noisy reporters away from you. You can have one of your Super-Spreader events to disperse the manure.”

DT: “Can’t wait to see CNN reporters get a whiff of real bullshit, not the kind they forever accuse me of communicating.”

RG: “Just a quick correction, sir. It’s actually a load of horse shit mixed in with the fertilizer.”

DT: “Even better. That might put to rest any nagging questions about the my erection – I mean election.”

RG: “No worries on that end, Mr. President. There was a nearby sex shop that I snuck into after the press conference. I got us both a “Dick Rambone Dildo” for any future screwing around.”

DT: “Listen, Rudy, I don’t need any artificial sex toys. I have all the natural equipment I need for fucking.”

RG: “Didn’t mean to suggest, sir, that you were deficient in that department. I mean look how you’ve been screwing the Democrats these last four years. That’s some staying power, Mr. President.”

DT: “And I plan to continue to fuck things up. They’ll never get me out of the bunker I’ve built in the White House. And we’ve got a Great Wall surrounding me. It’s like I’m on my own “Fantasy Island.”

RG: “What a coincidence, Mein Fuhrer – I mean Mr. President. That was the name of the adult bookstore and sex shop in Philly.”

DT: “Stop putzing around, Rudy, and get me more dirt now on the Bidens.”

RG. “I will, sir. I’ll grab a few shovels from Four Seasons Total Landscaping.”

DT: “The sooner you can bury those Bidens and the Dems, the better and I will be able to remain in the White House for the foreseeable future. As I was telling McConnell, Cruz, and Graham…

Here the transcript abruptly ended.

Fran Shor is a Michigan-based retired teacher, author, and political activist.