FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

The Evil-Doer Olympics

I have been baffled to the point of hysteria by a recent comparison of photographs:  Kamala Harris smiling with Benjamin Netanyahu vs Tamika Mallory posing with Louis Farrakhan.  Reasonable individuals would argue that each man in these pictures would qualify as a potential “evil-doer”.  But how do we decide (on an international, carefully-considered scale) which one is worse?  And really what would be the point of such a comparison?  The answer is revenue-generating Sponsorships!

I will soon explain this answer, but first let me pause and thank the man who introduced the term “evil-doer” to my vocabulary:  none other than the US President who now looks “pretty good” compared to Trump.  President George W Bush declared on September 16 of 2001 that “We will rid the world of the evil-doers.”  Concerned citizens like me naturally wondered, “how shall we identify all the evil-doers so we can get rid of them?”  President George then offered a clarification on October 24, 2001: “Anybody who tries to affect the lives of our good citizens is evil.  And out of evil can come good.”

Confused?  Fear not, this writer has a solution that can provide the best possible mechanism for identifying and taking action on the world’s worst evil-doers:  That answer is THE EVIL-DOER OLYMPICS!

Unlike the other copyrighted Olympics, this international event will be relatively low-cost, yet its results will generate revenue for major sponsors such as Adobe Photoshop and the American Psychological Association (APA)!

Here is how it works.  Any human who makes the news anywhere in the world for committing any act that can be even remotely considered “evil” is entered into a database along with details of the evil deed.  Using whiz-bang technology the ICIED (International Committee to Identify Evil Doers), will create a virtual world competition every 4 years reenacting the evil deeds in virtual reality that can be streamed online– thus no need to build large stadiums or dormitories for the competitors.  Using similar wisdom as that applied to athletic competitions, smaller evil-doers will compete against each other in qualifying heats and only the very best will compete for the Gold, Silver and Bronze (winners to be selected by highest number of online votes!).  Any evil-doer who tries to “dope’ the system, say by hiring a PR company to clean up their record, will automatically be granted an honorary Gold Medal!

By now, dear reader, you understand that getting a Gold Medal in the Evil-Doer Olympics is a thing to be radically avoided.  Once you become a favorite for the Gold or even the Bronze, you are not signed up to endorse shoes or washing powder.  Instead you become a heart-breaking “Endorser of Shame”.  Any medal winner not only brings shame to his or her self, their hometown and their family but also to any unfortunate person who might have taken a picture with the evil him or her – thus the sponsorship from Adobe.  A crack team of Photoshop experts will (for a reasonable fee) quickly and effectively airbrush any photograph that might create a shameful association between the Medal winner and others.  And for a larger (but still quite reasonable) fee, another team will remove the offensive pictures from any website or search engine where they might have once appeared.

Some of you who find yourself suddenly associated online with a medal winner that you never knew was all that evil, will continue to suffer debilitating shame even after every photograph of you with that evil one has been airbrushed or destroyed.  That’s where the APA comes in.  A well crafted combination of medication and counseling can help you mitigate your sense of shame and get you back to work quickly!

Just think of the wealth of revenue that can be generated by an event that happens completely in the virtual world.  Imagine how much easier it will be to compare evil-doers in the future.  How can a guy who got eliminated in the first qualifying heat be even compared to a 7 medal winner? No way man.

 

More articles by:

January 16, 2019
Patrick Bond
Jim Yong Kim’s Mixed Messages to the World Bank and the World
John Grant
Joe Biden, Crime Fighter from Hell
Alvaro Huerta
Brief History Notes on Mexican Immigration to the U.S.
Kenneth Surin
A Great Speaker of the UK’s House of Commons
Elizabeth Henderson
Why Sustainable Agriculture Should Support a Green New Deal
Binoy Kampmark
Trump, Bolton and the Syrian Confusion
Jeff Mackler
Trump’s Syria Exit Tweet Provokes Washington Panic
Barbara Nimri Aziz
How Long Can Nepal Blame Others for Its Woes?
Glenn Sacks
LA Teachers’ Strike: When Just One Man Says, “No”
Cesar Chelala
Violence Against Women: A Pandemic No Longer Hidden
Kim C. Domenico
To Make a Vineyard of the Curse: Fate, Fatalism and Freedom
Dave Lindorff
Criminalizing BDS Trashes Free Speech & Association
Thomas Knapp
Now More Than Ever, It’s Clear the FBI Must Go
Binoy Kampmark
Dances of Disinformation: The Partisan Politics of the Integrity Initiative
Andrew Stewart
The Green New Deal Must be Centered on African American and Indigenous Workers to Differentiate Itself From the Democratic Party: Part Two
Edward Curtin
A Gentrified Little Town Goes to Pot
January 15, 2019
Patrick Cockburn
Refugees Are in the English Channel Because of Western Interventions in the Middle East
Howard Lisnoff
The Faux Political System by the Numbers
Lawrence Davidson
Amos Oz and the Real Israel
John W. Whitehead
Beware the Emergency State
John Laforge
Loudmouths against Nuclear Lawlessness
Myles Hoenig
Labor in the Age of Trump
Jeff Cohen
Mainstream Media Bias on 2020 Democratic Race Already in High Gear
Dean Baker
Will Paying for Kidneys Reduce the Transplant Wait List?
George Ochenski
Trump’s Wall and the Montana Senate’s Theater of the Absurd
Binoy Kampmark
Dances of Disinformation: the Partisan Politics of the Integrity Initiative
Glenn Sacks
On the Picket Lines: Los Angeles Teachers Go On Strike for First Time in 30 Years
Jonah Raskin
Love in a Cold War Climate
Andrew Stewart
The Green New Deal Must be Centered on African American and Indigenous Workers to Differentiate Itself From the Democratic Party
January 14, 2019
Kenn Orphan
The Tears of Justin Trudeau
Julia Stein
California Needs a 10-Year Green New Deal
Dean Baker
Declining Birth Rates: Is the US in Danger of Running Out of People?
Robert Fisk
The US Media has Lost One of Its Sanest Voices on Military Matters
Vijay Prashad
5.5 Million Women Build Their Wall
Nicky Reid
Lessons From Rojava
Ted Rall
Here is the Progressive Agenda
Robert Koehler
A Green Future is One Without War
Gary Leupp
The Chickens Come Home to Roost….in Northern Syria
Glenn Sacks
LA Teachers’ Strike: “The Country Is Watching”
Sam Gordon
Who Are Northern Ireland’s Democratic Unionists?
Weekend Edition
January 11, 2019
Friday - Sunday
Richard Moser
Neoliberalism: Free Market Fundamentalism or Corporate Power?
Paul Street
Bordering on Fascism: Scholars Reflect on Dangerous Times
Joseph Majerle III – Matthew Stevenson
Who or What Brought Down Dag Hammarskjöld?
Jeffrey St. Clair - Joshua Frank
How Tre Arrow Became America’s Most Wanted Environmental “Terrorist”
Andrew Levine
Dealbreakers: The Democrats, Trump and His Wall
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail