The Evil-Doer Olympics

I have been baffled to the point of hysteria by a recent comparison of photographs:  Kamala Harris smiling with Benjamin Netanyahu vs Tamika Mallory posing with Louis Farrakhan.  Reasonable individuals would argue that each man in these pictures would qualify as a potential “evil-doer”.  But how do we decide (on an international, carefully-considered scale) which one is worse?  And really what would be the point of such a comparison?  The answer is revenue-generating Sponsorships!

I will soon explain this answer, but first let me pause and thank the man who introduced the term “evil-doer” to my vocabulary:  none other than the US President who now looks “pretty good” compared to Trump.  President George W Bush declared on September 16 of 2001 that “We will rid the world of the evil-doers.”  Concerned citizens like me naturally wondered, “how shall we identify all the evil-doers so we can get rid of them?”  President George then offered a clarification on October 24, 2001: “Anybody who tries to affect the lives of our good citizens is evil.  And out of evil can come good.”

Confused?  Fear not, this writer has a solution that can provide the best possible mechanism for identifying and taking action on the world’s worst evil-doers:  That answer is THE EVIL-DOER OLYMPICS!

Unlike the other copyrighted Olympics, this international event will be relatively low-cost, yet its results will generate revenue for major sponsors such as Adobe Photoshop and the American Psychological Association (APA)!

Here is how it works.  Any human who makes the news anywhere in the world for committing any act that can be even remotely considered “evil” is entered into a database along with details of the evil deed.  Using whiz-bang technology the ICIED (International Committee to Identify Evil Doers), will create a virtual world competition every 4 years reenacting the evil deeds in virtual reality that can be streamed online– thus no need to build large stadiums or dormitories for the competitors.  Using similar wisdom as that applied to athletic competitions, smaller evil-doers will compete against each other in qualifying heats and only the very best will compete for the Gold, Silver and Bronze (winners to be selected by highest number of online votes!).  Any evil-doer who tries to “dope’ the system, say by hiring a PR company to clean up their record, will automatically be granted an honorary Gold Medal!

By now, dear reader, you understand that getting a Gold Medal in the Evil-Doer Olympics is a thing to be radically avoided.  Once you become a favorite for the Gold or even the Bronze, you are not signed up to endorse shoes or washing powder.  Instead you become a heart-breaking “Endorser of Shame”.  Any medal winner not only brings shame to his or her self, their hometown and their family but also to any unfortunate person who might have taken a picture with the evil him or her – thus the sponsorship from Adobe.  A crack team of Photoshop experts will (for a reasonable fee) quickly and effectively airbrush any photograph that might create a shameful association between the Medal winner and others.  And for a larger (but still quite reasonable) fee, another team will remove the offensive pictures from any website or search engine where they might have once appeared.

Some of you who find yourself suddenly associated online with a medal winner that you never knew was all that evil, will continue to suffer debilitating shame even after every photograph of you with that evil one has been airbrushed or destroyed.  That’s where the APA comes in.  A well crafted combination of medication and counseling can help you mitigate your sense of shame and get you back to work quickly!

Just think of the wealth of revenue that can be generated by an event that happens completely in the virtual world.  Imagine how much easier it will be to compare evil-doers in the future.  How can a guy who got eliminated in the first qualifying heat be even compared to a 7 medal winner? No way man.


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