FacebookTwitterRedditEmail

The Trojan President: America Never Saw It Coming

The year 2020: coasting to the end of an accidental presidency, the vacationing celebrity reality star masquerading as a conservative republican turns on the anti-everything, believe-anything electorate; back to his godless, reprehensible New York liberal roots.

He treacherously betrays the Hillbilly Dipshit Caucus. Now a permanent congressional body following sweeping tea party victories in gerrymandered white trash districts. Unchecked and only made possible by the president’s lapdog, self-disempowering judiciary appointees.

Once celebrated, now disgraced culture warrior VP Mike Pence flees into ignominy. As the rabid right’s worst nightmares finally come true. The unrepentant sinner cum president pays reparations, legalizes abortion and being gay, makes deals like you never seen with Merica’s Mexican and Muslim enemies, and extends his teeny tiny fingers to wipe his goldplated ass with the sacred paper of our aging, now almost irrelevant constitution.

Acceding to one world government, he pries all remaining guns from the cold dead hands of 10,000 NRA patriots gunned down by black helicopters and the UN Army. Backwoods sharpshooters inundate the Secret Service with hate mail. The president’s erstwhile voters – mystified by the betrayal of family values at the hands of a Playboy cover – try to make good on ominous, now darkly ironic campaign warnings about “Second Amendment people.”

As he shambles shamefully out of the Oval Office, NBC brings his flocks of faithful evangelical viewers and voters face-to-face with the shocking, unavoidable truth: it was all a coastal hoax designed to mock and humiliate Middle America, make a hideous caricature out of the seedy family values underbelly, and erode dipshit moron voting power for good.

His election was a preposterous media experience, a great leap backward in thinkfluence. Ungrateful sheeple spited the prevailing wisdom, defied the experts, and turned out in droves to vote for a man they had despised within their own totally unracist lifetimes.

That is, hated until a few years back when he gained conservatwerp street cred by loudly proclaiming our first black president to be foreign born and ineligible for office. It was an absurd, yet cathartic and epochal media experience. All the experts said he had no chance; then he won by an electoral college landslide.

Thus, did a man once derided by the baptized as the essence of our national excess and shame implausibly reemerge as their president. Haphazardly metastasizing into an ersatz version of one of those corny comeback stories so beloved by naive unquestioning innocents everywhere: rehab, recovery, repentance, redemption, resurrection, salvation!

Family values folks should have spent tragicomic campaign 2016 showering the sybarite candidate with hellfire and damnation. But instead reveled like pigs in shit amuck his gloatingly unchristian worldview. For god’s sake, he once crawled so far into the gutter that he emerged on the Howard Stern show.

In America’s debut reality election, the philistine’s bewildering popularity with god’s chosen ones made no sense. Their end times worldview clearly stipulated such a demagogue to be a likelier candidate for antichrist than president, yet dipshit morons loved him.

But he didn’t love them back. The thrice married, reality tv candidate was actually just some slick left coast studio exec’s cruel practical joke at the expense of our credulous heartland. It wasn’t even a real campaign. Former Candid Camera producers were just hard at work on what was anticipated to be NBC’s spring 2017 smash hit: Candid Candidate.

Trump’s inner circle certainly never expected him to win. And no one was more stunned or dismayed than the man himself when, as president, he was forced to renege on a fresh contract and postpone Merica’s newest favorite reality series to accommodate a totally unexpected four years in the White House.

Because the candidate never truly believed in the dying Nixon/Reagan-era old man values he so shamelessly peddled: nationalism, fundamentalism, racism. He was always resplendent in his vanquished foe’s glittery Clinton ones: sex, scandal, celebrity. The star remained the same: a dollar store checkout line tabloid cover abomination.

What changed was his target audience’s willingness to creatively reinterpret their own values in reckless, feckless pursuit of political agency. Long disdained by the rust and bible belts as a posterchild for worldliness, he just stage-managed a convincing conversion story and sold the good folk of the Great Plains on a transparent lie that he was just like them.

He was never like them

Disappointed by rapture delays, fearing they’d all been left behind, and being in the world but not of it, heedless hillbilly believers invoked a time-honored dipshit moron tradition: “If we can’t have it, no one will.”

Late, great planet Earth, indeed: Trump-Pence 2016. Vast, unanticipated crowds of jabbering, hyperventilating, off the grid born again poured out the hills into voting booths to wipe Crooked Hillary off the electoral map.

‎Eagerly anticipating the bad trip, misanthrope fever dreams of Warrior Jesus holocausting the rest of us at Armageddon, brimstone believers’ ultraviolent, manic hatred and long-suspected hypocrisy were on full display. As they basked in artless adoration of a man who’d been one of their preeminent moral outrages for two generations of the culture wars‎.

Despite the new president’s numerous and prominent sinner bona fides from his life before birtherstelevangelism viewers spent the last few years nodding gravely at the boob tube in grim, hypocritical agreement with a man who made retard jokes and couldn’t convincingly quote their favorite book that none of them ever actually read.

The silent and moral majorities’ fat jowls trembled indignantly at Ellen Degenerate and the lamestream media. As they muttered darkly over tv dinners from the sofa that it’s been a long time comin’…

“Do unto others? Hell yes, do it! GogMagogMegiddo666, Mark of the BeastWhore of Babylon!” Lashing out at a brave new world they taught children to hate, Merica’s aging white evangelical jackasses would go neither gently nor gracefully into that good night. If they go, they’d take us all with them. Unto oblivion in their apocalyptic fervor for something different, and anything but what we have.

And what we have is the world’s 16th highest standard of living. One to which many hopefuls aspire.

Remember? We’re number one, or at least number 14. Love it or leave it. America’s already so great that everyone in the world wants to come here. These are old rightwing white guy talking points. Liberals are the ones who hate America!

The president’s campaign ploys were meticulously and unmistakably designed to match this cognitive dissonance. Patronizing stunts – like enlisting family values favorite Pence as VP and deputizing the Son of Falwell to evangelize family folk who should’ve known better – struck the deepest, darkest dipshit chords among Jesus freaks and jackasses. And they responded, propelling an unreconstructed, unrepentant sinner into the Oval Office.

Essentially, the pussy grabber was just an early pretender who caught the tea party idiot savant wave when it broke and rode gleefully all the way down some east coast highway from New York to Washington in a golden limousine. Fantasizing about fucking his own daughter. You know, just like millions of other good, wholesome American godfearers.

Damning all demographics, he bet that billion dollar smile of his on the lowest common denominator of gulliblelow-income, no-education or informationhillbilly voters. Manifesting and incarnating gliberals’ assumptive bias that: “Yes, indeed, all these rural flyover fucks are idiots.”

Godbotherers and gunlovers never saw it coming. The accused rapist’s trainwreck campaign and unexpected presidency had all just been footage for his latest blockbuster reality show. Ultimately weaponizing the crudest stereotypes of dispirited yokels’ primitive faith and ideology back against them.

Trojan Trump: Candid Candidate. The first and worst of its kind: surreality tv.

Misbegotten. Warped. Hulking. Dripping. Oozing. Brooding. Lumpen. Menacing. Cyclopean.

A grim, ominous vision straight out of LovecraftDaliErnst, or Hunter Thompson’s darkest fascistic, politicalyptic acid nightmare hallucinations.

More articles by:
bernie-the-sandernistas-cover-344x550
July 15, 2019
David Altheide
The Fear Party
Roger Harris
UN High Commissioner on Human Rights Bachelet’s Gift to the US: Justifying Regime Change in Venezuela
John Feffer
Pyongyang on the Potomac
Vincent Kelley
Jeffrey Epstein and the Collapse of Europe
Robert Fisk
Trump’s Hissy-Fit Over Darroch Will Blow a Chill Wind Across Britain’s Embassies in the Middle East
Binoy Kampmark
Juggling with the Authoritarians: Donald Trump’s Diplomatic Fake Book
Dean Baker
The June Jobs Report and the State of the Economy
Michael Hudson – Bonnie Faulkner
De-Dollarizing the American Financial Empire
Kathy Kelly
Remnants of War
B. Nimri Aziz
The Power of Our Human Voice: From Marconi to Woods Hole
Elliot Sperber
Christianity Demands a Corpse 
Weekend Edition
July 12, 2019
Friday - Sunday
Paul Street
Skull of Death: Mass Media, Inauthentic Opposition, and Eco-Existential Reality in a Pre-Fascist Age of Appeasement
T.J. Coles
“Strategic Extremism”: How Republicans and Establishment Democrats Use Identity Politics to Divide and Rule
Rob Urie
Toward an Eco-Socialist Revolution
Gregory Elich
How Real is the Trump Administration’s New Flexibility with North Korea?
Jason Hirthler
The Journalists Do The Shouting
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: Pâté Politics in the Time of Trump and Pelosi
Andrew Levine
The Electoral Circus as the End of Its Initial Phase Looms
David Swanson
Earth Over the Brink
Ron Jacobs
Presidential Papers
Robert Hunziker
The Flawed Food Dependency
Dave Lindorff
Defeating the Trump Administration’s Racist, Republican-Rescuing Census Corruption
Martha Rosenberg
Pathologizing Kids, Pharma Style
Kathleen Wallace
Too Horrible to Understand, Too Horrible to Ignore
Ralph Nader
An Unsurpassable Sterling Record of Stamina!
Paul Tritschler
Restricted View: the British Legacy of Eugenics
John Feffer
Trump’s Bluster Diplomacy
Thomas Knapp
Did Jeffrey Epstein “Belong to Intelligence?”
Nicholas Buccola
Colin Kaepernick, Ted Cruz, Frederick Douglass and the Meaning of Patriotism
P. Sainath
It’s Raining Sand in Rayalaseema
Charles Davis
Donald Trump’s Fake Isolationism
Michael Lukas
Delisting Wolves and the Impending Wolf Slaughter
Evaggelos Vallianatos
Shaking Off Capitalism for Ecological Civilization
Julian Vigo
North America’s Opioid Addiction Problem and the Institutional Machinery Keeping It Alive
Russell Rickford
Lights of Liberty Vigil Remarks
Stansfield Smith
Bernie Sanders’ Present Fight against Corporate Rule vs. the Bernie of 1989
Steve Early
A Plant Closing War, Viewed From Inside
Jill Richardson
The Good News About Trump’s Very Bad Environmental Speech
John Kendall Hawkins
The Language of Languishing: One Kurd’s Journey Into Mythopoesis
Monika Zgustova
Russia and the Manipulation of the Past
Binoy Kampmark
Out of Kilter: National Security and Press Freedoms in Australia
Robert P. Alvarez
Return of the Poll Tax
David Macaray
A Hideous Ending
David Barsamian
The Slide to War with Iran: An Interview with Nader Hashemi
Graham Peebles
Breaking the Spiral of Hate and Intolerance
FacebookTwitterRedditEmail