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Texas Justice: A Parody

Officials in Texas are demanding that the cremains of Thomas Duncan, the first person diagnosed with Ebola on U.S. soil, are criminally prosecuted. Texas Governor Rick Perry is seeking the death penalty, comparing Ebola to both homosexuality and ISIS. “I will protect my constituency and the entire American public,” Perry said at a gun show and Republican fundraiser where supporters cheered and fired bullets into the sky.

Perry began his passionate, rally-the-crowd speech with a shout of “God bless Texas and God bless America” and then provided details about Duncan’s path from Liberia to Texas. Perry said that Duncan assisted a pregnant woman, helped lift her into a taxi that rushed her to a hospital where she was turned away. “Anyone who believes Thomas Duncan didn’t realize this woman had Ebola rather than complications from a miscarriage is too compassionate, too humane,” Perry said, pausing before continuing:

How dare he? How dare Liberian national Thomas Duncan bring this virus to Texas? This is as vile as illegal aliens who’ve committed crimes, crossing our borders and burdening taxpayers, when our hard-earned money is designated not only for war on those who’re determined to threaten our freedoms, those who wish to harm us, but also for closing abortion clinics and educating women as to their place in society as responsible wives and mothers, domestic chefs, homemakers, real women who never have a headache, who launder with love, enthusiastically picking up their husband’s underwear, and who practice obedience—always in deference to men.

Taking advantage of the applause (duration of at least five minutes), Perry’s staff rushed forward to freshen his makeup and coif his hair. Another explosion of bullets rattled the firmament after Perry stepped to the podium and said, “No shard from Thomas Duncan’s urn will escape Texas justice. I personally will follow the smallest ash to the gates of Hell if necessary. God Bless Texas and God Bless America.”

Missy Comley Beattie can be reached at missybeat@gmail.com.

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Missy Beattie has written for National Public Radio and Nashville Life Magazine. She was an instructor of memoirs writing at Johns Hopkins’ Osher Lifelong Learning Institute in BaltimoreEmail: missybeat@gmail.com

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