National Security Adviser Susan Rice recently wound up her stay in China to prepare the November visit of President Obama, President of The Indispensible Nation. She was greeted with due pomp by Xi Jinping, President of China, one of the Dispensible Nations.
I wrote about that visit earlier. A transcript of the interchange was not available at the time, but it has now been provided by anonymous sources, every bit as reliable as those of the NYT’s Chief Military Correspondent, the indispensible Michael R. Gordon. (For those not aware of Gordon’s reportorial prowess, he co-authored, with Judith Miller, the key article on Iraq’s WMD in 2002, which was praised greatly by Vice-President Richard Cheney on the very day it appeared and assigned page one status by the indispensible editors of the Times.)
This reporter noticed similarities in style and nuanced diplomatic language between Rice and Victoria Nuland, the Indispensible Assistant Secretary of State for European and Eurasian Affairs, which makes the authenticity of the transcript even more credible. The transcript is as follows:
Xi: It is a delight to have you here in Beijing, and all China looks forward to President Obama’s forthcoming visit. We hope to discuss the emerging possibility of win-win agreements with your country, which will be a great benefit to East Asia and the entire world.
Rice: Let us not waste your time or mine. Why don’t you get behind our sanctions on Russia and Iran – and Cuba and Venezuela while we are at it. We need to get them to change their behavior and eventually their governments. Defying the Indispensible Nation has consequences in the long term. You should make them keenly aware of that.
Xi: (Surprised). Ms. Rice, as you know, our policy is not to interfere in the internal matters of other nations. That has been our policy for centuries and it remains our policy now. And many of your European partners do not appear to be very enthusiastic about such a course either, especially in the Ukraine, if I may say so.
Rice: (Annoyed). To quote my Indispensible colleague, Victoria Nuland, protégé of our next President, the Indispensible Hillary Clinton, “F**k the EU“ – and Russia too while we are at it.
Xi: (Blushing). Russia is a close partner of ours as we seek to develop our countries and those of Central Asia. We plan a vast trading partnership, a new Silk Road. The United States can also benefit from this.
Rice: (Now Angry). Silk Road? You and I know that is just an attempt to build a Eurasian trade path that bypasses the Oceans, which are under control of the Indispensible Navy. I assure you it will not be a happy venture once Russia collapses.
Xi: (Startled). Russia collapse? Its economy has made great gains since the departure of Yeltsin, and its forms of democracy, largely European, seem to be suited to its culture which has made the country more stable.
Rice: (Furious now). Putin is another Hitler – as everyone who reads in rows not columns knows. We have decided that he and the portion of the Russian elite that does not kowtow to the Indispensible Nation must go. Period, Xi, baby.
Xi: (Remaining composed). We hope that you can look for a win-win situation with our friend Vladimir Putin. We were disturbed to see the emergence of neo-fascist forces in Ukraine, and Russia handled that violent situation in a largely peaceful way. Let us hope Ukraine can now have beneficial relations with both the EU and Russia.
Rice: (Even more infuriated). We’ll see about that. You better be a bit more concerned about Japan, where our friend Mr. Abe is on his way to creating an Asian order that will put China in its proper place.
Xi (Shocked). We are indeed concerned about the rise of militarism in Japan. The forces behind it are the very ones that brought the sufferings of World War II on China and the rest of East Asia. And they are all too similar to the ones that have emerged in Kiev. The world does not need that again. And there is no guarantee that such a development would not turn on the United States in the long run. That would serve no one well.
Rice: We shall see about that. You know I have not even mentioned human rights. You are lucky to get off the hook on that one.
Xi: Every country has its human rights problems. We hope to make more progress but already personal liberties are at an all time high her and improving. Well, I know that you have other preparations to make for the upcoming visit of your president. Please contact me if I can help. (Xi departs.)
Rice (Alone except for an aide.) F**king pr**k.
Xi (Now in another room – to Peng Liyuan). I with I could have Dispensed with that conversation.
John V. Walsh writes for Antiwar.com, CounterPunch.com, DissidentVoice.org, and the Unz Review. For those who may be unsure, yes, this piece is satire. The author can be reached at email@example.com