There’s an emerging crisis that I feel I must bring to the attention of the UN Security Council. There is a planet that is at times only thirty million miles from the Earth. It is called Mars (chillingly, the same name as the Roman god of war). In the past, pieces of Mars have broken off (allegedly during collisions with meteors), and that debris has subsequently struck the Earth. The only response that the Earth has made to these unprovoked attacks is to send a few peaceful space machines to “gather information.” And even two of these craft, the Mars Climate Orbiter and the Mars Polar Lander–both scheduled for “peace landings” on the “Red” planet in late 1999–were never heard from again.
Now there will be those detractors (mostly in the liberal media) who say that there is no evidence that any life, much less intelligent life, exists on Mars, and that even if it did, there is no evidence that such Martians would attacks us, or that they would even be so equipped.
I would ask those people to look at this satellite image of the planet Mars. [see attachment] Notice that we cannot see below the surface of the planet. It is impossible to know what the Martians are planning or constructing in their underground lairs. Also notice the prominent ice caps. As we all know, water is the main precursor to all biological weapons. Experts in extraterrestrial weapons systems tell us that the ruddy complexion of Mars is due to its high iron content. This iron can be made in to steel for the production of everything from small weapons, to medium-sized weapons, to very large weapons. In short, I do not think we can wait and see what the crafty and inscrutable Martians are planning for their next attack on us.
Past actions are a fair prediction of present intentions. Mars has had over three years to account for the two missing Earth probes, and longer than that to reveal any and all weapons of mass destruction, lack of evidence of which only further proves their existence. Yet there has been absolutely no communication from the planet Mars.
Now, I know that the economy is in the toilet, but I call on the Security Council to lead a coalition of the willing to neutralize and disarm the Martians. The cost of this space fleet will be, if you’ll pardon the pun, astronomical, but I must seriously caution the “rationality-huggers” out there. A strike against a perceived threat that has no basis in reality or logic may seem an incredibly foolish venture, but I would argue that the price of doing nothing is far, far greater than the price of acting. Unless the Security Council does not busy itself with the crucial, rational, and inherently moral work of Martian disarmament, it does so at the peril of becoming irrelevant.
TOM GORMAN is the president of The Antiwar Coalition at California State University, Los Angeles. He welcomes comments at firstname.lastname@example.org (Martian appeasers need not respond).