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Dr. Radiofrankenstein and Me

by JOE GIAMBRONE

DR. R: Evil!  You are evil!  You and your socialist lefty agitprop jerks are Satan incarnate, I swear.

ME: Now now.  Did you really think I was going to approve that post on my blog?  Did you actually read the article?  There are links to real evidence on the radioactivity matter.

DR. R: Evil sniveling propagandist, your email was blocked by my spam blocker, but I have finally noticed it.  And so I will call you variants of evil several more times.  For it is your anti-nuclear lunatic luddite tree huggers who are truly responsible for world poverty and sentencing the bulk of humanity to darkness and misery.

ME: Is that so?

DR. R: For I am the way, the light, the power and the glory, demon.  You called us evil, and so neener neener.

ME: I see.  There can be only one.  Two men enter, one man leave.  You do realize I’m out of junior high school for a bit, now?

DR. R: And I am a nuclear physicist working in clinical oncology, and therefore the force is strong in me.  You might as well throw down your light-saber and scurry back into the muck from whence you emerged, insect.

ME: I see.  You don’t debate like I would imagine a nuclear physicist would.  (I better check this clown out.)  Apparently you do have credentials.  You treat cancer?  With radiation?  Yes, I see.  And thus you have cornered the market on the hazards of radiation.  It is your bread and butter.  Well, trying to zap the cancer away, anyhow, that particular specialty, a rather narrow focus no?  How’s that working out for you?

DR. R: I am esteemed, you little turd who isn’t fit to wipe the excrement from my nether regions.  And now the litany of nuclear industry talking points.  You love coal.  Coal is worse.  Nukes don’t kill people.  Ask the UN.  I’m done here.

ME: Uhhh, not so fast.

DR. R: My blinding intellect is light years too fast for you.  Radiation is all around you, background radiation, bananas, yada yada, evil, have I mentioned evil?  Your scare mongering is the greatest sinister plot in the history of the universe.  If Stalin or Mao were alive I’d probably drop their names in.  For shame.

ME: Another oncologist had something different to say on the matter, and I quoted him in a couple of articles.  Said the president of the Italian Association of Medical Oncology, Dr. Carmelo Iacono:

Nuclear radiation is the most carcinogenic thing that exists, and it cannot be kept under control, as the Fukushima tragedy proved.”

DR. R: You can always find one leaf hugging nut to quote. Have I mentioned my credentials yet?

ME: You say you’re some kind of oncologist, no?  So shouldn’t you accept there is a scientific debate raging over this issue?

DR. R: I am not an Oncologist.

ME: But?

DR. R: I’m a Physicist, several cuts above a common oncologist.  Try and keep up.

ME: You don’t actually take the Hippocratic Oath to do no harm?  Like Dr. Iacono?  Whose professional judgment you mocked for acknowledging the dangers of poisoning people with radioisotopes?

DR. R: I wasn’t listening.  I’m in the thesaurus: Nefarious.  Pernicious.  Reprobate.  Odious!

ME: So you’re more about the big machine that goes zap than the little cells that mutate and make people die.

DR. R: Everyone dies, and good riddance.  If you live to 100, there’s a 25% chance of dying from cancer.  Business is good.

ME: Perhaps there’s an explanation for that.  I notice you do a lot of selling nuclear electricity generation in your rants and raves, while you avoid the little trivial details like “cellular disruption,” which is the Center for Disease Control’s own term for what radioactive Cesium does to people’s cells.

DR. R: The world needs energy!  It’s scum like you that screw with the heroic captains of progress with your rules and protests and concerns over having your children poisoned!  You have done more harm to humanity’s aspirations than all of the mad scientists in all the spoof movies ever made.

ME: You do realize that I’ve also researched and promoted clean, renewable, safe energy?

DR. R: Oh yes, that hippie crap is fine and well and we’ll allow it as a miniscule part of “the mix.”  But don’t you dare have the temerity to question the wisdom of the atom, slug.

ME: You don’t seem to have actually read the articles (or this one) you rail against.  I’ve repeatedly given you the link for Chernobyl: Consequences of the Catastrophe for People and the Environment.  Five thousand studies directly dispute your claims concerning the casualties of Chernobyl.  As do the two documentary films, which you apparently couldn’t be bothered to watch.

DR. R: And have I mentioned all the nuclear waste!  It’s idiots like you who have stopped us from dealing with all that waste.  When the spent uranium fuel rods hit the fan, it’s all you.  Your dark lord Lucifer will smile that day, and you’ll run to get in front of the television cameras.

ME: Have they considered the possibility of not producing any more?  I know it’s very complicated to turn the damned thing off, like Italy and Germany, and even Japan had a spell of sanity for a while post-Fukushima, and shut the God damned things down.  But let us get to the actual topic of poisoning populations with radioactive meltdowns.  For or against?

DR. R: For, of course.  Builds character.

ME: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say nay.

DR. R: Hah!  Beat this! 

ME: Uhhh.  You’re losing me, Doc?

DR. R: Nobody’s closing down the chemical industry!  Game, set, match.  We move on.  Bury the bodies, draw a lesson or two, or not, and mankind persists.

ME: Are you trying to displace Mengele in some Hall of Fame reality tv show or something?  Or perhaps Eichmann’s banality is more appropriate here?

DR. R: Snorting radiation is safer than going to the liquor store.  And UNSCEAR agrees.

ME: Yes the “no biomarkers” defense – if they can’t put a fingerprint on the culprit they just assume he’s innocent.

DR. R: The client skates.  Nobody dies from nuclear meltdowns, except maybe from psychosomatic fear induced hysteria.  That’s the real killer.  And some rescue workers, because the UN admits to that.

ME: So rigging the statistics is good science, and we are evil for exposing it, essentially?

DR. R: I take the fifth.

ME: You did, however, admit to quite a few cases of thyroid diseases, including cancers in the children of Ukraine and Belarus.  Your UN couldn’t really hide that one.  The iodine poisoning actually rises to the level of a “biomarker.”

DR. R: Easily treated and dismissed.  Happy happy joy joy all around.

ME: So how many children should you and your nuclear buddies be allowed to fuck up, internally, before we can consider it a legitimate problem?  Are your own kids offered as candidates, perhaps test subjects for iodine exposure?  Or is it just poverty stricken suckers who live too close the disasters?

DR. R: Coal is worse, you monster!  You are coal’s demonic poster boy I say.  Fly to China and see, ignoramus.

ME: And yet not a word on the research cited in the articles concerning Dr. Yuri Bandashevsky and cesium poisoning of the children of the region.  Since you’re not actually an oncologist might you deign to read what one of the world’s top experts on the subject has to say about it?

DR. R: The signal from low levels of ionizing radiation is so weak that anyone can claim anything they like about it and terrorize the public.

ME: It’s not “low” levels in the contaminated regions near the meltdowns.  That’s a propaganda trick.  Dr. Bandashevsky found more than 5Bq/kg body weight cesium contamination causes notable illnesses in children.

DR. R: I have no time to pull up the published, industry funded papers that would dismiss you.

ME: If you’re actually concerned about Chernobyl, there’s the 5,000 studies I keep informing you about, the actual data that pretty much shows you to be a filthy liar.

DR. R: No it’s you, coal boy.  You’re the liar!

ME: Well since you’re the one pretending to be the expert here, while I’m merely the messenger who has brought forth the actual relevant experts, I would say the ball is in your court.  So what’s up doc?

DR. R: We cannot experiment on humans, and all your data is weak.  So people can argue ad infinitum.

ME: Yes it’s really weak when you can’t get the self-professed preening experts to even look at and read the papers.  One might say it doesn’t even exist, it’s so weak.

DR. R: Your scaremongering destroys progress and our beloved standard of living.  So we’re done here.

ME: Except for one thing, they do experiment on humans.  The people of Belarus and Ukraine are experimented on.  The people of Fukushima and Northern Japan are experimented on.  If only your claim was true and they actually stopped experimenting on humans against their wills.

DR. R: I can repeat the nuclear talking points again. 

ME: Instead why don’t you eat some cesium-137, you and your family, and get back to me.  Or better yet, don’t get back to me.  Thanks ever so for stopping by.

Joe Giambrone is considering being more of a jerk in the future and intends The Political Film Blog to prove it.  His satanic novel Hell of a Deal must also please the dark lord, for it is written.

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