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The Boofing of America

Well Susan, you said you got some assurances from Mr. Kavanaugh (now judge) in the private meeting: he won’t overturn Roe v. Wade, he won’t overturn the Affordable Care Act, and he won’t be afraid to be a check on presidential powers.  Still, it’s not like you haven’t been there before (Mitch McConnell’s tax bill promise).  So Ms. Collins, it has to be asked: “Have you been boofed once again?  Please don’t be offended by the term.  The word “boof” really has nothing to do with anal sex; it’s just a silly word some wholesome friends and I like to throw around.  It means “to fool someone” – like when you pull the wool over someone’s eyes.  Heck (notice how I didn’t say “Hell”), we even wrote it in our respectable high school yearbooks, so how could it mean anything nasty?  Anyhow Susan, do you know you did that thing again – the one where you say “No!  Not yet.  First you have to promise”.  I guess it’s become part of your game:  “Not yet” means “Yes”.  Anyhow, I hope it was as good for you as it was for the guys.  They certainly seemed to appreciate it: “How good was Senator Susan Collins yesterday, by the way?” Trump said (he really did).  There was that look on his face though (the gloating one): I think someone just got boofed.  At least you’re not alone Susan, where all right there with you.

Jeff Flake, are you getting ready for your next book?  That “Conscience of a Conservative”was awesome.  You made it sound so real.  I think you can do even better with another: “Elasticity of a Conscience”.  You always appear to resist a little, like you want to pull the party up a notch, only to jump back like you’re on a rubber band.  By the way, it was an excellent show you put on at the confirmation hearings (almost as good as Lindsey’s): there you were; standing up, head kind of bowed, walking out with a couple Democrats like you just couldn’t take it anymore and had do something to bring back a little decency.  What bravery! What a conscience!  You sure made people take notice; you really did, and then (rather sadly, rather predictably), you let them pull you back in again, just like a yo-yo.  Was that spectacle your version of “Not Yet means Yes”?  Anyhow, I hope it was good for you.  I know the guys sure liked it.  Some of them are even bragging about being “Flake Alumni”.  Hey, please don’t be offended by the term – it has nothing to do with getting boofed up the poop chute or anything like that.  It just means they like you. It just means they like you a lot and they hope for a chance to like you again.  They even coined a jingle for you:

You need a “Yes”
He might digress
So don’t be late
When you call on Flake

How about that heroic Joe Manchin?  Joe, it took a lot of guts to go against party and conscience, especially the way you held off on your opinion until the very end and led from behind.  “I have reservations”, blah, blah, blah, “My heart goes out”, blah, blah, blah, and then: “I have found Judge Kavanaugh to be a qualified jurist.”  You were on the fence a long time. I hope all the straddling was good for you, Joe.

Lisa Murkowski was even braver: she stood against her party too…kind of.  She had the guts to say no to the judge, but still found a way to say yes to the party: with all the guys jostling in line to gang rape Lady Justice, Lisa used her “present” position to hold a place for Sen. Steve Daines (he was still out of town).  Thanks to Lisa, Steve avoided sloppy 50th’s.

When someone like Susan Collins has the need to take 45 minutes to explain “yes”, you know there was a lot of “no” getting redacted.  It was probably the remnants of a conscience trying to poke through; kind of like Jeff Flake’s demand for an investigation, but not demanding it to be real.

It’s all a bunch of lies, of course, just as plain as the spurious meanings of “boof”, “Renate alumni”, or “Devil’s Triangle”.  Just those three claims alone were enough for an honest person to dismiss Kavanaugh’s facade of truthfulness.  That should have been enough, even for the Republicans, but it wasn’t.  They covered for him and became liars themselves – all of them, and Joe Manchin too.  They lied, they know they lied, and they know you know they lied.  It’s the same charade your alcoholic dad or uncle insists on; it’s the same charade that our non-alcoholic president insists on (every day). If you lie loud enough, if you lie long enough, it pretty much becomes the truth, right?  If you don’t think so, just ask Lindsey Graham or Mitch McConnell.

So there it was; just enough cover to hide the rot, but not enough to quench the stench.  They smell it, you smell it, and we all know where it’s coming from.

They keep saying the fish rots from the head.  Maybe so, but it sure doesn’t take long for the whole thing to stink; maybe it was all a little ripe to begin with.  Whatever the source, they all smell like the president now – all fifty-one of them; all of them bending over for favors and votes.  To redirect Lindsey’s eloquent phrase:  They’re all slut whore punks now.

“Hey Bart, have you boofed yet?”  Go ahead Bret, mark it on the calendar and take it off the bucket list.

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