Despite waiting almost 2000 years to return to earth, Jesus was turned away at the Mexican order this morning by the Department of Homeland Security, which claimed the Lord had arrived without a proper passport.
“The alien individual said this was ‘the second coming’ but failed to prove that he had been here before,” said John Snaggleburp, a border guard in Texas. “He had some scars and stuff, smelled and wore a funky old bed sheet: He was a weird looking dude.”
The El Paso police, Homeland Security and the White House did not respond to phone calls, although a low ranking official said the White House prayer group was huddled throughout the day, cobbling together a proper public message for the faithful fundamentalists the president relies on for moral support.
“Some may disagree with what we did,” said Tony Snowjob, White House spokesman. “We are in a war against terrorism so there’s a positive political spin here, protecting our country from aliens.”
Snowjob said President Bush had been moved to a secure secret location, while Vice President Cheney was “hunkered in his bunker,” guarded by a contingent of armed private contractors.
Business in the newly created Free-Enterprise Zone beneath the House of Representatives Rotunda, appeared to be brisk everywhere except at the Kool Aid Stand, operated by the former Christian Coalition head, Rudolph Read and Billy Graham. Former Secretary of State Colon Powell stopped between shoeshines to blame the intrusion on Condoleezza Rice and former President Clinton for not establishing direct relations with God. Tommy Franks and Paul Bremer said they sold surface-to-air missiles, anti-missile systems, and anti-aircraft guns to several NRA and KKK groups in Arizona, Utah, Colorado and Montana.
Several religious leaders supported the Homeland Security action, including Pat Robertson, who said President Bush told him that the Lord should have contacted him directly to announce his coming. “You would think that Jesus, who has close personal contact with God, would have called the president to tell him he was coming,” said Robertson. “In an age of false gods, you can’t trust anyone.”
The Army, Navy and Air Force are on high alert with orders to shoot down any alien objects, which may penetrate the US homeland or US occupied and controlled Iraq or Afghanistan. A spokesman for the Air Force claimed the Joint Chiefs of Staff were in turmoil because of the failure of the $180 trillion anti-missile defense system designed to detect any foreign invader. “We knew the damned system didn’t work when we bought it, but it was supposed to work by now,” said Major General Handy Swipe, commander of the Heavenly Missile Group in Hisworship, Kansas.
Brawls broke out in several Southern cities as tens of thousands crowded into churches that claim to be packed with those who “refuse to be left behind.” Southern Baptists leaders called for calm after their followers burned 187 black churches. “We ain’t intergratin’ with’em here, and we ain’t intergratin’ with’em in the hereafter neither,” said Sandy Kiddlehopper, Grand Wizard of the KKK.
Catholic Cardinal Eddie Eggon of New York said he had received no word of a second coming from the Vatican. A spokesman for the Cardinal said, “if and when Jesus returns, the Pope will be the first to be informed, and not some holy-roller country bumpkin in Washington D. C. The Bible is very clear on this point. The Pope called this morning to assure us that he had heard of no planned visits by God, his son or other Holy Ghosts.”
Shirley MacLaine told Fox Crusader News that she is filing an $825 million lawsuit for copyright infringement against the Baptist Church for advertising, “The Second Coming.” “It’s not fair for fundamentalists to interfere with my business,” MacLaine said. “They don’t have to pay taxes and they continually lie to people. They’ve been talking about, ‘the Second Coming’ for 2000 years and nothing’s happened. As soon as I copyright the term, they start proclaiming ‘The Second Coming’ again!”
Activity in states around the country varied widely, with few reporting the panic that gripped the South. Shopping malls in Southern California did a blockbuster business, and employers refused to allow employees to leave early. Authorities in Utah called out the National Guard to herd suitcase laden Mormon Church members into LDS Temple Square, while beaches in Florida were packed with nude sunbathers.
“We could use some excitement down here,” said a participant in the Mardi Gras Parade, Joe Doaks, a former resident of the New Orleans Ninth Ward. “It’s been slow as gravy since Bush moved everyone out.”
DON MONKERUD is a California-based writer who follows cultural, social and political issues. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.