FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

The Wayward Airplane

We had another one of those terror alert thingies just the other day. A small airplane flew very close to the capitol buildings where they used to run the US government. 35,000 human beings, plus the entire legislature, were evacuated from the area. The government was shut down and America’s #1 librarian was hustled down into the secret war bunkers underneath the undisclosed location. Fighter jets chased after the small airplane. To read the news accounts, the guys flying the small airplane must have been pretty foggy on events of the last few years, because they were buzzing along closer and closer to the pretty round-topped building with all the columns in front until they noticed all the planes with missiles around them.

I regret missing the fun, but I was terribly busy working and didn’t hear about it until it was all over. This puts me in the company of only one other guy: the president. Yes, kiddies, gather round Uncle’s knee and I’ll tell you a tale. The president, which is what we call George W. Bush for lack of a spicier vilification, was riding his bicycle through a pleasant wooded area while the United States capitol was being evacuated. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but for George it’s a very big deal indeed, because this was a bicycle with two wheels and no training wheels at all. A great big grown-up bike just like the one he fell off and skinned his face last year. He’s very brave to get back on a bicycle after that, don’t you think?

Around and around the path he rode, and meanwhile tens of thousands of terrified federal workers were evacuating in all directions only a few miles away. Around and around. Now George doesn’t ride his bicycle alone, because that would be very dangerous (if you’re him). He has lots and lots of bodyguards with special devices inserted in their ears that allow them to communicate with other people far away, just like George wore during the debates. People in the capitol told them all about how the small airplane was flying closer and closer to George’s place of employment (when you think about it, a terrorist would have to be really stupid to attack George’s office, because the odds of George being there are so slim. Ever noticed how whenever anything happens, George is interrupted during a vacation at his ranch in Joan Crawford, Texas? That’s because he’s always on vacation. I think people might start catching on, if they’re ever so clever like you are, children.)

The Secret Service, which is what George’s bodyguards are called on account of it sounds cool, all knew about the situation at the capitol right away. But for another three-quarters of an hour, nobody told George. He just rode around and around. When I was very small, people said the president should be in charge of things. Certainly this is the impression I got from movies and things. The president is the man that comes into the room and bangs his fist on the desk and yells, “Stalemate? Like hell it is, we’re going in there!” and sends the fighter jets laden with Rambo to go blow up the bad guys. George has even cultivated this image himself. Remember when he landed on that aircraft carrier wearing that butch S&M harness? But there wasn’t really anything going on at the time. Now we have a real emergency! George could ride his bike all the way back to the office, jog up the steps, and shoot down the wayward airplane all by himself with the flak guns on the roof of the White House. Can do! Right stuff! But he didn’t. The Secret Service let him ride his bicycle in peace.

Here’s what I’m getting at, gang. It’s okay if I don’t know what’s going on in Washington. I’m even busier than the president, after all, and I need to concentrate pretty hard in the late mornings to get anything done. I’ve told my people, “Nobody bother me with federal emergencies, I’m working.” And that’s okay, because I’m not running the country. But it really bothers me that George W. Bush, who is ostensibly in charge of country-running activities, has clearly told his people something similar. Except what he told them was, “Nobody bother me with federal emergencies, I’m riding my bicycle.” I think it’s time somebody told our pal George that he’s not running the parks & recreation department, he’s running the entire nation. It’s enough to make a fellow evacuate.

BEN TRIPP is an independent filmmaker and all-around swine.
His book, Square In The Nuts, may be purchased here, with other outlets to follow: http://www.lulu.com/Squareinthenuts . Swag is available as always from http://www.cafeshops/tarantulabros . And Mr. Tripp may be reached at credel@earthlink.net.

 

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

More articles by:

December 13, 2018
John Davis
What World Do We Seek?
Subhankar Banerjee
Biological Annihilation: a Planet in Loss Mode
Lawrence Davidson
What the Attack on Marc Lamont Hill Tells Us
James McEnteer
Breathless
Ramzy Baroud
The Real Face of Justin Trudeau: Are Palestinians Canada’s new Jews?
Dean Baker
Pelosi Would Sabotage the Progressive Agenda With a Pay-Go Rule
Elliot Sperber
Understanding the Yellow Vests Movement Through Basic Color Theory 
Rivera Sun
The End of the NRA? Business Magazines Tell Activists: The Strategy is Working
Kevin Zeese - Margaret Flowers
Historic Opportunity to Transform Trade
December 12, 2018
Arshad Khan
War, Anniversaries and Lessons Never Learned
Paul Street
Blacking Out the Yellow Vests on Cable News: Corporate Media Doing its Job
Kenneth Surin
The Brexit Shambles Rambles On
David Schultz
Stacking the Deck Against Democracy in Wisconsin
Steve Early
The Housing Affordability Crisis and What Millennials Can do About It
George Ochenski
Collaboration Failure: Trump Trashes Sage Grouse Protections
Rob Seimetz
Bringing a Life Into a Dying World: A Letter From a Father to His Unborn Son
Michael Howard
PETA and the ‘S’-Word
John Kendall Hawkins
Good Panopt, Bad Panopt: Does It Make A Difference?
Kim C. Domenico
Redeeming Utopia: a Meditation On An Essay by Ursula LeGuin
Binoy Kampmark
Exhuming Franco: Spain’s Immemorial Divisions
ADRIAN KUZMINSKI
Democratizing Money
Laura Finley
Congress Must Reauthorize VAWA
December 11, 2018
Eric Draitser
AFRICOM: A Neocolonial Occupation Force?
Sheldon Richman
War Over Ukraine?
Louis Proyect
Why World War II, Not the New Deal, Ended the Great Depression
Howard Lisnoff
Police Violence and Mass Policing in the U.S.
Mark Ashwill
A “Patriotic” Education Study Abroad Program in Viet Nam: God Bless America, Right or Wrong!
Laura Flanders
HUD Official to Move into Public Housing?
Nino Pagliccia
Resistance is Not Terrorism
Matthew Johnson
See No Evil, See No Good: The Truth Is Not Black and White
Maria Paez Victor
How Reuters Slandered Venezuela’s Social Benefits Card
December 10, 2018
Jacques R. Pauwels
Foreign Interventions in Revolutionary Russia
Richard Klin
The Disasters of War
Katie Fite
Rebranding Bundy
Gary Olson
A Few Thoughts on Politics and Personal Identity
Patrick Cockburn
Brexit Britain’s Crisis of Self-Confidence Will Only End in Tears and Rising Nationalism
Andrew Moss
Undocumented Citizen
Dean Baker
Trump and China: Going With Patent Holders Against Workers
Lawrence Wittner
Reviving the Nuclear Disarmament Movement: a Practical Proposal
Dan Siegel
Thoughts on the 2018 Elections and Beyond
Thomas Knapp
Election 2020: I Can Smell the Dumpster Fires Already
Weekend Edition
December 07, 2018
Friday - Sunday
Steve Hendricks
What If We Just Buy Off Big Fossil Fuel? A Novel Plan to Mitigate the Climate Calamity
Jeffrey St. Clair
Cancer as Weapon: Poppy Bush’s Radioactive War on Iraq
Paul Street
The McCain and Bush Death Tours: Establishment Rituals in How to be a Proper Ruler
Jason Hirthler
Laws of the Jungle: The Free Market and the Continuity of Change
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail