Billionaire Bunker Bastards

Photo by Nandor Muzsik

It’s making the rounds on social media, references to something like 15 billionaires working on end of the world style bunkers. Considerable effort has been put into debunking some of these numbers, and it’s difficult to find clear evidence of that many, but there is certainly some truth to where there is an intake and exhaust vent there’s a fraud below. It is fairly amazing to consider the vast societal infrastructure and labor that allowed these billionaires to grow and metastasize are precisely what these bloated pillagers are now looking to hide from. Even non-billionaire, but billionaire adjacent/accomplice Joe Biden is said to be building one in Delaware (that one is pretty hard to pin down and prove though). What is that saying? When people show you who they are, believe them? Perhaps if the wealthy show you that they realize they are creating an untenable and dangerous world necessitating that they hide in a den, perhaps we should believe them and maybe try to stop them from creating a world so terrible you need to go subterranean to survive.

Rumors definitely swirl about numerous underground locations and possible nefarious plots surrounding the sites. Some of the stories are probably ridiculous, but I suspect truth behind at least some of the tales. People who indicated that something was up (or down) at The Greenbrier Resort in West Virginia over the years were ridiculed until it came out that yes, underneath the hotel was a spot hollowed out for the continuation of Congress during the Eisenhower years. Now you can go on a “Bunker Tour” for $47 per person, which includes sales tax! Places definitely are set aside for continuation of this hellscape, places likely with a purpose for those more powerful, wealthy and connected than the vast majority of us. It would be foolish to think there aren’t plan Z’s in place for those individuals. They know what a shitshow they’ve created up here.

A particular favorite place I enjoy digging into for elite bastard conspiracy lore is Denver International Airport. If you’ve been there, perhaps you’ve noticed the unique greeting at the entrance from “The Blue Mustang”, also known informally to his friends as Blucifer. An enormous and very angry looking horse, that one. He kind of sets the tone for the place. The red eyed stallion fell on his creator, sculptor Luis Jiménez during its creation and severed an artery in the artist’s leg, eventually killing him. That is, killing Luis–Blucifer is very much alive, as his red eyes and lust for continued destruction attest. Anyway, the construction of the airport went way over budget and a lot of it had to do with massive earth-moving. They say it was a failed attempt at creating a new type of baggage transit network underground. Those of a conspiracy ilk say that’s a perfect cover for creating The Greenbrier times one thousand under there. It doesn’t help that the artwork of the place has a distinctly dystopian feel, complete with people in gas-masks and other not really feel-good art for the masses. What are they trying to say to us? Denver International has leaned into the Illuminati rumors and often stages practical jokes: a “leaked” April 1st online page had details about “a private site for our new ‘elite’ New World Order travelers who value privacy and exclusivity.” Hiding in plain (plane?) site underground, I’d say.

We can even thank Obama for some of the recent interest in underground bunkers and end of the world scenarios. I am about to do spoilers for the Netflix movie Leave the World Behind. But trust me, don’t watch it. Obama was referring to this movie’s test screening audience when he said “we tortured some folks”. Yes, this movie sucks. The Obamas are executive producers of it through their “Higher Ground Productions”…..higher ground—hmmm, who the hell do they think they are fooling with that name? Anyway, the movie ends with this kid discovering the only thing that looks to save humanity……a well stocked bunker with Alexandria library level civilization finds such as dvds of Friends. Maybe that’s what the original library of Alexandria contained, and if so, I’m glad they let it burn.

But this bunker zeitgeist is everywhere these days. The latest foray into bunker building that has really captured major attention is the sprawling underground compound construction on Kauai from Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. Estimates for cost place it at up to 270 million dollars if land prices are included (truly chump change for him)– but certainly enough cash when thrown around a small island, paired with non-disclosure agreements, to wreak havoc for local autonomy, flora, fauna, and per capita asshole numbers. It’s a 1400 acre compound with a reported 5,000 square foot underground shelter. Considering that this is but one of Zuckerberg’s over the top properties, it makes a person wonder how many social ills could be alleviated or eliminated with the resources this Smaug impersonator is keeping to himself. He could probably end homelessness with the sale of his Augustus Caesar statues alone. But then his wife wouldn’t be able to replicate his haircuts with such precision without them.

Bunkers have been lurking in the American psyche for decades now. A particular moment in time for them was the Cold War era. Why back then even a one income family with the mom in the home could build their own doomsday bunker! Just another example of how far America has fallen. Average Americans could indulge their misanthropic fantasies, now it’s only for the elite! JFK was urging Americans to build one…..“fallout protection for every American as rapidly as possible”.

It’s definitely a uniquely American notion to heavy handily promote an unstable world and the first answer to it isn’t a change in behavior or a lighter footprint on the backs of places like the global south…. or even facing obvious existential questions about how the world clicked along for millennia without a need to hide underground (yes nerds, I know about Derinkuyu in Turkey, but you know what I mean)….no the obvious answer is to piss everyone off internationally and then hide in a den because you’ve shit the surface. The billionaires are the modern and distilled version of this. All of the toxic trends of the past melted down into creepy “they walk with us” individuals that exemplify the worst of late-stage capitalistic hegemony.

But all of this said, deep-down I’m an American and I don’t plan to push for any kind of collective solution to these daunting and systemic problems we face. I may not be a billionaire, just a temporarily embarrassed non-bunker owner, but I am setting that straight. I will dig my own bunker. I am setting down my shovel for a moment to write this, but I must continue to dig: “She loves to limbo, that much is clear. She’s got the right dynamic for the new frontier.”

Kathleen Wallace writes out of the US Midwest. Her writing is collected on her Substack page.