The New Mayor of New York

(The following is a transcript of a speech delivered Monday, August 12, by Eon Pig Eon, the self-proclaimed new Mayor of New York City.)

Esteemed guests, thank you for coming. I’ll get right to the point. The city, and the country, and the planet are in the midst of an unprecedented set of crises at the moment: ecological, economical, and others. And it’s only going to get worse. And where’s the mayor? He’s in Iowa, slurping corn dogs. Now, I know it’s not polite to talk this way, but you’ve got to be some sort of an asshole to eat so many corn dogs. And when it comes to assholes I know of few others as monumental as Bill de Blasio. I mean, let’s face it, he’s pretty much just one enormous asshole. There’s not much else to him at all. No, those aren’t his arms and legs, they are just oddly-shaped extensions of his giant asshole-body; likewise, that is not a head on top of his neck, or a face; no! more oddly shaped extensions…

Oh, my Lord! I’ve digressed. The point, though, is this: de Blasio has been in Iowa for a long time now: holding corn dogs with those admirably dexterous extensions of his giant asshole body, and sticking them into what appears to be a mouth, but is, in actuality, merely the other side of his giant asshole self — his giant asshole self which is in Iowa because he wants to be the Hippopotamus. No, that’s not right. Hippotapomus? Hippomapotus! POTUS! President! Yes, he wants to be president. President of US — of all of US.

Well, he’s probably just doing it to make money. He can’t be so delusional as to think that he can win, right? And running for office, you know, can bring in lots of dough. And anyone paying attention to this deadbeat dad of a mayor’s mayoralty could see right away that duh Blahsio doesn’t give a squirt about the city at all; he’s only interested in building bland and grand high-rises (not to create housing, as he claims, but to rake in the lucre). Being mayor for him is simply a means to make money. He has no interest in Gotham. By the way, did you know that the name Gotham literally means Goat Town? Yes, Washington Irving applied it to New York City as a term of derision. Do I know history or what? There was, it seems, a town called Gotham, in medieval days, that was legendary for its stupidity and filth. But even a place of monumental stupidity and filth (especially, arguably, a place of stupidity and filth) should have a mayor. And what’s the point of having a mayor who’s in Iowa. A mayor who’s in Iowa is not here. And a mayor who’s absent is the same as a mayor who doesn’t exist. Such a mayor’s no mayor at all. That’s basic logic. Right? And by not existing his office is vacant. But who will step in? The answer is: I will. I am stepping in right now. I am right now, and you are all bearing witness to this, stepping into the office of mayor. Me: Eon Pig Eon. Mayor Pig Eon. First in time, and first in right.

You might think: a pigeon? What’s a pigeon know about running a city? The answer is: plenty! Pigeons know all about housing, and that all housing should be free. But is it free for pigeons? No, it’s not. It appears to be free, but it’s not. We put up with a lot of violence. That’s why, as mayor, I’ll make sure that all of us have free housing — not just free from rent (that attenuated violence committed by landlords), but free from the violence of cars and pollution too. After all, isn’t that the point? To be free from violence? Secure? Yes, it is. So free housing is a no-brainer.

By the way, concerning the very word landlord (not to mention the accompanying institution), what kind of “judeo-christian” land is this that’s got so many lords in it anyway? Isn’t there supposed to be only one lord? Lord of pigeons and people alike? And hasn’t this one Lord given us this Earth to share? Yes, but — and this is important — not to share with cars! Those incarnations of homicidal and ecocidal violence must go. That’s why, in addition to banning the collection of rent, and imposing a moratorium on evictions, I will be commanding the Department of Transportation to deposit boulders in all the streets’ parking spaces, and up and down many streets and avenues, throughout the city. Don’t worry, this won’t hinder the buses. But it will allow the streets to be dug up and turned into nourishing, irenic gardens. We’ll have vertical farms, too. And food will be free, in addition to housing (and transportation). Why should only the pigeons get free food? Well, it’s not really free for us either, is it? It’s full of hidden costs. How well do you think you can live just eating pizza crusts?

Anyway, in addition to our free healthcare program, we’ll be feeding and housing all in need starting tomorrow. Don’t worry, contrary to the disinformation from the landlord class, there are tons of vacancies. And not just residential vacancies. Just open your eyes! There are vacant stores everywhere! Sorry landlords, but there’s only one Lord, and it’s not you! And since de Blasio’s forfeited his mayoralty, and I’m the first to proclaim myself the new Mayor of New York City, you’ll just have to deal. And if you landlords and your police department don’t like it you can all go to Jersey. I’m sure we’ll all get along fine without you.

Elliot Sperber is a writer, attorney, and adjunct professor. He lives in New York City and can be reached at and on twitter @elliot_sperber