And Just Like That: Free Market Democracy!

And Just Like That,” the perimenopausal revamp of Sex and the City, deeply sucks. But its first season also sucked me and just about every other radical commie-queer I know into its orbit. We are powerless before the magnetic friendship of Carrie, Charlotte, and Miranda, who work tirelessly to create a luxurious political incorrectness that charms even as it disgusts.

That’s because “And Just Like That” is part of a vast communist conspiracy – only capitalist. I know because I obtained security-cam footage from a secret “study session” the girls held at the end of Season One. Here’s the transcript. And, so all you commie-queers can fully comprehend the danger we face, I’ve translated it into post-Soviet Marxist-Leninism.

[Scene: corporate boardroom somewhere in Manhattan’s Financial District. Affixed to back wall is large flat-screen TV with sound off, tuned to news channel NY1, which broadcasts weather forecast. Seated at polished rainforest-wood table is Charlotte York Goldenblatt. Looking pertly at the screen, she turns as door opens, revealing group leader Carrie Bradshaw.]

CARRIE:    Greetings, comrade! I – grief-stricken 55-year-old debutante widow, living on fabulous fortune of deceased white-male husband – apologize for lateness. [Stylishly flinging $645 coat onto chair] Was instructed by Free Market Democracy to obtain lengthy Botox treatment.

CHARLOTTE: [Rising to embrace Carrie] It is I, comrade – 54-year-old Park Avenue wife and mother – who must apologize for super-puffy lips, accident of unlucky facelift.

CARRIE:    Sacrifice necessary for Free Market Democracy, comrade!

CHARLOTTE: But comrade. On 1990s TV show Golden Girls, Comrade Betty White, Comrade Rue McClanahan – also in mid-50s – allowed to show age with dignity.

CARRIE:    Dignity not part of current Free Market Plan, comrade. Today, masses demand fun of seeing bad cosmetic surgery on AARP-worthy celebrities. Masses are consoled, since they cannot afford surgery in first place. [TV shows soundless NY1 news story, “Senior housing program could see uptick due to eviction moratorium”]

CHARLOTTE: Understood, comrade. [Booting up iPad Pro] Please to inform further. I wish to learn.

CARRIE:    We discuss possible Season Two of show. I bring instructions from Free Market Democracy.

CHARLOTTE: But where is Comrade 55-year-old attorney-finding-self-through-alcoholism-and-adult-education Miranda?

MIRANDA:   On cue, comrades! [Bounces in, out of breath, her torn Giorgio Armani blouse revealing many hickeys] Fuck lateness – I follow heart! Today I am divorcing of boring, slightly deaf husband and then enjoying of much sex with nonbinary, ultra-liberated podcast host of color, Che!

CHARLOTTE: Tsk, Comrade. Why so mean to spousal-unit Steve?

MIRANDA:   Because hot lesbo luv, comrade! Hot lesbo luv justify leaving career! Justify writing out of script male-and-pale hubby, even though he is much kinder person than I! Justify erotic bedroom scene offering close-up of personal sex-nipple!

CHARLOTTE: Ooh! Nipple! And yet, comrade, do we not also labor in fragility under burden of white privilege?

MIRANDA:   Feh! I mock white privilege with fun racial gaffes! In script, I don’t recognize Black woman as teacher – because of her braids! HA HA, joke is on me! I say, “braids are different than hair in photo … I knew you were Black when” –

[Breaking character; to audience] Jesus, who writes this shit? I’ll never be able to run for office in New York again.

CARRIE:    [Taking control] Comrade! Writing of show unimportant. Important is endless parade of expensive, ultra-chic clothes!

CHARLOTTE: Ooh! Clothes!

[On NY1, NYC Mayor Eric Adams speaks, juxtaposed with shots of orange-suited Rikers detainees being herded by guards]

CARRIE:    Clothes essential, comrade. Also placement of products bearing quality brand names.

MIRANDA:   Intriguing, comrade. [Pulling out notepad] So female and queer masses view products with longing? Products appear to possess magical properties, unrelated to labor that produced them?

CARRIE:    Excellent, comrade! This is “commodity fetishism,” genius of Free Market Democracy! Masses see human relationships as calibrated by products – while people are treated as things!

CHARLOTTE: Ooh! Things! I am learning!

CARRIE:    Masses then crave to join show’s lifestyle of carefree power by purchase of $7,000 Apple laptops, $1,400 Manolo Blahniks, $1,600 Peloton exercise bikes –

CHARLOTTE: Ah, comrade. [Sighs] So sad, death of husband Mr. Big, following heavy Peloton workout.

CARRIE:    Saddest part is bad publicity for Peloton, comrade.

MIRANDA:   Moment of silence for Peloton. [PAUSE] [NY1 broadcasts commercial for Broadway musical, “The Lion King”]

CARRIE:    On to Season Two, comrades! For continued world domination, Free Market Democracy demands we upgrade show’s operating system of white supremacy; install “wokeness”! Each Caucasian leading character is provided with at least one beautiful friend of color.

CHARLOTTE: Ooh! Color! New characters of color are fashionable accessories for less beautiful Caucasian principals.

MIRANDA:   True! Mexican-Irish Che is cutest character on show! [Sighing, dreamily] Che… Oh Che… Name chosen by focus group to invoke murdered Latinx revolutionary, Che Guevara! Dashing macho image conjure viral cuteness, Black Lives Matter protests, sexy overthrow of capitalist bourgeois –

CARRIE:    [Aghast, pounding on table] Comrade! We do not promote revolution! Is specifically forbidden by big pharma, social media platforms, weapons systems, and several kombucha manufacturers! [Meanwhile, NY1 anchor Ruschell Boone covers BLM protest]

CHARLOTTE: Ooh! Kombucha! Say, comrades – were we not once foursome? Where is funny sex-addict and breast-cancer survivor, Samantha?

MIRANDA:   She hate our woke guts, comrade.

CARRIE:    Sh-sh-sh – do not speak of ex-comrade. On show, we text her with friendship; in reality, Free Market Democracy deport Samantha to offshore vibrator factory, there to labor many years. See? [She points to NY1, now showing Samantha in rags on assembly line, sweaty and fainting]

MIRANDA:   Wow, look at that, comrades. Thanks to commodity fetishism, I feel nothing.

CARRIE: Agreed. World contains oppressed workers, injustice, famine, and many protesters, comrades. But Free Market Democracy convince masses to buy TVs, stay home and –

ALL:  They watch Season Two! All Power to Free Market Democracy! “And Just Like That– by any means necessary!

[NY1 cuts to aerial shots of mobilizing tanks, planes; map of Ukraine/Russian border…]

©    susie day, 2022


And Just Like That vs. The Golden Girls – AGES.

NY1, seniors.

Miranda’s “braids” lines.

And Just Like That – Wokeness.

Ruschell Boone, “Reporter’s Notebook: Covering the Black Lives Matter Protests While Black“.

susie day writes about prison, policing, and political activism. She’s also written political satire, a collection of which, Snidelines: Talking Trash to Power, was published in 2014. In 2020, her book, The Brother You Choose: Paul Coates and Eddie Conway Talk About Life, Politics, and The Revolution was published by Haymarket. She lives in New York City with her partner, the infamous Laura Whitehorn.