“And Just Like That,” the perimenopausal revamp of Sex and the City, deeply sucks. But its first season also sucked me and just about every other radical commie-queer I know into its orbit. We are powerless before the magnetic friendship of Carrie, Charlotte, and Miranda, who work tirelessly to create a luxurious political incorrectness that charms even as it disgusts.
That’s because “And Just Like That” is part of a vast communist conspiracy – only capitalist. I know because I obtained security-cam footage from a secret “study session” the girls held at the end of Season One. Here’s the transcript. And, so all you commie-queers can fully comprehend the danger we face, I’ve translated it into post-Soviet Marxist-Leninism.
[Scene: corporate boardroom somewhere in Manhattan’s Financial District. Affixed to back wall is large flat-screen TV with sound off, tuned to news channel NY1, which broadcasts weather forecast. Seated at polished rainforest-wood table is Charlotte York Goldenblatt. Looking pertly at the screen, she turns as door opens, revealing group leader Carrie Bradshaw.]
CARRIE: Greetings, comrade! I – grief-stricken 55-year-old debutante widow, living on fabulous fortune of deceased white-male husband – apologize for lateness. [Stylishly flinging $645 coat onto chair] Was instructed by Free Market Democracy to obtain lengthy Botox treatment.
CHARLOTTE: [Rising to embrace Carrie] It is I, comrade – 54-year-old Park Avenue wife and mother – who must apologize for super-puffy lips, accident of unlucky facelift.
CARRIE: Sacrifice necessary for Free Market Democracy, comrade!
CHARLOTTE: But comrade. On 1990s TV show Golden Girls, Comrade Betty White, Comrade Rue McClanahan – also in mid-50s – allowed to show age with dignity.
CARRIE: Dignity not part of current Free Market Plan, comrade. Today, masses demand fun of seeing bad cosmetic surgery on AARP-worthy celebrities. Masses are consoled, since they cannot afford surgery in first place. [TV shows soundless NY1 news story, “Senior housing program could see uptick due to eviction moratorium”]
CHARLOTTE: Understood, comrade. [Booting up iPad Pro] Please to inform further. I wish to learn.
CARRIE: We discuss possible Season Two of show. I bring instructions from Free Market Democracy.
CHARLOTTE: But where is Comrade 55-year-old attorney-finding-self-through-alcoholism-and-adult-education Miranda?
MIRANDA: On cue, comrades! [Bounces in, out of breath, her torn Giorgio Armani blouse revealing many hickeys] Fuck lateness – I follow heart! Today I am divorcing of boring, slightly deaf husband and then enjoying of much sex with nonbinary, ultra-liberated podcast host of color, Che!
CHARLOTTE: Tsk, Comrade. Why so mean to spousal-unit Steve?
MIRANDA: Because hot lesbo luv, comrade! Hot lesbo luv justify leaving career! Justify writing out of script male-and-pale hubby, even though he is much kinder person than I! Justify erotic bedroom scene offering close-up of personal sex-nipple!
CHARLOTTE: Ooh! Nipple! And yet, comrade, do we not also labor in fragility under burden of white privilege?
MIRANDA: Feh! I mock white privilege with fun racial gaffes! In script, I don’t recognize Black woman as teacher – because of her braids! HA HA, joke is on me! I say, “braids are different than hair in photo … I knew you were Black when” –
[Breaking character; to audience] Jesus, who writes this shit? I’ll never be able to run for office in New York again.
CARRIE: [Taking control] Comrade! Writing of show unimportant. Important is endless parade of expensive, ultra-chic clothes!
CHARLOTTE: Ooh! Clothes!
[On NY1, NYC Mayor Eric Adams speaks, juxtaposed with shots of orange-suited Rikers detainees being herded by guards]
CARRIE: Clothes essential, comrade. Also placement of products bearing quality brand names.
MIRANDA: Intriguing, comrade. [Pulling out notepad] So female and queer masses view products with longing? Products appear to possess magical properties, unrelated to labor that produced them?
CARRIE: Excellent, comrade! This is “commodity fetishism,” genius of Free Market Democracy! Masses see human relationships as calibrated by products – while people are treated as things!
CHARLOTTE: Ooh! Things! I am learning!
CARRIE: Masses then crave to join show’s lifestyle of carefree power by purchase of $7,000 Apple laptops, $1,400 Manolo Blahniks, $1,600 Peloton exercise bikes –
CHARLOTTE: Ah, comrade. [Sighs] So sad, death of husband Mr. Big, following heavy Peloton workout.
CARRIE: Saddest part is bad publicity for Peloton, comrade.
MIRANDA: Moment of silence for Peloton. [PAUSE] [NY1 broadcasts commercial for Broadway musical, “The Lion King”]
CARRIE: On to Season Two, comrades! For continued world domination, Free Market Democracy demands we upgrade show’s operating system of white supremacy; install “wokeness”! Each Caucasian leading character is provided with at least one beautiful friend of color.
CHARLOTTE: Ooh! Color! New characters of color are fashionable accessories for less beautiful Caucasian principals.
MIRANDA: True! Mexican-Irish Che is cutest character on show! [Sighing, dreamily] Che… Oh Che… Name chosen by focus group to invoke murdered Latinx revolutionary, Che Guevara! Dashing macho image conjure viral cuteness, Black Lives Matter protests, sexy overthrow of capitalist bourgeois –
CARRIE: [Aghast, pounding on table] Comrade! We do not promote revolution! Is specifically forbidden by big pharma, social media platforms, weapons systems, and several kombucha manufacturers! [Meanwhile, NY1 anchor Ruschell Boone covers BLM protest]
CHARLOTTE: Ooh! Kombucha! Say, comrades – were we not once foursome? Where is funny sex-addict and breast-cancer survivor, Samantha?
MIRANDA: She hate our woke guts, comrade.
CARRIE: Sh-sh-sh – do not speak of ex-comrade. On show, we text her with friendship; in reality, Free Market Democracy deport Samantha to offshore vibrator factory, there to labor many years. See? [She points to NY1, now showing Samantha in rags on assembly line, sweaty and fainting]
MIRANDA: Wow, look at that, comrades. Thanks to commodity fetishism, I feel nothing.
CARRIE: Agreed. World contains oppressed workers, injustice, famine, and many protesters, comrades. But Free Market Democracy convince masses to buy TVs, stay home and –
ALL: They watch Season Two! All Power to Free Market Democracy! “And Just Like That” – by any means necessary!
[NY1 cuts to aerial shots of mobilizing tanks, planes; map of Ukraine/Russian border…]
© susie day, 2022
References.
And Just Like That vs. The Golden Girls – AGES.
NY1, seniors.
Miranda’s “braids” lines.
And Just Like That – Wokeness.
Ruschell Boone, “Reporter’s Notebook: Covering the Black Lives Matter Protests While Black“.
