If I Were a National Republican Lawmaker

If a man, I would dress as a woman. If a woman, I would dress as a man.

I would buy a horse and, without resting, would go non-stop to Montana and remain there in the woods. Forever.

I would erase the word shame from my dictionary.

I would also erase the words law, maker, decency, responsibility, morality, duty.

I would tell my children that they have the right to be ashamed of me.

I would tell my children that, if they want to be respected, they should do exactly as I did, only in the opposite way.

I would go into a circus, strangle the clown, steal his clothes, and wear them myself.

I would buy a no-return ticket to Siberia.

I would volunteer as a traveler to the moon. Next trip.

I would shoot a person on 5th Ave., New York.

I would hide under my bed, refuse to go out, and tell my children it is a new game I invented.

I would stop shedding crocodile tears for things I have condoned/encouraged for 4 years.

I would start looking for a new job. According to my qualifications, janitor is a definite possibility. If moral qualifications are considered, then it is not.

I would start singing “If I were a coward maaaannn…” to the tune of Fiddler on the Roof as a background.

Dr. Cesar Chelala is a co-winner of the 1979 Overseas Press Club of America award for the article “Missing or Disappeared in Argentina: The Desperate Search for Thousands of Abducted Victims.”