So, Joseph Biden, AKA “Kid Senile,” leads in the polls against Donald Trump, AKA “Kid Fascist Lunatic,” by such a large margin that it resembles a horse race in which one of the horses is an aged wiener dog with three legs.
Right now, even though the polling does not account for the millions of voters who have been unceremoniously booted from the voter rolls, many people believe Biden is going to become the next drunken pilot of the American Empire — a position which has less power than most people imagine as the Military Industrial Complex and Wall Street roll on undeterred due to their unimaginable inertial force like boulders in an avalanche.
But there are countless reasons Biden could still lose, and even though I generally think the two corporate parties consist of sham snake-oil salesmen dancing with their asses out, I just want to preemptively make it clear who Democrats should blame IF Joe Biden snatches defeat from the jaws of victory.
Because they’re going to blame us — those of us who aren’t showering praise and love on surly Joe like he’s Moses here to lead us to the Promised Land where Kinder Bueno grows on trees and Horny Goat Weed-spiked Red Bull Yellow Edition rains from the skies.
So here are the Top 10 People And Things To Blame IF Joe Biden Loses! …against one of the most racist, megalomaniacal, shit-for-brains, man-child rent-a-clown presidents the country has ever seen.
No. 10 — If Joe Biden loses, blame Joe Biden.
Blame Joe Biden for his unwillingness to even head-fake for a second as if he holds even the smallest of progressive values. Biden could send a lightning bolt of enthusiasm into his campaign if he were to announce he’s supporting Medicare for All or The Green New Deal or, hell, if he just said he enjoyed a Susan Sarandon film. Instead we get a guy who says he’d veto Medicare for All, doesn’t support the Green New Deal, doesn’t have a socialist bone in his body, and would sooner run an ultramarathon across Death Valley than even begin to decrease funding to our racist police forces.
Because of that, while millions of Americans say they’ll hold their nose and vote for Biden, the enthusiasm for his candidacy hovers roughly around the enthusiasm for stubbing one’s dick on the corner of a table.
No. 9 — If Joe Biden loses, blame the Democrats in Congress.
Blame the Democrats, especially Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, for not impeaching Donald Trump for anything substantive (which would have the added bonus right now of stopping Trump’s Supreme Court nomination, a pursuit the congressional Dems seem to have lost all interest in). Instead they went through months of impeachment proceedings because Trump held up missiles that were meant for Ukraine. Missiles that even Obama had refused to send.
The House Democrats could’ve impeached the creepy bulbous man — who looks like his otherworldly face paint was sprayed on while he drove by the makeup artist in a golf cart — for enriching himself with the presidency or a David Foster Wallace-length list of war crimes, or the variety of ways he has endangered (and killed) the American people, or for having offspring with the mental capacity of lawn furniture. (Not even high-end lawn furniture. More like the sale bin at Target.) But the Democrats refuse to impeach him for something we can all sink our teeth into because they either support those activities or are complicit. Let’s all take a moment to high-five for war crimes! That’s their hobby and their passion. They list “war crimes” under “likes” on Tinder. They own the T-shirt, and they’ve seen them live in concert 19 times.
No. 8 — If Joe Biden loses, blame Kamala Harris.
She’s not No. 1 on this list for good reason, but she should at least be included in this list. If Biden had picked an actual progressive, someone who genuinely feels empathy for others, then it would’ve gone a long way toward exciting voters. Instead he picked a prosecutor who helped fill California’s prisons (because who else would fight the forest fires?) and loves nothing more than locking up innocent people. I’m half surprised Biden didn’t select the cop who murdered George Floyd as his running mate. They would’ve been like two peas in a pod!
No. 7 — If Biden loses, blame Bill Clinton.
And not just because he destroyed our country late at night, four drinks in, when they were the only two in the White House and the level of consent is a matter of great debate. Also because Clinton and his pals — who go by names like “Two-Finger Tony,” “Kiss-of-Death Kissinger,” and “Hillary” — took the Democratic Party from an organization that had some kind of distant connection to working people, labor unions, and average Americans, and transfigured it into a completely pro-corporate, anti-worker, anti-environment double-chinned neoliberal McMansion death squad infected with an A-to-Z of STDs from their time in bed with Wall Street.
Basically, he turned it into the Republican Party. By doing so, he created room for the GOP to run even further to the right — a political netherworld usually reserved for the beasts in the Star Wars movies (something with poisonous tentacles coming out of its face). The end result: the Democratic Party now has nothing to offer voters — at least nothing different from that of the Republican Party.
No. 6 — If Joe Biden loses, blame the gutting of the United States Postal Service.
Despite what you’ve heard, it’s not just Republicans at fault for this. They had a motley group of accomplices — known as “The Democrats.” Congress voted back in 2006 to saddle the USPS with so much debt it slowly crushed them into a shell of their former selves, like a dying star or Barbara Walters. The immediate result was that the USPS fired tens of thousands of workers. And that bill was voted for by nearly every member of Congress. Not a single Democrat voted against it.
No. 5 — If Joe Biden loses, blame Barack Obama.
Part of the reason we all know Trump still has a chance, despite the polls showing him losing, is the immense power in his grasp. He flaunts a dictator’s toolkit at his tiny fingertips — and that toolkit was given to him by Barack Obama and George W. Bush. Limitless surveillance, limitless search and seizure — not only was that continued under Obama’s administration but Joe Biden bragged about writing the Patriot Act. In front of Congress in 2002 he said, “[Attorney General John Ashcroft] gave me a call when he introduced the Patriot Act. He said, ‘Joe, I’m introducing the Act basically as you wrote it in 1994.’ …Just to set the record straight, almost the same thing that got passed – the Patriot Act – was introduced by me in 1994.”
Well, it’s nice to see someone take pride in their work, isn’t it?
No. 4 — If Joe Biden loses, blame the DNC for rigging the fucking primary election.
Remember that time? Remember the time when Bernie Sanders was waltzing through the primaries like James Bond through a sea of villainous hitmen? And Joe Biden was left for dead — for the second time in his life? (The first one was outside a bar in Juarez, Mexico, on a moonless night after sucking down 13 belly shots of bathtub Tequila off a man named El Cuerpo.)
And just when it seemed like Sanders was going to run the table, his holiness Barack Obama emerged from his golden throne, summoned his chimney sweep Pete Buttigieg and commanded him to drop out of the race or he wouldn’t get a lollipop for a month. (Although they won’t admit it, I think we all know this is what happened.) As previously mentioned, Obama also handed the dictator’s toolkit to Trump and further entrenched the Democrats as a party of Wall Street and war.
But most importantly, by rigging the primaries, the DNC successfully alienated every young person who was turned on by Bernie Sanders’ Democratic Socialist movement. All the energy behind common-sense progress, like joining the industrialized world with free health care and raising the minimum wage and taxing the rich — all that energy was stamped out by the neoliberals like a fire growing across a fine rug. (Nancy Pelosi stamped so hard she sprained both her knees.) People under 30 got to see for themselves that our system is completely manipulated, masterminded and maneuvered by the rich and powerful. Yet, perhaps it’s good they learned that lesson now since they had to learn it sometime.
No. 3 — If Joe Biden loses, blame the mainstream media.
We now know that during the 2016 election, the media gifted Trump with 23 TIMES as much coverage as Bernie Sanders and 10 times as much coverage as Hillary Clinton, and of course that’s not even taking into account third-party candidates, because their coverage is always on par with the amount of mainstream media coverage afforded to the basket weaving techniques of Ancient Mauritania.
Yet again the media floods the airwaves with a never-waning torrent of Donald Trump vapidity and spectacle, some occasional lifeless coverage of Joe Biden, and nary a whisper of anything outside the two corporate parties. And for anybody thinking, “Yeah, but a lot of that Trump coverage is negative,” Trump loves negative coverage. He has the vocabulary of a drunk hedgehog with an ice pick lodged in its frontal lobe, and yet he never stops talking. If he wanted to be respected, he would shut the fuck up. But in his view, he wins as long as you’re talking about him. So right now, he’s winning because I said his name — and I blame you. …A little me — but mostly you.
No. 2 – IF Joe Biden loses, blame his ENTIRE career.
I’ve already mentioned that he bragged about writing the Patriot Act. He also famously forced through the 1994 Crime Bill. But there’s many more less-often touted arrows in his quiver of racist, destructive behavior — such as having proud racists like Strom Thurmond as his besties, repeatedly harassing or screwing over women, being funded throughout his career by credit-card companies and banks, endorsing and furthering U.S. interventionist policies year-after-year-after-year. No matter how many imperial blood-soaked attacks he watched on poor, innocent people, he simply signed up for more horrific wars and coup-plotting, and I’m pretty sure he produced that recent Ghostbusters reboot that made everyone hate America. Have you no shame, Joseph Biden?
No. 1 — IF Joe Biden loses, blame the media, the Democrats & the liberal elite for not covering, talking about, or standing up to Trump’s TRUE crimes.
They have not only allowed his Bernie Madoff-esque level of corruption and con-artistry, they have often tried to push him further to the right. They haven’t stood in the path of his war games or his global destruction. They only blocked him from his few moments of withdrawing troops or signing peace deals. They didn’t stonewall the trillions of dollars Trump handed to Wall Street while average citizens struggled during a pandemic. They all but cheered it on. The mainstream media and the liberal elite don’t have the vocabulary or understanding to fight back against corruption because they are corruption —just like the Republicans. Corruption courses through their bloodstream. They drink, eat and breathe corruption. And their fawning toadies in the corporate media happily report their garbage propaganda rather than genuinely “resist” anything.
So, if Joe Biden loses this election, which he should easily win, don’t let a single liberal try to blame it on the true left, on those of us who actually have a moral core. We are not the problem. We are the solution. Meanwhile — the neoliberals, the McResistance, would rather lose to Donald Trump than even begin to put this country on a path to progress.
If you find this column important, please share it. Lee Camp is the host of the hit comedy news show “Redacted Tonight.” His new book Bullet Points and Punch Lines is available at LeeCampBook.com and his stand-up comedy special can be streamed for free at LeeCampAmerican.com.