Yes, the rumors are true. I have succumbed to the blandishments of my exploratory committee and hereby offer myself as a candidate for President of these United States. I have accepted the nomination of the Utter Scorn Party. Below is my platform.
My administration will rest on an understanding that we are all fucked. We are not fucked if this or that, we are fucked, period. That’s not necessarily a bad thing given the real awfulness homo sapiens have become. From god-like to bed-bug like in a few short millennia. I am disgusted with the whole species, myself included, and if it weren’t for the pointlessness of it I would be happy to kick the whole can of worms into the polluted canal where brain eating amoebas could administer the coup de grâce. But that would be kicking a dying dog.
So my platform, as I explained at the Utter Scorn Party convention to wild applause and rattling of multiple noisemakers, is designed to arrange for homo sapiens to leave the planet with as little further damage and fanfare as possible. I know, I know, you would all like to hang on with your fingernails a little longer, have a little more fun destroying your home, see another gore fest on Netflix, luxuriate in the mud of another spa, Covid be damned, but, well, sorry Charlie. If that’s your cup of hemlock, vote for The Bozo or The Tool or both. Kick back, and watch the fireworks. It won’t mean shit. The Utter Scorn Party utterly scorns them both. Callous stupidity is just not that much fun any more.
Declare the Supreme Court unconstitutional. The idea of “precedent” is nonsense as is that of “jurisdiction”. The Constitution, bad as it is, contemplates none of the power over the Bill of Rights the Supreme Court abuses today. Almost all its actions are unconstitutional.
Abolish the judiciary in toto. They whole cabal serves not justice but the state. How many judges sending innocent children to reform school for their own profit does it take for someone to twig to the truth? If someone wants to accuse someone else of a crime let them choose a person in the neighborhood they feel is an upright judge, present your argument and let him decide what is appropriate. Socrates taught us that there are no experts at justice. Integrity is independent of knowledge. Let us get over our admiration for a “good legal mind.” That is a description of a con man. A sense of right and wrong is either another word for integrity or it is nothing. A citizen both sides in a dispute choose to adjudicate the matter must certainly have a reputation for integrity. Perhaps a desire for this reputation would encourage people to be so. But a reputation for fairness is not possible for a political appointee – by definition.
Empty the prisons. Release anyone who has some useful skill and no history of violence and exile the unwanted to a new desert city, completely cut off, to be built by its inhabitants, where the only possible source of income is from the creation of art.
Eliminate Congress. Everyone knew by the beginning of the twentieth century that social democracy, that is, parliamentary government, is a farce. It is a fetish of fake democracy, a system of government that absolves everyone from blame. Just who has had to suffer the consequences of having fomented the brain-dead policies of the United States? Horrible stupid things are done and nobody has to take the heat. There is no such thing as “representation.” The members of congress represent money. Their sole urge is to keep their place at the trough. Away with them and their mountains of laws. Social Democracy is another name for surrender to the bankers.
Eliminate the off-shore military. All our enemies are propaganda-induced and always have been. No one is going to invade or send missiles at the United States unless he is a complete madman, in which case nothing can deter him. In case you haven’t noticed, there are oceans on both sides. The cost of invading us would far exceed any possible plunder. And what are American interests abroad that require military force other than the ability to steal?
Re-direct the resources of the Pentagon to the care and cultivation of a potted palm I will plant at the center.. Give the joint chiefs of staff a good pants-down spanking and send them home.
Decommission all nuclear power plants. When the human race goes extinct we don’t want them, untended, melting down. We have to think of the life of the future and atone, even in some infinitesimal way, for our behavior. To decommission them before we depart we have to start now.
Outlaw advertising. We will have to acquire wayward desires strictly on our own.
Outlaw all office work. It just adds to global warming.
(When I say outlaw I mean, of course, to establish as a commonplace that what is outlawed is a pollution and a disgrace. I am not suggesting the writing of laws.)
Restrict the use of electricity to production, refrigeration and cooking of food. Let’s die out slowly and naturally without using ungodly weapons.
Outlaw all motor vehicles except those used to produce or transport food.
A jubilee– all debts are canceled, rents abolished.
Abolish corporations. Anything made or done must include publication of the name and means of legally serving a real human being who can be held responsible for and has adequate net worth to cover possible damages. That net worth will be held in escrow.
Make the use of the expression “natural resources” a capital crime.
Paint CIA headquarters at Langley blood red inside and out.
On TV kick from one end of Pennsylvania Avenue to the other the ass of anyone who has ever had any connection to the Federal Reserve.
Demand the immediate resignation of any official who has ever been “deeply disturbed” over some atrocity.
I hasten to remind the membership of the Utter Scorn Party that none of this will stave off human extinction. That is already baked in. It’s a done deal. We have no future. The platform serves, hopefully, other future life and as a final gesture of homage and apology to the earth, our mother, whom we have grievously harmed.
Having taken the oath of office, and fulfilled all the promises set forth above in the platform of the Utter Scorn Party, I will abolish the executive, resign, and allow the disintegration of the Former United States into the mosaic of independent states that might have enough time left to form before the seventh mass extinction swallows us all. Then I will disappear.