Nine Predictions for Trump’s Second Term

I don’t know why criticisms of electoral politics are so often interpreted to mean that elections don’t have consequences. Of course they do, not least in the ways that elections – even as they legitimize the vast areas of agreement between the parties – shape our culture. On that note, here are some predictions for what we will see should Trump win reelection this fall:

1) Exploiting the conflict between Ivanka and Melania, the Trump Family will further enrich itself during its second term by selling “I’m With Melania/I’m With Ivanka” T-shirts that will be enthusiastically worn by post-political liberals.

2) Conservatives will continue to attack liberal indoctrination in schools while simultaneously attempting to assassinate anyone who doesn’t stand for the pledge of allegiance (which the Republican Congress will amend to include the line “under God and Trump”).

3) Richard Spencer will become a professional actor and star in a Wes Anderson-directed remake of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, which will become a blockbuster hit and receive grudgingly favorable reviews in the NY Times (Mel Gibson will earn the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his depiction of the obsessed yet endearing principal).

4) Only slightly less popular will be a remake of The Breakfast Club, although now the teen protagonists will be members of an unjustly persecuted club of white supremacists. Chris Pratt, who will star in Emilio Estevez’s old role, will win over the white teen audience by plaintively asking, “I just don’t understand why having pride in our racial heritage means that we’re somehow bad people?” (Mel Gibson will receive a Best Supporting Oscar nomination for his role as the tough yet caring principal but will lose out to James Woods’ sensitive portrayal of Stephen Miller in the popular Trump biopic: Patriot Heart).

5) Trump himself will become far more megalomaniacal, although a growing chorus of moderates and liberals will suggest that the office has mellowed him and will increasingly describe him as “presidential.”

6) Some liberals will be torn when Trump declares war and will demonstrate their ambivalence by attaching American flag decals to their mandatory Trump pins.

7) Leftists will publish acclaimed books including How to be a (Socialist) Entrepreneur, Monetize Your Likes, Banking on Revolution (Because Supporting Social-Democracy Doesn’t Mean That You Can’t Have Servants), and the bestselling Revolution 2.0: Why AOC, Popeyes, and Kenny G Represent the Limits of Human Achievement.

8) The turf war between parasitic unions and parasitic NGOs will continue to be referred to as a class/idpol debate although the stakes will become far more meaningless.

9) After thousands die as a result of week-long stretches of 125 degree heat in Arizona, Republicans will assert that the deaths were worth it. Democrats will forcefully respond by saying that while the price of progress means that some people do indeed have to die, we must nevertheless reduce future climate change death tolls by 10 percent (to be implemented by 2045). The party’s more radical wing will be dismissed as utopian after demanding that the future death toll be reduced by 35 percent (to be implemented by 2035). Those questioning the need for unending economic growth will be condemned by all sides as dangerous Malthusians.

Joshua Sperber teaches political science and history. He is the author of Consumer Management in the Internet Age. He can be reached at jsperber4@gmail.com  

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