Get the F*** Out of Afghanistan!

This is the part of the horror movie where the plot collapses beneath the weight of one too many clichés. Having already gruesomely dispatched all the more promiscuous teens, the knife wielding masked psychopath has cornered the chaste final girl in an old dilapidated farmhouse. The backdoor is seemingly wide open, but instead of making an easy and sensible, if anticlimactic, escape, the bookish antagonist takes the fucking stairs to the attic, leaving her no place left to hide from the monster stalking her. You, the audience, is left beside yourself. Your mind boggles at the hackneyed rational of a supposedly sensible heroine. You’re left with no other plausible response than to yell out at the silver screen, “Get the fuck out of the house!” In 2020, this is the analogy where we as Americans find ourselves. Only we are all the final girls, the masked psychopath is a seemingly unkillable war of our own creation, and the farmhouse that we refuse to escape from is the imperial crypt called Afghanistan. If you are one of the few remaining committed anti-imperialists in this country, you find yourself on the outside of this colossal mess looking in, practically begging, “Get the fuck out of Afghanistan!”

Apparently Donald Trump, one of the dumber sluts to face off with this psycho killer of an endless war, has heard our call. Though the motherfucker has been playing footsy with the idea of withdrawing troops from Afghanistan and pretty much everywhere else since before he was elected, he appears to be desperate enough for a foreign policy win in the increasingly uphill 2020 election to actually, just maybe, get out of that fucking house. After a peace deal brokered with the Taliban early this year, Trump has rapidly widdled down America’s military footprint in Afghanistan from 13,000 to 8,500 troops, shutting down 5 bases and moving way ahead of his own schedule.

I’m not an imbecile. I’ve seen far too many American intervention slasher flicks to be gullible enough to mistake the Donald for anything but a desperate and craven opportunist. His plan is to hold off a complete withdrawal until after the election while ratcheting up the Cambodian style air war on Afghan civilians and keeping 4,000 final girls in country until May, just long enough to plausibly win the election as a pseudo-peace candidate and come up with some bullshit excuse to back out of the peace deal at the last minute. But even a jaded anarchist like me can see that it can’t be underestimated how truly desperate and impulsive our feckless leader has become. He’s already shit the bed on COVID, and law and order just ain’t selling like it did back in ’68. Trump has even hinted at the possibility of pulling all the remaining troops from the Afghan death trap before the election, and a growing number of more legit isolationists in the GOP along with a few brave Democrats are making attempts to push the motherfucker to do just that. But the pathological opportunists in the Democratic leadership are going out of their way to sabotage this effort.

In the latest National Defense Authorization Act, mighty little Ilhan Omar, the last Democrat George McGovern might have recognized as an ally, attempted to introduce an amendment that would force Trump to put up or shut up and make establishing a plan for complete withdrawal from Afghanistan a top priority. I’m not shocked that it failed, but I am physically disgusted that the amendment received twice as much support from the GOP as it did among Ilhan’s own damn party. This is bigger than just election year politricks. The Democrats don’t need failure in Afghanistan to kick Trump’s ass, even with their Weekend at Bernie’s Yankee Dixiecrat candidate. They’ve wisely kept that rape-y old creep on ice in the basement after finally realizing that Donald can kick his own ass all by himself. No, this is part of a growing tide of Democratic warmongering. A return to the Cold War glory of the bloodthirsty Kennedy Democrats of yore, and they got two thirds of the media in their back pocket to back them up.

The Democrats have been waging open war against Donald Trump’s largely empty-handed suggestions of troop withdrawals from the beginning. Korea, Germany, Syria, every time the excitable boy in chief strikes an America First pose, the media turns it into another horseshit Putin conspiracy theory and the Democrats blindly follow with legislation to keep troops in place until the deep state rubber stamps certification that confirms said withdrawal wouldn’t risk the purposely vague objectives of “American interests” and those of our terror funding allies. The latest excuse for this nonsense being vomited up by none other than Joe Biden himself is the Bountygate hoopla, Quite possibly the weakest Russiagate hoax since Christopher Steele’s Fifty Shades of Gold. The asinine theory that Russia offered the Taliban bounties for the scalps of American troops in Afghanistan has been thoroughly debunked by everyone from the NSA to the Pentagon, but Biden and his trigger happy friends in the supposedly liberal media just keep repeating it as if it were absolute fact, along with the suggestion that finally getting the fuck out of Afghanistan is somehow part of the fucking conspiracy.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, it was the Democrats, in their brief post-Nixon peacenik era no less, that started this horror show. A lot of people forget that the godfather of modern Wahhabi terrorism is none other than that plainspoken dove from peanut country, Jimmy Carter, who cooked up what became known to Beltway insiders as the Afghan Trap with his creepy proto-neocon sidekick, Zbigniew Brzezinski. After a communist revolution provoked unrest among Afghanistan’s ancient mountain tribes, Jimmy and Zbig decided to turn the regional upheaval into a full blown civil war so as to lure the Afghan’s already economically stagnant neighbors in the Soviet Union into their own private Vietnam. Under White House direction, the Saudis rounded up the mercenary psychopaths who would eventually become Al-Qaeda and we armed, trained, and organized them in Pakistan before shipping them out to the Hindu Kush to sling dope, kill Russians, and throw acid in the faces of commie coeds who dared to leave the veil at home. And the rest is horror movie history.

America’s longest war didn’t even begin in 2002. It began in 1978, and Democrats have played a key roll in that Himalayan bloodbath from the first drop. Guess there’s no reason that should stop now. But final girls in both parties and beyond have had enough. Polls have shown that 57% of Americans support a complete withdrawal from that imperial sand trap that has claimed countless war sluts going back to Alexander the Great, and a whopping 69% of veterans want to get the fuck out of that house. This silent majority needs to make itself heard. We need to make it clear that any president who doesn’t end this horror show once and for all isn’t worth the paper ballots are printed on, even if that means voting third party or for no one at all. Our votes are for sale, and the price is endless war. Pay up or fuck off.

We can’t afford to mince words on this one, dearest motherfuckers. Join me in the theater of democracy shouting “Get the Fuck Out of Afghanistan!” at the top of our lungs. Enough is enough and I’ve had it. Haven’t you?

Nicky Reid is an agoraphobic anarcho-genderqueer gonzo blogger from Central Pennsylvania and assistant editor for Attack the System. You can find her online at Exile in Happy Valley.