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99 Reasons to Impeach (But Ukrainegate Ain’t One)

Urgh! Ma, do I have to write about impeachment again? Cant I just take the trash down to the curb instead? Yeah, that’s right, dearest motherfuckers, its another goddamn impeachment piece, because apparently the thing about purgatory is that it’s never fucking over. Just when you think you’re about get paroled to the sweet hereafter, John Bolton writes a fucking book and you get another century added to your sentence. By the time it’s through, you’re begging for hell, anything to cut the fucking boredom. Hell is supposed to come this Wednesday but if the anticlimax of the Muller Report didn’t end this circus, something nauseating tells me the Senate’s partisan acquittal won’t either. I usually enjoy writing. It gives me some sense of control over the downright hellish purgatory of day to day life in the prolapsed colon of a herniated empire. Its hard work but it’s usually pretty rewarding. This impeachment shit, though, its like fucking math homework. It doesn’t matter how necessary it is, it still feels fucking pointless.

Impeachment in general, like most of America’s over-cherished pseudo-democratic rituals, is bullshit. Any political decision not made directly through popular referendum is little more than a bureaucratic reach around at best, not to mention, a waste of any true radicals precious time. But this endless fucking farce seems even worse than the usual who-porked-who in the Oval Office charade, at least to me. Ukrainegate essentially amounts to one scumbag withholding weapons of mass destruction from a neo-Nazi rump state until they release some dirt on another fucking scumbag. Who fucking cares?! Its not like I have any secret affection for Donald Trump. In fact, if the process were a touch more democratic and a bit less partisan, I’d love nothing better than to see his philandering ginger ass tossed to the fucking curb. But lets impeach the motherfucker for something right, not Adam Schiff’s latest Russophobic Tom Clancy knock-off. I can probably think of at least 99 reasons to impeach Trump. Ukrainegate just ain’t one.

How about Iran, where Trump unilaterally violated a UN sanctioned peace deal and then proceeded to punish the nation for our aggression? Impeach Trump for the totally illegal and immoral extrajudicial assassination of the region’s most accomplished anti-terrorist, Qassem Soleimani, on a civilian tarmac without the consent of anybody. Or how about his blatant refusal to respect Iraq’s sovereignty by obnoxiously defying their parliaments insistence that we leave, holding a whole nation hostage and using it like a human shield in a Mexican stand-off with an Islamic Republic that has gone out of its way to appease generations of our nation’s downright irrational behavior?

Impeach Trump for America’s ongoing campaign of economic terrorism which we refer to as sanctions, starving children and denying cancer patients access to life-saving treatment, not just in Iran, but Russia, Venezuela, Sudan, Eritrea, Belarus, Burma, The Ivory Coast, Cuba, The Congo, Zimbabwe, The Balkans, and perhaps most heinously in North Korea, our president’s favorite peace summit photo-op, where millions have starved and will continue to starve while the Donald strings them along with heartfelt love letters. Impeach Trump for threatening to return Iraq to this same grade of enforced poverty unless they defy the will of their own people. Contributing to the delinquency of a minor democracy sounds like it should be impeachable to me.

As should be the seemingly ceaseless extra-judicial drone strikes that murder grossly disproportionate amounts of women and children in Iraq, Syria, Yemen, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Somalia and Christ knows where else, which Trump has moved to make increasingly untraceable. Impeach Trump for illegally occupying Syria, serving up the Kurds to Erdogan like a fucking pudding and blatantly occupying and cutting off the nation’s oil supply to further undermine and destabilize the rightful regime of Bashar al-Assad. Impeach Trump for running Navy Seal/black-ops death squads in 149 countries and counting, putting America first by slaughtering civilians and training fellow terrorists to do the same across the globe, from Colombia to Indonesia, and everywhere in between.

Impeach Trump for bombing Damascus without congressional approval, based on totally bogus chemical weapons attacks. Impeach Trump for continuing our endless occupation of Afghanistan, even after papers leaked from our own government have surfaced proving any mission there to be totally futile. Impeach Trump for openly undermining democracy in Venezuela, Nicaragua and Bolivia, successfully in the later, replacing one of the planet’s last descent world leaders with a despotic, stark-raving, racist conquistador that would give the Donald a run for his money. Impeach Trump for propping up some of the worlds rankest dictators with guns and treasure, from Mohammed bin Bonesaw in Saudi Arabia to those Banderist scumfucks in Kiev that Adam Schiff can’t seem to give enough deadly playthings to. And for the love of Christ, Mohammed, Gaia and Kali, impeach that remorseless motherfucker for having little Nora al-Awlaki, an 8 year old American citizen, shot in the fucking throat with a couple dozen of her family members on week one in the fucking White House. I was done with this beast before you #Resistance cocksuckers had even begun.

In short, impeach Donald J. Trump for repeatedly violating his promise to put America first like a 14 year old Epstein sex slave. Impeach this cunt for being an imperialist imposter. Dig up the corpse of Charles Lindbergh and bury the entire Trump Administration beneath the casket in his grave. Impeach him for colluding with Israel and Saudi Arabia and Lockheed Martin and basically everybody but Russia. Or just impeach this motherless prick for the war crimes he’s committed right here on the border. For concentration camps, renditioned ranches, shattered families and murdered childhoods. For using the racist trope of ‘Evil Islam’ to ban refugees from predominantly Shia countries, while arming their bloodthirsty Salafi neighbors to the fucking teeth and inviting them to use our bases as shooting galleries.

But you won’t see this, dearest motherfuckers. You won’t hear a single Democrat call to impeach Trump for any of the legitimate crimes against humanity that we all know he’s committed. And if you do you will see them rapidly silenced like Dennis Kucinich, Cynthia McKinney and Tulsi Gabbard. You’ll see them ran through the mud and proclaimed Putinists, Alt-Rightists and conspiracy theorists by all the supposedly liberal media which has turned these impeachments into a sick national pastime. They won’t impeach Trump for his true crimes because Trump’s crimes are America’s crimes. They didn’t start with Orange-Man-Bad and they won’t end their either. The Democrats won’t impeach Trump for these crimes because they have every intention to keep committing them once he’s gone. They built the camps and walls and wars, and they want them back in the hands of a more reliable psychopath.

Impeachment is a sick fucking joke, dearest motherfuckers. And I am sick upon death of covering it. I’ll take down the trash and finish my long division tomorrow. I gotta lie down.

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Nicky Reid is an agoraphobic anarcho-genderqueer gonzo blogger from Central Pennsylvania and assistant editor for Attack the System. You can find her online at Exile in Happy Valley.

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