Almost 18 years ago, when gay marriage was basically illegal, The New York Times renamed its “Weddings” page “Weddings/Celebrations” and started printing in its Sunday Style section accounts of same-sex unions. So we have the Times to thank for the fact that, since 2002, queers have enjoyed equal rights to transcend news stories of endless war and detention camps by dreaming of the Cuisinarts, salad spinners, and Martha Stewart cupcake carriers that are now societally sanctioned as gay wedding gifts. Could queer life get more equal?
Nope. Per usual, the zeitgeist will have its way with us. Here are some gay wedding announcements that didn’t made it into print.
WEINSTOCK, HANRAHAN: TRUE LOVE AMID PSYCHIC DAMAGE
In a simple backyard ceremony next to their rose trellis, Gloria Weinstock, 40, a Brooklyn social worker, and Patricia Hanrahan, 44, a pediatric nurse, pledged their lifelong devotion to one another amid the boos and catcalls of their parents, Mr. and Mrs. Herschel Weinstock of Washington Heights and Mr. and Mrs. Joseph P. Hanrahan of Red Hook.
“This is disgusting! I am dying here of shame.”
“You want to tear your mother’s heart out, Gloria? We brought you up to marry a doctor, not a nurse!”
“Sure and ye must listen to the wee Jewish folk, Patsy. Ah, Holy Virgin, please don’t let this get into The New York Times…”
The happy couple met eight years ago at a queer atheists support group. They describe their attraction as instantaneous, based on a mutual love of the acoustic guitar and strikingly similar, “still gaping” psychological wounds inflicted during their culturally divergent childhoods. They live together in Windsor Terrace, Brooklyn with two cats and a large selection of herbal teas. The women plan to honeymoon at an undisclosed location, in deep therapy.
CHIGGERBOTTOM, WEASELWORTH: MINORITIES WITH A PLAN
Montague Chiggerbottom, son of Senator Derrick and Evangeline Claypool Chiggerbottom of Greenwich, CT, exchanged wedding vows today with Belvedere Weaselworth, III, son of Belvedere and Millicent Mellon Weaselworth of East Hampton, NY. The ceremony took place at the midtown branch of the Church of Christ the Investor.
The grooms, both 27, graduated with honors from Yale University’s MBA program. Introduced by their parents at a Yale mixer, the men claim that they did not like each other at first, especially when their parents told them they had to get married. Mr. Weaselworth was especially sulky.
“I said to Mumsy, I don’t want to marry that man, Mumsy, he’s icky. But Mumsy explained that she needed a certain amount of married-homosexual cachet if she was to remain on the board of MoMA. This awakened me to the plight of the affluent Caucasian gentry – we are a minority group, you know. I became furious that the Trump administration was not looking after our interests.”
Mr. Weaselworth decided to give this relationship “a go,” and the pair joined the Log Noggin Club, an equal-rights organization for gay Republicans. Mr. Weaselworth and Mr. Chiggerbottom’s love has subsequently grown apace, as each incrementally realizes the entrepreneurial clout that a rightwing gay “power couple” might wield inside the Trump administration.
Mr. Weaselworth plans to host a syndicated TV talk show, “trouncing abortion rights, while ignoring the plight of transgenders in the military. Monty, for his part, will run for Congress on the anti-immigrant ticket. Isn’t love yummy?”
Mr. Chiggerbottom concurs. “Our youthful, media-driven charisma will win us beaucoup props from hide-bound Republicans as we liquidate the communist queer establishment. Pete Buttigeig won’t know what hit him.”
The men share a love of country hayrides, Edith Piaf records, and white supremacy.
HOLLY, DIFRENCHO: OK-BOOMERS!
Veteran folk singer Nearly Holly and pomo-Goth songstress Franki DiFrencho were united today in a commitment ceremony on a sound stage in Central Park, while hundreds of New Yorkers threw frisbees, cooked hot dogs, and paid little attention. The women, having built their early singing careers by presenting powerful-women role models to largely lesbian and queer audiences, have each been in committed, heterosexual relationships with men for years. They met at a “Brush Up Your Marriage” retreat in the Poconos, which they attended with their male counterparts. Ms. Holly recalls the occasion.
“After the workshop, our guys went out to load the cars. Franki and I were left in front of a romantic, crackling fireplace, gazing into each other’s eyes and getting in touch with some really old feelings. I asked a question neither of us dared to voice until that moment: ‘How do we boost our record sales with the queers now that we’ve found happiness with the men of our dreams?’”
Ms. DiFrencho remembers differently. “No way, babe. You talked about how fucked up lesbians are cause they only want to see lesbian performers, and what insular, twisted relationships they have, and how you were never like that when you were with women. I was the one who brought up the promotion crap.”
The pair decided an open-air commitment ceremony was in order, during which the women read aloud from their contract, accompanying themselves on dulcimers: “We, the undersigned (herein defined as “women-loving-women-loving-men-loving-women-loving-us”), agree to a total of not less than 17 concerts, two CD albums plus streaming rights…”
Ms. Holly and Ms. DiFrencho invite the public to attend their honeymoon in Woodstock, where they will appear nightly at the Magenta Moon Cafe, tickets $10-$750, with two-drink minimum.