The Chosen One

The Second Coming has finally come.

Let us refresh our memory of the story. He is God made flesh, the Savior, the Son of God, born of a virgin in the humble Jamaica Hospital in the borough of Queens, New York City on June 14, 1946 before three wise investors.

He goes on to offer His followers on the most successful and lucrative Television Show that was ever made the chance to be born again through Holy rites consisting of continually shouting at them at the top of His voice, “You’re fired!”

Following this, He miraculously turns a presidential election loss into a victory which He celebrates at the largest inauguration ceremony in the history of humanity by turning a rainy day into a dry one thanks to his divine use of PhotoShop as His handjob maidens wash His feet in preparation for His walking across the lake of the Washington Monument that has been erected to Him in honor of His raising His Vice-President from the dead.

He then rides around the capital city of His worldwide real estate empire in the greatest armored limousine that’s ever been created in the history of the planet, bearing the mark of the Beast, weighing 20,000 pounds and costing $15.8 million, with an extensive range of medical supplies on board, including a refrigerator full of His own Holy blood type. This Beast combines a variety of ground-breaking technologies, not the least of which is a heavily modified platform from a Chevrolet Kodiak and a heavy-duty General Motors truck that uses a mix of steel, aluminum and ceramic armors, each focused on a different type of threat, with eight-inch walls and five-inch thick multilayer windows, making the doors as heavy as those of a Boeing 757 as the largest crowd in the history of the world in the greatest country in the history of the world wave gold-plated palm leaves to honor the Messiah.

In spite of all these precautions, this anointed instrument of God dies at Eastertime in the tallest building on Fifth Avenue (christened 666 by his Antichrist Son-in-Law) as a sacrifice for the sins of the world. After His death He descends to Hell, then on the third day He rises from the dead and ascends to Heaven on Air Force One.

His followers await His return as the Judge at the Last Television Show.

Meanwhile, His death and resurrection are celebrated across the world in a chain of the world’s tallest gold-plated hotel towers and casinos and golf courses (all with His name splashed across them in fifty-foot letters) ­– by a ritual meal of bread and non-alcoholic wine symbolizing His body and His blood and His orange hairpiece. Not content with this, our God made flesh makes food for five thousand Evangenitals from a handful of McDonald’s hamburgers.

Finally, He proceeds to turn over the tables of the Wall Street moneychangers, neatly tipping the proceeds of this procedure into His Deutsche Bank account in the Cayman Islands.

All the armies that ever marched and all the Navies that were ever assembled and all the parliaments that ever sat and all the rulers that ever reigned – combined – have not affected the life of man upon this earth so profoundly as this One Solitary Life dedicated to saving the world by building the Great Wall of Beaners to keep out the unbelievers and the serial rapists so that the former head of the Miss Universe Pageant can make America great again.

He is truly the Chosen One.

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David Stansfield is a former PBS writer-producer and the author of “Take Nothing For Granted,” a thriller set against the backdrop of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

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