Citizens of the World:
Welcome to New York City, a location which, until I moved to Washington, DC, was my favorite playground and casino, and a city in which I honed my skills as a wheeler dealer in preparation for Making America Great Again.
After becoming president of the greatest and most God-favored nation on earth and because of my policies, America’s “economy is booming like never before.” If you don’t believe me, America has “added $10 trillion in wealth [and] passed the biggest tax reforms in American history,” most of which have gone to the 1%. Just don’t tell the Plebes; because they are preoccupied with Facebook, football, guns, trucks, and beer, they don’t want to be bothered by such facts.
Asian Americans (who steal our jobs), Hispanic Americans (rapists, murderers, gang members), and African Americans (who trace their roots to s— hole countries) should be grateful because I have created millions of jobs for them.
Just so you know: The American Empire is the mightiest and greatest empire on the face of this earth only because I am the very best president in the history of the American Republic. And all of this was accomplished in less than two years.
Thanks to my economic policies, our stock market is at an all-time high, and our unemployment is at a historic low.
In only two years I have secured America’s military superiority; not only have I implemented the highest defense expenditures in the history of mankind, but I have also made sure that next year’s military budget is expanded by billions of taxpayer dollars.
The boy genius I am, I want to make sure all of you understand that I have set America on a new course, a course where “what we say, goes.”
“Patriotism, Prosperity, and Pride” is the birthright of every nation as long as these nations are subservient to our policies and demands.
My stratospheric accomplishments have helped us “forge close relationships and friendships and strong partnerships with leaders of many nations in this room, [and my] approach has yielded incredible change.”
Furthermore, “we believe that when nations respect the rights of their neighbors [as we do in Cuba and Nicaragua], and defend the interests of their people, they can better work together to secure the blessings of safety, prosperity, and peace.” Of course friends such as NATO, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Israel, and Myanmar have our blessings and full support as they disregard the safety, security, prosperity and peace to which the Iraqis, Syrians, Libyans, Yemenis, Palestinians, and Rohingya are entitled.
Additionally, “America will always choose independence and cooperation over global governance, control, and domination” as long as it benefits us economically, politically, and strategically.
Proof of how effective and brilliant my policies have been is how last year’s Rocket Man (whose country I threated to obliterate) has become my new BFF. While we expect North Korea to destroy all of its nuclear weapons, we reserve the right to spend a trillion dollars to upgrade our own nuclear arsenal.
When I travelled to Saudi Arabia last year I, along with Saudi King Salman and his son Muhammad B. S., participated in the bizarre and whacky Hands on-the-Globe ritual (a ritual I prefer to call “Globe Grabbing” – one of my grabbing-habit-rituals). “Following my trip to Saudi Arabia … our new approach in the [NE] is also yielding great strides and very historic change.” And, with the Gulf Cooperation Council, Jordan, and Egypt’s establishment of a regional strategic alliance … [we are going] to target terrorist financing.”
As proof of my policy of fighting terrorism, these Gulf countries “are pursuing multiple avenues to ending Yemen’s horrible, horrific civil war.” Of course our sale of $110 billion dollars’ worth of arms to Saudi Arabia and our aerial refueling of Saudi and Emirati jet fighters is proof of my commitment to ending the Yemen genocide. Dealing in arms is a boon for our economy. And, “For that reason, the United States is working with nations [to] advance prosperity, stability, and security across their home region.”
“The Iranian people are rightly outraged that their leaders have embezzled billions of dollars from Iran’s treasury, seized valuable portions of the economy, and looted the people’s religious endowments, all to line their own pockets and send their proxies to wage war. Not good. Iran’s neighbors have paid a heavy toll for the region’s [regimes’] agendas of aggression and expansion. That is why so many countries in the Middle East strongly supported my decision to withdraw the United States from the horrible 2015 Iran Nuclear Deal and re-impose nuclear sanctions.”
Furthermore, “The United States has launched a campaign of economic pressure to deny the regime the funds it needs to advance its bloody agenda. Last month, we began re-imposing hard-hitting nuclear sanctions that had been lifted under the Iran deal. Additional sanctions will resume November 5th, and more will follow. And we’re working with countries that import Iranian crude oil to cut their purchases substantially.”
The real reason for my stringent Iran policy is that my Saudi and Emirati cheerleaders want me to withdraw from the nuclear agreement with Iran. My quid pro quo guarantees their recycling the petro dollars into arms deals and jobs for my Make America Great Again venture. And propping up autocratic regimes is in our best interest.
Besides, my Israeli masters, including Adelson et Bibi, my favorite BFFs, have ordered me to pursue this anti-Iran policy.
Believe me, “The United States is committed to a future of peace and stability in the region, including peace between the Israelis and the Palestinians. That aim is advanced, not harmed, by acknowledging the obvious facts.” And that is precisely why I moved the embassy to Jerusalem and have cut all medical and educational aid to Palestinians.
Palestinians have to get down on their knees and beg me, even as I allow Israel to demolish their homes, build more settlements, and pass discriminatory laws. For political, monetary, and familial reasons, I take pride in Making Palestine Disappear, Again. As a member of the clan, Jared Kushner is following the Bibi script exceedingly well.
This “America’s policy of principled realism means we will not be held hostage to old dogmas, discredited ideologies, and so-called experts who have been proven wrong over the years, time and time again.”
As for trade, “we believe that trade must be fair and reciprocal. The United States will not be taken advantage of any longer.” Every country has taken advantage of us. We will renegotiate our trade agreements with every country in the world.”
Furthermore, “The U.N. Human Rights Council had become a grave embarrassment to this institution, shielding egregious human rights abusers while bashing America and its many friends [such as the Israelis, Saudis, Emiratis, Egyptians and at least a dozen other allies].” That is why “we withdrew from the Human Rights Council, and we will not return until real reform is enacted.”
And, “for similar reasons, the United States will provide no support in recognition to the International Criminal Court. As far as America is concerned, the ICC has no jurisdiction, no legitimacy, and no authority. The ICC claims near-universal jurisdiction over the citizens of every country, violating all principles of justice, fairness, and due process. We will never surrender America’s sovereignty to an unelected, unaccountable, global bureaucracy. America is governed by Americans. We reject the ideology of globalism, and we embrace the doctrine of patriotism.”
Insofar as energy independence is concerned, we will not allow OPEC to rip us off. We want them to stop raising prices and they have to become responsible for their defense with arms purchases from us, of course. “They take advantage of us by giving us high oil prices. No Good.”
“Reliance on a single foreign supplier can leave a nation vulnerable to extortion and intimidation.” Germany’s over reliance on Russian oil is dangerous (6 hearty chuckles); we would be glad to step in and sell our own oil to Germany because our oil production is at an all-time high.
We are “working with partners in Latin America to confront threats to sovereignty from uncontrolled migration. Tolerance for human [sic.] struggling and human smuggling and trafficking is not humane. It’s a horrible thing that’s going on, at levels that nobody has ever seen before. It’s very, very cruel.” Yet imprisoning illegal immigrants and placing their children in cages is humane, legal and honorable.
A regime change in Maduro’s Venezuela is a must because socialism is a failed policy. “All nations of the world should resist socialism and the misery that it brings to everyone.” And that is precisely why we are calling for regime change, as we’ve done in the case of Iran.
Finally, “The United States is the world’s largest giver in the world, by far, of foreign aid … That is why we are taking a hard look at U.S. foreign assistance. That will be whether the countries who receive our dollars and our protection also have our interests at heart. … Moving forward, we are only going to give foreign aid to those who respect us and, frankly, are our friends,” including those who vote with us at the U.N. and those who allow our corporations to exploit their natural resources.
And just for the record, I have high regard for India, Saudi Arabia (a country pursuing reforms by allowing women to drive, in a few months’ time), Poland (because they want us to build a military base on its soil), and Israel (which is celebrating 70 years of ethnic cleansing and apartheid policies).
“So [sic.] together, let us choose a future of patriotism, prosperity, and pride. Let us choose peace and freedom over domination and defeat. And let us come here to this place to stand for our people and their nations, forever strong, forever sovereign, forever just, and forever thankful for the grace and the goodness and the glory of God.”
Thus ended a speech high on platitudes – yet short on substance and consequential policies.
Speech Evaluation: Chuckle, Chuckle, Chuckle!!! Not Good, Not Good!!