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New Information from Trump White House Insider

Last week a man I’ll call Guido Bartalucci, a former Trump White House insider, asked to meet with me at a bar in Queens to discuss his knowledge of the “Trump traitor” who inveighed against the president in the infamous New York Times op-ed now making the rounds.

He was angry about the op-ed.

“Listen, you’ve heard that amonimous guy in the Jew York Times,”  Bartalucci told me. “I know it’s a guy as we don’t allow women in the inner circle.   Trump tinks we’re all closet fags but whatevah.  Mr. Secret inside the cabinet doesn’t git to close to haf of it.”

“Da real issue is rape.  What the Times ebitorial doesn’t get at it is we need more rape.   It’s a bootiful thing when we get away wit it.  Don’t, dat’s a problem.”

The public good, said Bartalucci, is like a woman, and “when you rape a woman, you haf to make her beleef it’s good fah her.  Obama was much fockin better at dis than Trump.”

“First of all, lotta sweet tawkin.  Here’s a cunt, you wanna get in her legs, whattaya doo?  You lie, you boolshit.   Obama, eh oh, whattevah you tink of him, advanced the rape agenda in ways we need now to umppreciate.   He knew what he was doon.”

“Rape of these bitches, meenin da public, has been Republican policy fah years, fuhgeddaboutit.  But Donald Trump dodn’t understand that in order to fuckin bust a nut in dah public eye we haf to pretend no one’s bustin a nut.”

“Sorta when you got a chick who’s real drunk, you tell her, ah sheeze, I’m gonna take ya home, efferyting’s gon’ be fine.   It’s like my uncle yoosed to tell me.  And den yoo take her home and every’ting’s not so fine.”

A system in which we can rape public goods freely requires, as Guido put it, “a sahlid figahhead who pretents otterwise.  Dat’s the problem wit’ Trump.  He’s open.  A frickin nightmare.  Yoo can’t be tawking way he does.  It’s, uh, whattaya callit, inemefficient.  Eefficiensee is what we’re all about.  That’s why my friend in the cabinet wrote dat shit for the Times.”

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Christopher Ketcham is the author of the forthcoming “This Land: How Cowboys, Capitalism and Corruption are Ruining the American West,” out next year from Viking-Penguin.  He can be reached at cketcham99@mindspring.com.

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