Big News About Russia

Big news, and I’ve got the hot poop to prove it. Russia is big, bigger than the USA. But why is Russia big? Why else? To defeat Hillary Clinton and help Trump get elected in the 2016 election. Why else would Russia be so big, bigger than the USA. Do you think it is some kind of accident? I have the evidence right here in my pocket that this bigness is the linchpin of their dirty little plan to mess with our American democratic processes. Of course, I can’t reveal my sources. But take my word, it is a slam dunk that Russia is big for no other purpose than defeating Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election and installing Donald Trump, Putin’s cat’s paw, in her place.

Imagine yourself with a bunch of bananas. Are they too green, not green enough, too many. You calmly Turing-machine your way through your American brain’s banana-choosing algorithm. You are a red -blooded American doing the very American thing, choosing bananas algorithmically. The police know this and leave you alone. Suddenly it hits you: Russia is big! WTF? It ruins your day. America is supposed to be big. Russia is bigger. Something is wrong. It must be fake news. That is not the way it is supposed to be. But no. Bananas fall from your hand. You stagger out of the store, wend your way to the polling place, and thumb the screen for Trump. It’s a diabolical plot!

You will run into people who try to poo poo Russia’s bigness. They will say something like, “Well, it’s only Siberia. That hardly counts.” As if the very existence of Siberia were not evidence of an eternal hatred of our sacred democratic processes. Only Siberia, indeed! Listen to the wind, whistling across the steppe in the dead of winter. Listen, listen! It is saying “vote Trump, Trump. Trump is Putin’s guy.” Look at the snow. What do you see? Snowflakes falling to the ground. Snowflakes, Hillary’s supporters.

Besides, it’s not only Siberia. I’ve got news for you. They’ve got a bigger Moscow. The USA has more Moscows than Russia– at last count something like twenty-three to their one. We blow them out of the water in the year-end number-of-Moscows round robin. I doubt if they even compete any more. But, you guessed it, Russia’s Moscow is bigger than all the USA Moscows put together. And now a tornado as hit the old covered bridge in Moscow, Indiana, taking it out of the equation– that and its zero population put it out of business. You can bet your booty Langley is poking into the possibility of cyber-hanky-panky in that suspicious little number. But Moscow, Indiana is off the table for now under extremely suspicious circumstances

Russia’s Moscow — it might as well be named “Hate Hillary” or “Trump Tower” and skip the pretense. Just look at those funny buildings in the Kremlin, every last one an obvious homage to Trump who is known worldwide for funny buildings. And why else would you even have a Kremlin if not to foment hanky-panky in our election of 2016? Not a single one of the American Moscows has found a need for a Kremlin. But the Russians have one right smack dab in their so-called Moscow. Why? Did they think we wouldn’t notice? The evidence is overwhelming. I just can’t reveal my sources.

Russia’s dirty little plot goes way back. They were toiling and troubling to undermine the 2016 election long before Hillary’s great-great grandparents were gleams in the eyes of her great-great-great grandparents. That’s how deep these Russians are. They play chess. That alone should have raised any number of red flags. Consider Alexander Pushkin, the great (big!) Russian poet. Do you think he wrote poetry for any reason other than to muck up our sacred democratic processes and defeat Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election?

Take his exquisite story The Captain’s Daughter written in 1836. The Captain’s Daughter is a love story about a young boy who starts out hopeful of a gay life in Saint Petersburg only to be sent to a distant outpost near Ohrenburg where he meets his true love, a ridiculously delicate but pure girl who faints away at the sight of any of the world’s horrors. And these horrors certainly come in the form of the barbaric Pugachev. But the lovers manage to rescue each other by doing things that preserve both their honor and lives and allow them to live and marry. And what they depend on is their purity of heart.

It’s as clear as noonday! Could anything more completely undermine America’s sacred democratic processes? The total absence of Hillary Clinton’s virtues combined with the flagrant omission of all Donald Trump’s vices points to the inescapable conclusion: Pushkin knew far too well which side his bread was buttered on. It’s obvious, but I can’t reveal my sources.


Michael Doliner studied with Hannah Arendt at the University of Chicago and has taught at Valparaiso University and Ithaca College. He can be reached at: