It was a strange press conference from the start, obviously hastily organized, set up on a makeshift stage in Tijuana, Mexico, within sight of the U.S. border. But the impromptu session drew a fair amount of media coverage by advertising its purported “Feminist Plan to Thwart Terrorism.” It was all women on the stage, apparently of various ethnic backgrounds.
When enough of a crowd had gathered and a sufficient number of video lenses were aimed in their direction, one woman stepped up to a microphone to speak.
“Thanks for coming. My name is Wendy Sainz. And we are the Chicks Of Various Enterprising Nationalities, aka COVEN. We represent more than a dozen countries in Latin America, Africa and the Middle East. But this ain’t no beauty pageant…”
That line drew appreciative shouts, whistles and growls from the women on stage, some of whom were attired in ethnic clothing, while others wore Rosie the Riveter t-shirts that said: “We can do it.”
“You’ve got a big problem right now and we’re here to help you solve it,” said Wendy Sainz. “Some fucking nut in a Ryder truck just killed ten people in Toronto and injured a bunch more. Why? Because he was horny…”
The restless crowd went dead silent
“That’s right. The perpetrator identifies as an incel, short for involuntary celibate. And he idolizes some dude in California who shot six people dead for that same reason. He was pissed off. Frustrated. Couldn’t get any tail. And he turned his frustration into a deadly rampage.
“Apparently, in spite of appearances, there aren’t enough women around of sufficiently low taste or intelligence to entertain these incels or imbeciles…yeah… But we’re going to make you – and them – a proposition. We’ll shag all the incels you got. That’s right. There’s enough of us – and these ladies right here are only a sampling – to quell those wild mild beasts, and de-fang the murderous horny urges in the plainest of repressed young men.
“But we’re not a charity organization, okay? We’re going to need some quid for our quo here, you understand? I mean, you want to set us up in the Nevada desert, where whoring is already legal, that’s okay. Obviously if these poor feckless fucks had any money, that’s where they’d already have gone. But they don’t. So we’re going to have to be subsidized. Probably by the Department of Homeland Security…”
Some of the women nodded and said yes. Others seemed to be giggling.
“We’ll need nice fat salaries and regular health check-ups. And, oh yes, by the way, we’re all going to need green cards. Because up till now your ICE men aren’t letting us in. But your own legal female citizens are obviously not up to the job. They don’t have the stomach for it. Or any other body part. So you’re going to need us. The sooner the better.
“What we’re proposing is in the national interest. And I think you’ve only seen the tip of the incel iceburg here, folks. There’s a lot more frustrated men skulking around this oversexed culture than you can ever imagine. And they’re all about to explode. They’re all just one porno tube away from running amok in the streets of some big city, with guns or vans or sharp fucking sticks…
“The real terrorist threat is not from Islam, but from our own gonads. Or should I say, the balls of the bereft and the ids of the incels…
“Picky women are your problem. But we’re not picky. We’re your solution. So lobby Congress. Kick Trump in the rump. For the sake of the country! You’ll be glad you’re part of the solution. You’ll be proud of us. And proud to see Wendy Sainz come marching in… Thank you!”