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Our Overlords Reveal Their Top ‘To Do’s: Are YOU Next On Their Kill List?

– Blame Russia when its revealed that your own country’s entire political and media establishment is nothing more than parasitic replicant breeding factory from deep space.

– Re-label all news that doesn’t reflect well on you “fake”.

– Publicly deplore all this fakery despite owning a platform that allows users to upload heavily filtered, enhanced photos of themselves faking the good life.

– Compile a dossier on every person on the planet and have them willingly provide the damning evidence of their thought crimes.

– Call this global surveillance apparatus “Social Media”.

– Try to resist breaking out the champagne when your start up’s stock prices soar after a 12 year old livestreams her suicide on your platform, proving the efficacy of its latest feature.

– Donate a hundred bucks to Bethany Rae’s ‘Scholarship Fund’.

– Testify before Congress on a booster chair.

– Exchange Luke Skywalker bib for tie.

– Don’t blink. You might accidentally trigger the internet kill switch. Or signal assent to Mike Pence’s earlier offer of a Shirley Temple in his ‘man cave’.

– Perform the Danse Macabre with a war criminal on Ellen’s show.

– Make a bonfire of your pant suits.

– Extinguish it along with any hope of ever launching another failed bid for the White House.

– Address the problem of people living in their cars by claiming it’s part of the “Tiny Home Revolution”.

– Make a viral video of photogenic hipsters making sourdough bread in the glove compartment.

– Turn expendable labor into unlicensed and uninsured inn keepers, taxi drivers, maids and delivery people.

– Pour millions into a start-up that will turn them into frozen nuggets.

– Transform expendables who still exist in workplaces into timed and choreographed automatons with partial dental insurance.

– Eventually replace them with AI technology that will make baristas redundant and enable “thought gurus” to satisfy their 3 am urges for soy lattes by having them drone dropped into their yachts.

– Try not to hit that overturned dinghy with several dozen Syrian and Libyan refugees clinging to its sides.

– Start a ‘Foundation’ to “give back” 0.001 % of what you stole from a resource-rich “developing” country.

– Hire your wife or side piece to decorate its penthouse offices in Manhattan.

– Appoint a near broke mogul with a brain wasting disease to the presidency.

– Pretend you’re not glad that he gave you a tax break to the tune of “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend.

– Throw a Royal Wedding.

– Encourage people who sleep on spiked park benches to applaud the tax funded nuptials of a traveling ginger benefit scrounger and his recently purchased immigrant bride.

– Make sure traumatized high school students never learn that American guns kill kids overseas with the same impunity and regularity that they are used at home.

– Scratch Karli Kloss’s name off your BFF list

– See if Malala wants to play the avenging angel role in an upcoming video about how Karli is totally fake despite being German.

– Consult lawyer to see if “You are worse than the Taliban” can be copyrighted like snake emojis and sparkly scrunchies.

– Send warships to China.

– Sell the Grand Canyon to a Chinese mining company.

– Donate Lindsay Lohan to a Doha-based hedge fund.

– Clone the last surviving polar bear for your private zoo.

– Ditto for Keith Richards.

– Make Stormi Daniels the centerpiece of all the ‘real’ news being aggregated from Truth Central, USA and its affiliate in Tel Aviv.

– See if she can fit into an aircraft carrier.

– Assassinate Jeremy Corbyn’s character with allegations of ‘Anti-Semitism’.

– Expose the life long human rights campaigner as a rebooted, Russian made Hitler any time Israel plans to shoot unarmed refugees with live ammunition.

– Pitch that idea for a mobile “bodega” where frat boys can purchase condoms and high end vodka via a VR device that links directly to Amazon as they virtually navigate the aisles of a ‘Steam Punk’ General Store manned by anime hotties on roller skates.

– Marry Miranda Kerr.

– Replace jail bait Japanese hotties on wheels with gender neutral rabbits after these “empowered” 3-D avatars develop a rogue intelligence of their own.

– Realize too late that they have already invented an algorithm that turns crypto-currencies into virtual rabbit pellets.

– Divorce Miranda Kerr.

– Blame Iran because it didn’t work out.

– Reintroduce a ME strongman who is “gassing his own people”.

– Wait for your own to kill themselves en masse with lethal substances cut with cat piss.

– Fuel up waiting warships.

– Use gender-free pronouns when christening the yacht.

– Promise the liberal media establishment free tickets to ‘Hamilton’ in exchange for their complicity in creating yet another failed Mid East state.

– See what you can do to get Pax and Knox appointed chief UN weapons inspectors.

– Take out a restraining order against North Korea and people who send their children to public schools.

– Start saying “give back” instead of “trickle down”.

– Fund research proving that food stamps, not plastic bags, are destroying oceans and marine life.

– Use up several tons of rocket fuel to send eco-friendly car orbiting into space.

– Bang Amber Heard.

– Use a particle accelerator to bring wages back to 1931’s going rates.

– Ditto to remove unsightly hairs from shoulder blades and scrotum.

More articles by:

Jennifer Matsui is a writer living in Tokyo.

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